To feel this way?

[Elle458]

I'm a newly ftm. Had a traumatic birth and pregnancy. Since coming back home dp has been great with our daughter and her care, but I cant help but feel like he is majorly lacking when it comes to me. Dont get me wrong I do not expect our relationship to be a top priority and I understand newborns have this effect on couples especially during the first year. In general I dont like the way he talks to me when we have a tit for tat or arguement, and right now I'm finding it so overwhelming. Dp isnt the most considerate person when it comes to my emotional needs, and despite the numerous talks on it I just dont feel like he has tried enough. I thought with him being present to witness my birth it would give him a greater understanding of what I've been through so he could be mindful of what I've been through but I just dont feel like that's the case. Mentally I feel all over the place. On a good day I'm fine in our relationship and these thoughts dont cross my mind but now whenever anything bad happens I find myself feeling fed up and wanting leave. I just cant be doing with all of this when I dont feel like I've healed or in a great place from my birth. For example last night I was feeling so ill (still recovering from surgery) and ontop of that just generally stressed as my parents and siblings all have covid. And my partner thought it was appropriate to have ago at me for suggesting he tried to stay awake until our baby goes to sleep instead of becoming irritated when she wakes him up. Went to bed so angry and in tears from his reaction over abousletley nothing. I'm just so tired of this. Is it just the birth and being a newly parent getting ontop of me? Is it normal to get waves of this? I dont want to make any rash decisions, as it would affect my daughters life drastically. But sometimes I feel like i need to do this for myself, just at least until I'm in a stronger headspace. Its just so exhausting experience this up and down emotion, one day were thinking about the future the next I want to leave. Help!

Bump anyone?

I don’t have children so can offer pretty much zero advice, but didn’t want to leave you unanswered. I wonder whether you might be better off asking for this thread to be moved to another topic, like one for newborn mums? (I haven’t searched the MN topics list, but I know there’ll be something equivalent). There have got to be mums there that are going through the same things and can offer you support 💐

@Sn0tnose thankyou for the advice I've asked for the thread to be moved to relationships hopefully that is more relevant I just really didnt know what topic to air this under

@Elle458 my DD is just over a year old and I've found the last year to be very challenging, relationship-wise. DH (normally a fantastic person in pretty much every way) has been clueless at times, and I've been very frustrated with him.

There are so many factors at play, though - you're probably both exhausted, overwhelmed, you'll be hormonal and all over the place.

It might be better to separate, it might be better to stay . . . either way, give yourself time to get back on an even keel. And TALK to each other - make sure he understands what you need from him, and vice versa.

@RedPandaFluff I think the thing is that I am trying to communicate this to him but it seems to fall on deaf ears and I dont want to sound like a broken record if it's not getting anywhere. I seem to have good days and bad and today I just feel really crap about everything.

OP, how old is your baby?

@Aahotep 9 weeks

That's still really early days. Honestly I imagine you are still completely exhausted, emotional, feeling rubbish because of the recovery.
I didn't need surgery or have a particularly difficult time but 9 weeks in was in a haze of exhaustion.
Having a baby is hard. It's bloody hard.
It's a massive adjustment, some people almost have to grieve (I did, never in a million years did I expect the way I felt).
You are both learning how to care for a baby, you have physical injuries to recover from. Your partner possibly doesn't really get how knackered you are but I'm not sure anyone who hasn't done it can truly understand. Lockdown is also going on on top of everything else.
But honestly it passes, babies get easier to look after, you will heal, you will get some sleep.
When you are tired it's easy to say the wrong thing/take things the wrong way.
I wouldn't go making any big decisions right now. You could regret them later.
Your relationship will change because you have a baby, it's a lot to take in and it takes time. Some people find it easier than others but it's very common.
Just keep repeating to yourself- it will pass.
Be kind to yourself and talk to him about how you feel.

I have a little baby and found those early months al hard. I had a traumatic birth and felt so scared after it, I know when my baby was similar age to yours I felt so much anger and annoyance towards my DH even though he was brilliant with the baby. I just felt overlooked and also overwhelmed. Tbh this still happens sometimes now and it's usually when we havent taken the time to be a couple rather than just mum and dad. You're both adjusting still and hopefully over time it will smooth out. I found it wasnt until she was about 3 months old I started feeling more myself in terms of the trauma etc. Maybe have a chat with him about things he can do to support you, for example if you're up a lot at night maybe letting you go back to bed a few hours in the morning or maybe having dinner ready for you whilst you sort little one. Sending you hugs, new parenthood is hard and throw in lockdown and its enough to test any relationship.

@Starsandsparkle01 you've taken the words out of my mouth. I know everything comes second best to a baby but I feel like even with my own mum shes not too concerned with how I am. It just makes me feel quite alone in my recovery mentally and physically. I feel like my ha doesnt really want to hear all about my mental wellbeing when she asks, and the even the doctor didnt check my wound during my postnatal check it wasnt until I mentioned it was still hurting that she bothered. Thing is I sat down with my dp after writing this post and was brutally honest. I told him how my feelings on being in this relationship was wavering and he it was like he disregarded my plea about my mental state telling me it's just "hard" because of lockdown and the answer is to get a change of lifestyle. He thought since I was getting up everyday and getting by it meant I was recovering from my trauma and that meant I didnt want to talk about it. However I've made it's clear that's not the case and that I feel our relationship is seriously lacking in the emotional welfare side of things and he promised we would talk about things. It's been four days since then and since that conversation nothing has been brought up. I'm starting to feel like a twat. Maybe I should just leave...