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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I let my brother join me when I move?

21 replies

winnieupland · 21/01/2021 19:14

I’ll try to make a long story short. My brother and I went through a lot together. We were both neglected and abused by “family.” I have my struggles. Emotionally, mostly. I have a lot of healing and growing to do. I’ve just left a toxic long-term relationship. My brother has his own struggles that differ from mine. He has a lengthy criminal record for drug possession. He has also been involved to some extent in gang activity in the past. 3 years ago he was shot in the head and miraculously survived. I feel that he would like to change, that he, like me, may just need a chance.

The people around us, the “family,” always tried to paint a dark picture of him, saying that he uses people, that he doesn’t really care for people. I, however, feel otherwise. I believe that he is a good person at heart. All of the times he was there to comfort me when we were growing up, when no one else bothered. He used to be the only one who would buy me gifts and bother to actually wrap them on my birthday, even though he hardly had any money. I feel like he taught me a lot about what it means to care about another person.

He has been in the habit of asking me for money when he’s in a pinch. He asked me for money when he was thinking about doing drug deals again, and I denied him that because I didn’t want to be involved. I want better for him. Also, I personally prefer to not borrow money from anyone; I don’t like feeling that I owe someone financially.

I haven’t actually seen him in a few years, but we’ve gotten back in touch. I would like to move to Texas, start fresh. He’s interested in going with me. His daughter is there. And honestly, it would be nice to not be all alone in a new place. I’ve been making mistakes for so long in life, and I want to take a chance to do good. If I can help him I would like to do that.

Does it sound worthwhile to you? Or do you think it would be asking for trouble, given his lifestyle? I’m worried that it would turn into me having no peace and constantly worrying about what he’s doing.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 21/01/2021 19:17

Nope, asking for trouble, I wouldn’t do it.

mrstasty · 21/01/2021 19:18

He has a lengthy criminal record for drug possession. He has also been involved to some extent in gang activity

No. I would not risk my well-being and safety.

2021hastobebetter · 21/01/2021 19:20

Fine move to Texas -he can move nearby if he wants but NOT with you.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2021 19:21

Fucking hell, op. NO WAY. Re-read what you've written and try very hard to do so from the point of view of a stranger and remove your emotions from it.

Lengthy criminal record, drugs, gang activity, leaching for money. I understand you love him, but your love won't fix him. You would be mad to move in with him.

FifteenToes · 21/01/2021 19:22

Yes, definitely, do it.

Problems of lifestyle, habit and criminality are often very strongly rooted in place and company. Moving somewhere new and meeting new people could be exactly what he needs.

You're clearly aware of something good in him, and it sounds like he's been dealt more than his fair share of s* to turn things bad. You don't get many second chances in life to exercise your optimism, and if you don't take them you just end up older, smaller and bitter.

category12 · 21/01/2021 19:23

Separate apartments? I wouldn't live with him, you'll really struggle to keep boundaries and your money, if your living situations are too entwined.

MattWanksock · 21/01/2021 19:25

I would do it but set ground rules to keep yourself safe. Possibly even a warning that you can tell him to go at any point.

Sounds like he needs your support to better his life. As long as it's not detrimental to you Thanks

Love51 · 21/01/2021 19:25

Don't become responsible for another adult in the states, their welfare provision isn't as robust as ours, you'll end up working yourself into the ground to provide for you both, and he'll be more likely to turn to crime if he can't get a legitimate income.

ImaginaryCat · 21/01/2021 19:25

I assume you're in the US already. If not, he's not getting in with that record.

Milkshake7489 · 21/01/2021 19:25

Without knowing all the ins and outs it's impossible to say whether this would be a good idea, but would he get a visa?

I'd want to help my sibling make a fresh start too, but please make sure whatever decision you make is right for you Flowers

katy1213 · 21/01/2021 19:29

You're a saint. I'm not and I wouldn't even consider it.
If he really wants to turn his life around, he'll do it himself.

winnieupland · 21/01/2021 19:32

@Milkshake7489

@ImaginaryCat

Thank you for commenting 💐 He and I are American, so visas and all of that wouldn’t be an issue.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/01/2021 19:33

I would do it but set ground rules to keep yourself safe. Possibly even a warning that you can tell him to go at any point.

Which will only work if the op is emotionally strong enough to handle it. The brother moves in, everything goes tits up, which it will, and then the emotional manipulation and terrorism will start. Op may find it impossible to get rid of him.

Don't do this, op. It would be a massive mistake.

winnieupland · 21/01/2021 19:39

Thank you for all of the thoughtful comments I have gotten already 💛 I really appreciate it. I think I will wait to see whether or not he stays interested and, if he does, I will find the words to tell him that I think it would be best if we each had our own apartments. Because I cannot risk everything when his behavior might continue to be chaotic. That way I will be nearby if and when he needs me, we can help each other and have a little support bubble, and I can maintain my own life and safety.

OP posts:
BornIn78 · 21/01/2021 19:39

You haven’t even been in touch with him for a few years, you know virtually nothing except what he’s chosen to tell you.

The last you heard of him he was involved in gang activity and being shot in the head.

BlueThistles · 21/01/2021 19:40

No 🌺

alexis4theppl · 21/01/2021 19:44

If you believe this is a fresh start for you both then go for it. Your life story sounds rough, take a chance on something new.. why not?
Set some ground rules and have a plan of what you want to do when there. I think it's important he has some idea of how he can turn his life around, work or education for example but have some idea so he can hit the ground running and keep busy. You can be supportive to each other. I'd like to think I'd give that lifeline to my brother should he need it. Good luck x

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 21/01/2021 19:46

@winnieupland

Thank you for all of the thoughtful comments I have gotten already 💛 I really appreciate it. I think I will wait to see whether or not he stays interested and, if he does, I will find the words to tell him that I think it would be best if we each had our own apartments. Because I cannot risk everything when his behavior might continue to be chaotic. That way I will be nearby if and when he needs me, we can help each other and have a little support bubble, and I can maintain my own life and safety.
I think you should do just that! Live nearby so you have a support bubble for both of you to have a fresh start and you get to see yourself or niece 😘
WTAFIhavelosttheferret · 21/01/2021 19:51

Texas is massive- will he be near his daughter?

Very handy to have someone who know how to use a gun in Texas.

ExtraSettings · 21/01/2021 19:56

Maybe. But it’s very important to keep some separation. Definitely not share accommodation. Don’t lend him money etc.

Most of all, do whatever makes you comfortable. It may be that you can stay cared for and connected with each other, but live in different places, maybe go on a couple of trips or meet a few times a year etc?

Yes your DB deserves a fresh start away from past stressed and people, but so do you.

Love51 · 21/01/2021 21:52

If he lives in your town and his life goes a bit wrong, do you really think you won't let him move in?

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