Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Why keep mentioning past opportunities?

15 replies

Cherrytopxx · 23/01/2021 10:34

I'm a few months into being involved with an older man by 12 years. But as time goes on he's going from feeling like my soul mate to coming across as someone who could potentially irritate me.

I don't know what this behaviour means but he sometimes brings up other women he has had interested in him in the past.

He's never been a man to get around. You can see from his Facebook he's had an 11 year relationship and a marriage when he was younger. He hasn't got pictures with women. Only partners. He's not a flirt online. He does get women liking pictures etc. Old school friends mostly. Many are married. The odd women throws him a compliment and he doesn't respond. But again nothing bad.

Yet he's got these stories. I can usually match them up to the women he's telling me about. For example he told me last night when he went to rescue a dog from his hometown a few months back his cousin tried to get him involved with his friend. She found him attractive and he wasn't interested in her. He doesn't sleep around. He's not had sex for two years and is quite happy to say he's only had a couple of partners. But he still told me she was a lovely looking girl and everything but he just isn't like that and wasn't interested. I worked out straight away she's a women on his Facebook who commented on his rescued dog picture and called him one of her loves. He didn't flirt back he just wrote one line to say the dog was happy. But I clicked on her page and he put a love symbol on her last profile picture exactly when he had said he had met her. So clearly some flirting had happened.
I have no issue with it. She's now in a relationship and neither of them have been reacting to eachothers stuff. Plus it was before me. But why did I need to know?

I fancied him from him working at my house and after he had finished I asked him if he wanted my number. A few weeks into us talking he said the women up the road had offered her number too and he had declined.

I find when he's talking about women that he's not interested in but had a chance he will always say she's a lovely looking girl but....

Now clearly he's wanting me to know these things. But the question is why? I personally feel like it's playground gossip. He's in his 40s and still thinks his new love interest needs to hear about girls he could have shagged or dated.

I don't think he's got bad intentions. He wouldn't be wasting time on me if he had easier options. As I have children I'm not that available for him right now and we've discussed my children eventually being in his life if we have a future. He seems keen and often says about days out and things with them.

So is he being insecure?
Is he trying to impress?
Is he just immature and needs to make me feel he's wanted?
Is he trying to make me feel jealous?

He also often says he doesn't like the done up look. Nails, fake tan, eyebrows etc. He doesn't apparently notice blondes either.

Finally he was honest that two years ago he had a fling with an old school friend. They slept together twice. He hasn't seen her since. I noticed in December he readded her onto his Facebook. He doesn't know I know it's her. But again he's not smart and just from her first name and him saying she had 3 kids gave her away when he readded her. But she was removed 2 days later. He told me and showed me she had been texting him. She was telling him she loved him so much in the message. He blocked her . I questioned why she was saying she loved him. He claims he doesn't know. I half believe him. She's married. Lives hours away. They don't meet. But again. What is this?

Thank you for reading. I think that's basically it. He's mentioning 3 women like this.

He also tells me other people tell him women always like him.

Yet he's choosen me?

OP posts:
SilverRoe · 23/01/2021 10:47

Up until your last example it seems like you’re massively overthinking. But showing you messages from someone saying she loves him? What did he actually say when you asked why he showed you this? Did you ask that?

category12 · 23/01/2021 10:49

Throw this fish back. He's already starting to irritate you and he's trying/succeeding in making you insecure and like you're the "winner" of a competition you didn't know you were in.

Fuck. That. Noise. I couldn't be arsed with it.

AgentJohnson · 23/01/2021 11:36

When someone shows you who they are, listen, when they tell you repeatedly how highly other think of them, dump.

Raidblunner · 23/01/2021 12:01

He obviously gets a kick out of telling you other women find him desirable. Sounds to me like a silly little control game that you've been caught in hook line & sinker. You should tell him a few of your ex stories to and level it up a bit. " Did I tell you about Paul, he was so kind and attentive, he was beautifully endowed and could make love for hours" hmm then there was Gary, he was really tall, played semi professional rugby. See how he likes it, he won't for sure. Sounds like an idiot to me.

Lovelydiscusfish · 23/01/2021 12:08

Well, I don’t think it’s bad to talk about past relationships/flings/flirtations with your partner - to me it’s part of getting to know them. My boyfriend for example recently showed me a picture of his ex-wife, who had come up in his suggested friends on Facebook. I was quite interested to see what she looked like, to be honest, having heard a fair bit about her......

I didn’t quite follow the story about the woman texting him, but it sounds like she is an ex and he added her as a friend, just thinking that was all she wanted (I don’t think this is bad), but then she texted him telling him she loved him (pretty extreme on her part, but not his fault), then deleted her and showed you the texts in the interests of honesty? I think that’s fine.

