Can't seem to let go of an unhealthy friendship

[Yellowsub231]

I have a long-standing friend who I used to get on great with. However, over the past couple of years this has slowly changed until now I feel like I'm in a one-sided friendship where I make all the effort and get nothing in return. I'm always the one who contacts her (things used to be equal) and when we meet up its always on her terms. Also, she moved house last year (we're not in the uk) and I've helped her to do things in the house, or given her a lift to the DIY store because my car is bigger, but I rarely get a thanks, and the last couple of times I've been round to help her do things, its felt like she's pretty much pushing me out of the door once I've done what she needs. There's never a let's sit down for a coffee and chat time, I go round, help her, leave. She doesn't actually ask for my help as such, but if I message her to see how things are going, there's always some story about needing x but it wont fit in the car, or similar, so I offer help. But if I didn't contact her, she wouldn't message me and ask for help, so she's not using me as such, but I do feel used.

In November last year, I was so fed up with making all the effort, I decided not to contact her and see if she'd get in touch with me. We went about 6 weeks without contact, then just before Christmas i broke and sent her a Merry Christmas message which opened up communication but started the cycle again. I think there are a few reasons I keep contacting her. One, I keep hoping that the friendship will go back to how it was in the past, I'd love for her to spontaneously ring me up and say she'd love a catch up, but it never happens. Two, I only have a couple of other friends who live close to me, so it's nice to have someone else to hang out with, even if it is just doing her favours. Three, like I said, she always seems to have some problem that needs solving, and so I try and be nice, in the same way I hope someone would be nice to me if the roles were reversed. However, it all feels rather dysfunctional and not good for my self esteem. I know that if I didn't contact her, she wouldn't get in touch with me, which would be an easy way to end the friendship, I just don't seem to be able to let that happen. I also dont feel like I can discuss this with her because she has so little invested in the friendship that if I said I was unhappy, then I doubt she would make an effort to fix things. I'm not really sure what kind of advice I'm after, just maybe some other thoughts on what to do.

Hmmm... I don't think she is a friend anymore. I get what you say about not being able to stop yourself contacting her. In a way you are testing her to see if she has changed for the better.

Sadly, I don't think she will. It does sound like she is using you. If someone did me a favour like you've been doing, and they were a friend, I would be welcoming them in with a cuppa and a natter. She sounds like a user to be honest.

It's hard to let go, but if I were you, I would.

I had a friendship like this. This individual was a taker and like you was hoping it would change. Everytime I went to see her there was a task to do. I popped over for coffee and a chat as was struggling. 5 minutes in she said to this shed is not going to take itself down and handed me a screwdriver.
This carried on a few more months and I felt very resentful. I spoke to her that I felt a bit used for my practical skills and wanted a more balanced friendship. That I felt like her unpaid employee. She went bezerk, absolutely would not see it from my point at all. Blocked me after sending a nasy email that I should be grateful for her!
At first I was upset after all I had done nothing wrong. But in time was actually pretty relieved that I was not her skivvy I concentrated on myself. A year later her DP was fishing to me that I should forgive and forget!
She probably realised that she treated me awfully and had no one to help her anymore. I am glad we are not friends and now I think of her I shudder. I am very wary of people now that need continual favours without recipricating. Life should not be tit for tat but if you a natural giver you are a beacon for lifes users.
Get rid and dont look back. Or confront her to see if she agrees she uses you and will do better. If she gets offended and can see you are putting up boundaries against being used /one sided she will drop you anyway. Job done.

But you’re the one continuing this dynamic, OP. For whatever reason, the friendship has withered, you keep contacting her and interpreting whatever she says as a coded request for help, and then getting resentful when she doesn’t ‘repay’ you with coffee and chats, because you see your service to her as implicit payment for friendship, and she apparently doesn’t.

The only person’s behaviour you can change here is yours, OP.

I had a friend like this. It dragged on and on until I had a really big milestone birthday and she made ZERO effort. Not even a text. That was it for me. I’m now strong and not even considering her a friend. Do it. Just block her number. You need to make effort and time into other friendships. Join groups, start a book club, sign up for evening classes. Make new friends. Your future self will thank you

Total disagree,

I have a friend like this, I don’t think she did anything wrong just really wasn’t into a friendship in the same way I understood it.

She’d always empty promise - must go for coffee, really want to take you to specific cafe. But she’d never text to arrange and it always felt I was begging for friendship.

I just got to my limit and deleted her number - I haven’t heard from her since but I’ve let her go too & it feels better.

People are for reason, season or life and we have to let people who are just passing through, pass through 🙂

What are you getting out of this exactly?