Just had a row with my mom, should I cut contact?

[Theonethatgotawayawayaway]

My mother has decided to be quite nasty to me all because I couldn’t lend her any more money. Basically every month I lend her up to (sometimes over £100) even though my OH and I are a low income family ourselves. Now she already owes me £70 which I was supposed to get back a couple of weeks ago but she made me wait again until the end of the month. I know I should keep lending her money but she doesn’t stop hounding me telling me she has no food or gas electric. Anyway yesterday was my online college, she had my kids for me which she told me I had to pay petrol for which I didn’t mind. Anyway I live 2 miles from her, it takes about 4-5 minutes in a car. I said I could only afford £5 petrol and she started being so nasty to me it’s unreal. She’s told me that if I ever need help with anything even my rent she won’t help me (I very rarely lend money off her, if I ever have it’s to pay some of my rent and she gets it back in around 2-3 days) and has said that no more lifts I’ll have to walk up with the three kids if I want her to see them etc. Well after he sulking all night I called her 5 mins ago to chat, she was being really short and told me I was horrible for not offering the full amount of petrol and it costs £10. I go once a week sometimes once every 2 weeks and I always pay more than I should but this time I genuinely couldn’t afford it.

Now what pisses me off, my sister lives there with her boyfriend, they pay definitely pay there way and are often lending her money too which she also takes a long time to pay back. My sister has confirmed that with the money I’ve been lending her she doesn’t buy barley any food, gas or electric but buys fags/cans etc. I didn’t realise this and my sister told me a couple of days ago that she spends £20 a day on cigarettes. They get more money than me tbh, she claims ESA and my dad works full time.

Am I being unreasonable?

Just to add I went off on the phone back to her and told her I’m not a loan company and I can’t keep paying for her fags etc

She also went out of her way to message my brother last week and tell him that I’ll lend him money if he needs it (I didn’t say this).

No not at all,leave her to it x

Not a good idea to keep lending her money - just say no.

@Mischance

Not a good idea to keep lending her money - just say no.

That’s what I’m going to do from now on, I feel really hurt by the things she’s said

2 miles in petrol is pence, really she’s just being grabby. £5 would get me around 50 miles or more. She clearly needs cash but can’t ask because she already owes you. I would go LC until she realises this is all on her. And stop lending money, now you’ve told her you can’t afford petrol then you can’t afford to lend her money anymore, change in circumstances. £5 gets you 20/25 2 Mile trips.

@Lilac95

2 miles in petrol is pence, really she’s just being grabby. £5 would get me around 50 miles or more. She clearly needs cash but can’t ask because she already owes you. I would go LC until she realises this is all on her. And stop lending money, now you’ve told her you can’t afford petrol then you can’t afford to lend her money anymore, change in circumstances. £5 gets you 20/25 2 Mile trips.

I worked out last night how much it costs and I was shocked. When I told her This today she said she couldn’t believe I’d actually calculated it and that was pathetic.

Where are your boundaries here when it comes to her?.

Turn your phone off and block your mother from being able to contact you in any way. Do not answer the door to her or your dad if they turn up. Do not further subject your children to them, your mother is not an emotionally safe person to be at all around.

Stop acting like a bank to your mother and otherwise enabling her as you have felt obligated to do. Tell her its closed and closed permanently; she will have to leech off someone else.

She is taking your family money to spend on tobacco and alcohol, another way of looking at it is that she is taking money for food from your kids mouths. Enabling as you have done gives you a false sense of control and does not help you or her for that matter. It is likely that you will never see a penny of it back now.

10 quid in my car is quarter of a tank. What the hell does she drive?

Time to stop, say no each and every time but I'd probably write off the 70 she owes you.

The best way I've found is to counter ask, they ask and you say 'actually I was hoping to ask you for a loan'

No you don't fund someone else's habit. If she can't afford to smoke then she needs to learn that the hard way.

@gamerchick

10 quid in my car is quarter of a tank. What the hell does she drive?

Time to stop, say no each and every time but I'd probably write off the 70 she owes you.

The best way I've found is to counter ask, they ask and you say 'actually I was hoping to ask you for a loan'

No you don't fund someone else's habit. If she can't afford to smoke then she needs to learn that the hard way.

They have a corsa.

When I offered her the £5 she said ‘what good is £5 to me’ so I said well it’s for petrol isn’t it? And she said said they dont ever put just £5 in. I said well I’ll go and put it in for you and she hung up.

Going no contact shouldn’t be too difficult - once she realises you won’t give her any more money I doubt you’ll hear from her very much anyway.

You really need to stop engaging. These kinds of people will always find a way to hurt you or twist things around. Your asking for understanding and clarity from someone who is completely unwilling to give it. Its easier said then done I know, I constantly reach out to my parent and get knocked back. It's only picking at the wounds that will never heal if you're still being hurt by them.

Stop lending and borrowing money. You might be lending her far more and not getting it back, but if you also borrow money from her it makes it difficult to draw a line in the sand.

I can't imagine charging anyone petrol for a 2 mile trip, but based on your relationship I'd consider finding alternative childcare anyway (and do consider that she could use providing childcare against you, unless you are paying her over the odds for this?).

Tell her that if you were a business she’s be paid 45p per mile in mileage which covers fuel and wear and tear. So £5 is more than generous!

I mean I agree you should reduce contact and not lend money anymore
But, I noticed you use her regularly for free childcare?
So if you do this, she may refuse to have your children and would the cost of childcare be more or less than the money you lend/gift her now and then?

I know you are both low income and I just wouldn’t want you to find yourself in an even worse position financially.

If you didn't lend her money you could afford your rent.

Can you make different arrangements for childcare?

Yes I can make alternative arrangements, she had them once a week whilst I did my college course And any other time we were visiting.

Stop lending money

use your alternative for childcare...

🌺

@Milkshake7489

Stop lending and borrowing money. You might be lending her far more and not getting it back, but if you also borrow money from her it makes it difficult to draw a line in the sand.

I can't imagine charging anyone petrol for a 2 mile trip, but based on your relationship I'd consider finding alternative childcare anyway (and do consider that she could use providing childcare against you, unless you are paying her over the odds for this?).

I’ve only borrowed money twice this was the very first pandemic when OH lost his job, she was borrowing money long before that tbh, but it seems her expectations have got a lot higher and it’s not the odd bit of money now but she expects money throughout the month

In future dont lend her money but pay her the going rate for childcare. Or find someone else.