You seem to look very closely at his Facebook, who is liking stuff etc. Try not to get too sucked in to this, is my advice - I got like this in a relationship once when I felt very insecure about the bloke I was with, and it drove me a bit mad.....

Having said all this, if you aren’t keen on the way he speaks about things tho (and it sounds like you aren’t), I would end it now before wasting more of your time.

Cockenspiel · 23/01/2021 12:12

It impossibly to know the reasons why really, but it’s mind-game playing and that’s more than enough reason to walk away.

Who could honestly be arsed with this sort of crap from a man in his 40’s?Hmm

What a tedious bore!

BornIn78 · 23/01/2021 12:19

Why don't you just ask him?

"Why do you keep telling me this stuff about all these women who are after you? I'm not interested and the only reasons I can think of is that you're really insecure, you're trying to make me insecure or jealous, or you're a bit of an immature twat. Which is it? "

BornIn78 · 23/01/2021 12:24

The other option is that he's going out of his way to 'prove' how wonderfully trustworthy he is, that all these women are throwing themselves at him and confessing their undying love and he keeps knocking them back.

In which case "he doth protest too much". Hmm

seensome · 23/01/2021 12:53

He wants you to think he's such a catch possibly to make you a bit jealous too, why mention at all if they was no interest on his behalf before he even met you!
The old school friend would set alarm bells ringing. If all this is making you insecure maybe it's just not worth it, a decent man should be trying to build your security with him.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2021 12:56

I've known women like this who will tell everyone that someone (who's hardly glanced at them) fancies them - I've always thought it was immature attention-seeking. It's no different with this man.

Countingthebeat · 23/01/2021 20:28

I think he wants you to know he’s ‘ desirable ‘ trying to let you know ‘ hey I’m a high value man but the ‘she’s a great looking woman ‘ to everyone one of them is particularly off putting and suggests he’s letting you know that a woman’s looks really are very important ( see how string he was to resist lol) seems like he’s trying to keep you on your toes , mid yoh aware that your in some kind of competition even though , don’t worry cause your currently winning ... and for him the big ‘competition’ he seems to imagine between women is how they look . That in itself would irritate me

Somethingmavelous · 23/01/2021 21:53

Totally agree with all the pp.
If you are irritated with him after a few months, it's probably not going anywhere, throw him back in the sea and join the 'beautiful ladies wot I've had tales'

youvegottenminuteslynn · 23/01/2021 22:05

I think there are two things going on here.

Firstly, he sounds quite annoying and potentially a bit of a headfuck if he's mentioning women in a way that feels uncomfortable eg she wanted to shag me but isn't my type etc

Secondly, you sound quite possessive / jealous checking Facebook likes / friend adds etc a few months in (not that it's a healthy thing to do at any stage of a relationship at all) and constantly trying to join dots and create a narrative eg they must have flirted because someone liked a picture etc

This all sounds like too much hard work, too much drama and bloody exhausting!

Sack it off and do reflect on your behaviour too. If I knew my boyfriend of a few weeks / months was checking my likes and who I added etc I would stop seeing them as it would be a big red flag for me that they are likely to be possessive and jealous.

Russellbrandshair · 23/01/2021 22:17

@Countingthebeat

I think he wants you to know he’s ‘ desirable ‘ trying to let you know ‘ hey I’m a high value man but the ‘she’s a great looking woman ‘ to everyone one of them is particularly off putting and suggests he’s letting you know that a woman’s looks really are very important ( see how string he was to resist lol) seems like he’s trying to keep you on your toes , mid yoh aware that your in some kind of competition even though , don’t worry cause your currently winning ... and for him the big ‘competition’ he seems to imagine between women is how they look . That in itself would irritate me
I agree. This smacks of insecurity on his part and I wonder if it’s because he feels insecure that you are 12 years younger than him so he’s trying to big himself up to show he’s just as desirable as men your own age? He probably does feel a bit insecure that men your own age maybe younger looking or more virile etc so this is his way of showing- see? I’m very desirable to attractive women, I could have had any of them but I chose you!

Personally I find this behaviour a real turn off. It feels manipulative and like game playing to me. Like, how would he feel if you kept going on about the buff personal trainer who was crazy about you? Or the hot lawyer who was very well endowed and great at oral? I suspect he’d throw a tantrum when the tables were turned. If you really like him then talk to him but if he won’t stop it then I’d dump. Crap like that is so tedious and tiring after a while.

peak2021 · 24/01/2021 10:19

You seem annoyed by this story telling. Is he really the man for you?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page