Honeymoon phase over or just not a goer?

[daydreamy12]

In need of some impartial advice here!

I should mention firstly that I've been struggling with the current lockdown (aren't we all), feeling a bit down and have some past trauma that can really play with my emotions. I'm in therapy for this!

I've been dating my boyfriend for almost 9 months, he's great. It was a slow burner but we really clicked. I didn't particularly "fancy" him at first but then it all fell into place and he's got all the qualities I could want, shared values, good morals etc.

The past month or so, I've just not really been feeling it. I don't find myself wanting to be physically affectionate but I do still like talking and being in his life (we have lots of mutual friends and work in the same field so loads in common). Is this just the end of the honey moon phase, so to speak, or has it just fizzled out? I feel a little unfair as I'm not as in to him as I was initially.

Thanks in advance.

When you say you didn't fancy him at first, how and when did that change? As it sounds like the problem could be lack of physical attraction. If you're otherwise suited in terms of values and interests this can sustain the relationship for a while I guess, but if no physical attraction I'm afraid it might be coming to a natural end...

Maybe another thing to consider is stress/low mood as it can be a massive libido killer. How are you feeling mentally now as opposed to the better times in your relationship

Also - how are you feeling about life in general? Are you excited about catching up with friends, doing hobbies etc? Is it possible you've lost general enthusiasm rather than lost the spark for him?

I always found him handsome and attractive, I just didn't want to jump into bed with him. A few months in, something just kind of shifted and I reaaaaally fancied him!

I think you're just not that into him. Sounds like he could be a great friend, but doesn't have the things that you want to make that friend into a partner.
End it politely and kindly

@Palavah

Also - how are you feeling about life in general? Are you excited about catching up with friends, doing hobbies etc? Is it possible you've lost general enthusiasm rather than lost the spark for him?

This is a really important point because I'm not into anything at the moment. Partly because of lockdown of course, but not seeing friends and not doing the usual hobbies. Butttt, I am enjoying lots of me time, reading, watching new shows etc.

It does sound like you've never been that into him but had a phase where you felt more attracted. Things are obviously stressful atm but you should still want to be affectionate with your partner even if your libido is low. The fact you don't only 9 months in, means something is missing between you. Probably that un-definable spark that makes you always want to be physically close and touch the person you're in love with. Touch releases oxytocin, which helps with low mood. So if you're not getting that from him, you're just friends really. Best to end it kindly so you can both find people you're better suited to.

I feel a little unfair as I'm not as in to him as I was initially.

But initially you weren't into him?

In nine months you've gone from not particularly fancying him, to really fancying him, and apparently back.

Do you still find him attractive but just don't want to be physically affectionate? That can happen, I think libido can naturally go up and down and lockdown is certainly a potential factor - presumably he's the only person you've seen much of in the past 10 months.

Or do you have a pattern of getting bored easily? In relationships/flings particularly, but maybe in other parts of your life?

I've always found him attractive, and we get along so well that I thought the sexual attraction would develop over time, which it did. We connect on a lot of levels and I could see us having a future.

I'm not particularly flighty, very relationship minded etc. Not one for flings or friends with benefit type situation.