DD's dad only talks when it suits him

[RLEOM]

My ex and I have a 2 year old. He had an affair when she was born and split within months of her arrival.

I find him psychologically abusive. He ignores me if I have any concerns about our daughter but expects me to talk if he's worried about something. He'll tell me advice on how to care for our daughter but if I do the same, he has a go at me and tells me to not tell him how to raise his daughter (I'm talking about really small things). He'll walk into mine whenever he wants but wouldn't even let me use his toilet when busting, forced me to use a supermarket at the start of the pandemic. It's all a one way street.

He's always mistreated me. Had affairs from the start, lots of gas lighting. He used to get a kick out of flirting with other women in front of me. He's faked about going to the police and held it over me for 18 months by forcing me to be in a group chat with his mum (who is equally as gas lighting as him) where he'd be lovely to my face and an asshole on the group chat for the sake of his mum's approval. He puts his penis before his daughter, always has done, yet goes on about how much of a great dad he is. He makes me sick. And what's worse is he comes across so innocent and friendly!

Obviously it all drives me crazy. I can't stand double standards. I'm worried about how he's going to treat our daughter as she gets older.

How do I deal with this?

Why is he walking into your house? That needs to stop. Don’t engage with him at all. If he messages about your daughter ignore him. The only power he has is the power you give him

And don’t join any group chats with him! It’s time to cut off his narcissistic supply!

Stop the social media contact, there's no need for it. At all. It's up to him to manage his mother's contact/relationship with your dd, not you.

Get a chain for your door/keep it locked and don't let him over the threshold.

@tootysweety I put my foot down with the group chat 6 months ago, was flabbergasted to hear from the police that it was all a lie to force me to be in an uncomfortable position, a position where he could treat me horribly for show.

He no longer comes into mine but I know he still feels he can.

Last time he had her, he or a woman had purposely sprayed perfume on my daughter's jacket. The smell was so strong, it still stinks of it 4 weeks on and after being washed. I don't care if he's with someone, but I do care that he or someone he is dating is using my child to try and get at me. Surely it's not healthy for a child to have to breathe in perfume all the time?

Grey rock all the way (Google it if you aren't familiar). You have to become boring to him. Leave the stupid WhatsApp group chat, don't entertain his conversation attempts - give boring, non committal responses. And don't offer him anything to react to.

You can't change him, but you can change how you react. Don't allow him into your house.

I agree that you need to leave the WhatsApp group and only communicate with him if it’s important and only about your daughter.

But my thoughts on this
Last time he had her, he or a woman had purposely sprayed perfume on my daughter's jacket. The smell was so strong, it still stinks of it 4 weeks on and after being washed.
is that it’s far more likely that the jacket was washed and he used fabric softener or those scent booster things you get because those things stink and take forever to fade, I’ve had that problem with second hand clothes before, or if she wasn’t with him long enough for him to wash the coat then she was probably held by someone who uses strong smelling perfume or laundry stuff and it rubbed off onto her clothes. Unless you’ve got proof or other reasons to assume that he had sprayed it with perfume then it seems like quite an odd conclusion to come to.

@2Kidsinatrenchcoat no, it was definitely a spray of perfume as it's only in one spot. He also had the same smirk and same glint in his eye that he used to do when he'd flirt with his affair partner in front of me. He knew exactly what he was doing. Besides, he's way too lazy and trampy to even consider making his clothes smell nice.

@2Kidsinatrenchcoat also worth mentioning he'd brought the coat to me "washed" in an attempt to hide the smell, yet still got a kick out of it for knowing why he'd washed it.

You've played right into his hands and given him the exact reaction he wanted to about the perfume on the coat!

As a PP said, grey rock technique.

This is a game he's playing with you and the only way you can win the game is not to play the game.

@ RLEOM

Remove yourself from the ''group chat'' permanently.

Buy a cheap phone and give him the number, telling him it's for emergency use only and will only be switched on when he has your DD.

Set up a new email address for yourself. When he doesn't have your DD, he has to use this email address to contact you if he needs to communicate with you.

Block him on your normal phone, your house phone and any/all social media platforms.

Change the locks for your house and always keep the door locked when you're home.

If you do all these things, you severely limit the opportunities he has to cause you any distress by bullying/ harassing you, while being able to keep a copy of his email and texts etc.

@2Kidsinatrenchcoat

I agree that you need to leave the WhatsApp group and only communicate with him if it’s important and only about your daughter.

But my thoughts on this
Last time he had her, he or a woman had purposely sprayed perfume on my daughter's jacket. The smell was so strong, it still stinks of it 4 weeks on and after being washed.
is that it’s far more likely that the jacket was washed and he used fabric softener or those scent booster things you get because those things stink and take forever to fade, I’ve had that problem with second hand clothes before, or if she wasn’t with him long enough for him to wash the coat then she was probably held by someone who uses strong smelling perfume or laundry stuff and it rubbed off onto her clothes. Unless you’ve got proof or other reasons to assume that he had sprayed it with perfume then it seems like quite an odd conclusion to come to.

Im pretty sure OP knows the difference between Laundry Unstoppable fragrances and Perfumes 🌺

OP I agree... take back your privacy control and grey rock this man 🌺

Stop caring and giving him control.

Get a cheap phone just for his calls when he has her. At other times, he can email you on another email address which you have set up, Again, just for his messages.

Dump the group chat - what's the point of it?

It's been 2 years, - you have to stop getting dragged into the drama and games. You are allowing this to happen, and you can do a lot to stop it.

He probably sprayed the perfume on it himself.

As above, block him on everything bar one method of contact (A burner phone ideally. Tell him you've broke your other one). Never engage in any convo unless it's about the child's pick up times/health ect.

Block him and any of his relatives or any other flying monkeys (ppl who will report back to him) on social media. Or hide his posts and never post anything yourself that you would not want him to see.

Just systematically remove him from everywhere he could gain entry to your life. Call the police if met with any harassment.

Have a friend or relative do drop offs and pick ups of your daughter if pos. And never let him collect her at your home. Meet somewhere public.

@updownroundandround

@ RLEOM

Remove yourself from the ''group chat'' permanently.

Buy a cheap phone and give him the number, telling him it's for emergency use only and will only be switched on when he has your DD.

Set up a new email address for yourself. When he doesn't have your DD, he has to use this email address to contact you if he needs to communicate with you.

Block him on your normal phone, your house phone and any/all social media platforms.

Change the locks for your house and always keep the door locked when you're home.

If you do all these things, you severely limit the opportunities he has to cause you any distress by bullying/ harassing you, while being able to keep a copy of his email and texts etc.

I done all of these things with a narc ex and it worked . 1000% agree with this

He gets a kick out of the way you react to him. For your own peace of mind you have to train yourself to stop reacting. Baby steps first.
New phone and block on old.
New email just for him and block on old.
Do not offer a reason.

When you have to text replies, wait. 10 minutes the first time. Then 20 minutes and so on. Only reply with the fewest words you can. A thumbs up emoji is good. Or 'ok'
Never argue or explain yourself. Never.

lock your door. Super glue a safety chain on if you have no screwdriver.

Does he muck about with access?

How much does he have her? Is it court ordered or informal?

And does he pay maintenance?

And what @willowmelangell said.

@BlueThistles good for her if she does, I didn’t assume she did (although also didn’t assume she didn’t, was just making a suggestion) because I wouldn’t know the difference myself!