Do you prefer a partner you can "save"?

[Anonanonon]

A bit controversial, I guess, however its something I wanted to ask after something a colleague said. Basically, she admitted a big part of what attracted her to her new(ish) partner is the fact he professed to admiring her intelligence (she has a Masters degree, he left school at 16) and the fact she felt she could "really make a difference to his life" (he was unemployed and living with his ex on a council estate when she met him). Her previous relationship, which she finished to see this new guy, was actually pretty egalitarian - she has nothing but praise for her ex and it struck me how that's often seen as the ideal on these Boards. Yet, it wasn't what she wanted. Her new guy doesn't really contribute as much as her ex and is much more the traditional male "emotionally reticent" type (e.g. sulks when he gets upset rather than communicates) but this really doesn't seem to bother her (though I guess, with her ex providing a lot of child care, she doesn't need as much help)!

Then there's another friend, who seems to always date guys where there's some kind of "mothering" involved. The first had serious phobias, the second was a student 15 years her junior and the last was significantly on the ASD spectrum.

I'm not judging their choices - I know love is blind, etc - but it just struck me how these (and other) women seemed to actually prefer and seek out men that would be labelled "cocklodgers" or a "manchild" on these Boards. And, when I see all the complaints here about these types of men, how few decent men there are, how many posts to "LTB", etc I just find myself completely baffled as to why? Do some people just prefer to be the one playing a more parental role in a relationship? And is that necessarily wrong?

Sorry didn't mean to hi-jack or kill thread!

Very interesting subject op! My sister is a bit of a "saviour". She is highly competent and the sort who had to work hard at school but then she overtook all the folk for whom academic studies came more easily and through sheer hard graft she got a 1st at uni, then v good jobs followed, but she threw it all away to basically look after a very traditional bloke who is a bit morose and needs "cheering up" all the time. She also does majority of shopping, cleaning and cooking even though they are both retired now. She seems happy enough but it can't be easy.

X post Respectabitch absolutely fascinating subject. Thanks for explanation. My DH is the type who will "rescue" his employees, friends, animals, dying houseplants . I wouldn't have said he lacked confidence but he very rarely, if ever, asks for help himself and is never open about his own problems. I have to be very careful not to complain or ask for help with anything unless absolutely necessary or he would do it for me like a shot. And as I say, he has tried to help in the past when I haven't wanted him to, and there have been times when I have had to really be quite firm about it.

I did - at age 25. Thankfully, after much pain and a lot of therapy, I feel differently.

I'll put my hand up to being a rescuer. I've always been drawn to the Wounded Hero type. Think escaped PoW during WWII, injured during flight, and I'm heroically helping to smuggle them over the border to safety.

It led to one short and disastrous marriage. I've pulled back from those tendencies, but I'm in an odd in-between state where I don't seem attracted to people who've got it all together, so I don't know who to fancy.

I used to work with a guy who openly admitted that he was attracted to women with flaws who needed his help. I think it was a self-esteem thing because it always gave him the power in the relationship.

After a couple of abusive relationships with arseholes who felt they were tortured souls / perpetual victims etc, I had a lightbulb moment in therapy.

I had been attracted to and stayed with people who I felt really 'needed' me in some way (financially, emotionally, as a constant safe person in their dramatic lives etc) because I didn't believe anyone would really want to be with me unless they needed me. I remember that being a huge breakthrough.

Of course that isn't the reason for everyone with a saviour complex / preference but it was for me and recognising it enabled me to stop it. After lots of therapy!

No, I don’t find weakness attractive at all

Absolutely not and I really can’t understand why anyone would actively seek out to someone else to save. It’s awful. I’m trying to ‘save’ my adult DD right now because I love her and I’m her mother. I didn’t seek this role but I have to do it. Glad I saved my energies and didn’t seek out trouble, it found me anyway!

No thanks, I want a proper adult man not one I have to mother. The very thought is awful.

Not RTFT so it may already have been mentioned but Women Who Love Too Much by Robin Norwood addresses this subject in a very interesting way, including how to deal with the fact that functional relationships can seem boring after the chaotic highs and lows that come from being with someone who needs rescuing. And how to address those feelings of boredom.

One thing I’d love to puzzle out is whether/how men who want “rescuing” (or just want constant reassurance, cheering up, free counselling, putting up with moods or poor life management) are attracted to certain people. There was a phase of my life where everyone who asked me out seemed to be one of these types. So I never really figured out how much of it was me and how much was them. I wondered if I seemed strong, happy and together and it was like blood to a shark.

I prefer a partner who has overcome difficulties and is openminded about struggles and mental health. I dont mind helping someone through difficult times and i dont require absolute stability for someone, but I dont want to be someones saviour either or their replacement mother. They need to have resilience and be a proper grown up about stuff, as I want looking after too at times

This is a really interesting thread.

I have a pretty crappy relationship history - currently single. I don't think I'm a rescuer, the idea of a lazy manchild with addiction issues or incapability is not attractive to me.

However I almost seem to have the opposite problem - the men I'm attracted to are the ones who are wrong for me. They are perceived by me as confident, independent and self-assured (qualities I like). In reality they are arrogant, relationship-avoidant and self-absorbed.

God no...I want an independent and confident person (which thankfully I have now)..not a manchild with a multitude of issues and waiting for someone to be their saviour 😑.

ok to add some perspective, I am a man who has been in two relationships which I can now class as me saving them...... only realised this later in the relationship.

so you know, its not all about saving a man, though I am aware most people on this forum are women of course.

When I met my DH I had a professional career/my own house etc. He was doing a badly paid job he hated but had ambitions to do more. I think part of the attraction to me was that he listened to my advice and I had more power financially (although he was also thoughtful, funny, interesting etc). My previous boyfriend had been well off, belittled my achievements and was generally an arsehole so I think subconsciously I wanted the opposite.

DH did, with some financial support and advice from me, go back in to education and now has the career he always wanted. Over the years there have been times where he has supported me financially and we are equal partners.

My fiance has had massive amounts of trauma and was not in a great state when I him. I have wondered if anyone might have ever thought that I'm trying to save him. The reality is though that you can not ever save someone. You can support someone to save themselves. Things are better than when I met him and are on a slow but upward trajectory. With my fiance with have lots of hobbies in common and he just happens to be working though some things. For example if my partner needing support alongside therapy is a very different situation to a person who does not reach out for any medical help or therapy. I would not date someone who did that.

This reminds me of a current thread running in AMA at the moment, about an addict as a partner.

Sometimes, I think it can be easier for people to concentrate on other people's problems rather than acknowledge and start dealing with their own. That's what I think about a lot of these unequal relationships. I would also say, it seems to be much more common for a woman to get involved with a man (or sometimes another woman) like this, than the other way around.

I’ve made the mistake of mothering my men before. It never ended well. This time I am really keen to build a relationship of equals.

@bibliomania

I'll put my hand up to being a rescuer. I've always been drawn to the Wounded Hero type. Think escaped PoW during WWII, injured during flight, and I'm heroically helping to smuggle them over the border to safety.

It led to one short and disastrous marriage. I've pulled back from those tendencies, but I'm in an odd in-between state where I don't seem attracted to people who've got it all together, so I don't know who to fancy.

What a strange , an tone deaf, analogy.

A man is an adult.
Not a baby. Not a child. Not a house renovation project.

Those who ignore those things end up turning 50 years old and realising they have wasted decades nurturing someone who didn't need it, want it, or deserve it, at great cost to their own emotional and mental wellbeing.

The other type of woman who goes for men like this believe that by 'fixing' their partners, their fixing the father who left them, or changing the abuser who abused them. There are women also who does this because it's a way of controlling others. They want to have the upper hand, want to have someone owe them and almost be dog-like loyal to them for for what they've done for their partner. It's not really generosity because there are too many strings attached to it.

My friends all say I am attracted to 'fixing' someone and whilst I don't go looking for it I do think given my previous they are right.
I absolutely do not want to attract this type of person next and have been single for 4 years for this reason. I want to meet someone who has their shit together!

@Hampotsandonions

X post Respectabitch absolutely fascinating subject. Thanks for explanation. My DH is the type who will "rescue" his employees, friends, animals, dying houseplants . I wouldn't have said he lacked confidence but he very rarely, if ever, asks for help himself and is never open about his own problems. I have to be very careful not to complain or ask for help with anything unless absolutely necessary or he would do it for me like a shot. And as I say, he has tried to help in the past when I haven't wanted him to, and there have been times when I have had to really be quite firm about it.

@Hampotsandonions

And as I say, he has tried to help in the past when I haven't wanted him to, and there have been times when I have had to really be quite firm about it

There is a difference between helping someone and managing them, but the line is often a fine one. A person who's there to help asks 'What can I do to make this easier for you?', and what they hear is 'This partner is asking me for help. I will do what I can to fulfil want they need'.

Someone who enjoys managing others a bit too much under the disguise of 'helping' sees someone who needs to be 'managed'. They will often 'help' even if they don't want them to. They will often end up taking over, dominating and bossing the person they're supposed to be 'helping'. They think they know best and will be huffy, sulcky or frustrated if you don't let them play project manager.

Your husband might not be a 'manager' at all, but it's food for thought. My friend used to get in my hair sometimes not because she was that type, but because she was a fairly anxious person, for example, and she sometimes had difficulty realising where the boundary between helping and anxiously interfering was.

My partner*

'sulcky'??? Dear oh dear. I wish I had an edit button today!