Sex pest or no?

[Ritascornershop]

For years I dated a man who I loved and who loved me. Our sex drives differed - I enjoy it a lot but it does not consume my every waking moment and I could go without it for weeks. We actually had sex a few times a week, which was great.

Occasionally we’d go for a day out and drive off to deep countryside. Every time he’d park up and we’d go for a walk and he’d either try it on or get annoyed that someone was fishing or walking their dog or something ( not cross with me, just a bit distracted and sad that he couldn’t have sex in the woods). And I’d just think “can we not have a day in the countryside without a shag? Just once?”

At the time we were both around 50.

Sex pest or just a high sex drive?

“Sex pest” would imply he hassled and nagged you for sex he knew you didn’t especially want or feel in the mood for at that point in time or that location. If that was the case, yes he was a sex pest.

If you’d never told him you really weren’t up for sex in the woods and found it irritating that it was all he could think about, it would be unreasonable to expect him to read your mind.

Presumably it didn’t work out for a variety of reasons so I wouldn’t bother spending one wondering who was right and who was wrong. Hopefully you’ll each have met or will meet somebody you’re happier with.

Urgh I couldn't deal with that. Absolute sex pest.
Seems he turns every situation into a sexual opportunity, highly sexually pre-occupied.

Thanks Sabrina, that’s it exactly, it’s like he was always thinking about how to turn any event into a sexual opportunity.

Comtesse, if your partner never gives any indication they’re up for it, isn’t it a bit pesty to introduce it into every forested area (so to speak)?

And I want to know because the next man I dated I told I wanted to go slow and he moved to groping way too quickly & then asked if I’d be up for fwb when I’d said I wanted a relationship with someone. So I’m trying to figure out men and sex (at middle age).

I wouldn't say sex pest, but definitely something that was a particular sexual turn on of his to do it outside, just not clearly communicated to you.

If I had a partner who kept suggesting sex at times and places I didn’t want it or didn’t think I’d given off any indication of wanting it I’d say “I’m not feeling it right now” or “outdoor sex isn’t really my thing” or “can’t we just enjoy the walk - it doesn’t have to be about sex all the time, you know” or “I don’t think this is going to work out, we don’t appear to have the same attitude to sex.” Surely that’s what you did the initial few times he tried it on? In which case, if he persisted, having been told it wasn’t really something you were interested in, yes; he’s a sex pest.

Relationships come a whole lot easier when you learn how to speak up for yourself. You don’t have to “figure men out”, they aren’t a strange subspecies. You just need to know what you want and don’t want from a relationship and be confident enough to convey that to somebody, and confident that if they don’t respect what you want that you are entitled to end things.

The truth is nobody on here knows if he was a sex pest or had a high sex drive or not.
We actually had sex a few times a week, Occasionally we’d go for a day out and drive off to deep countryside hardly screems high sex drive.

The guy may have truly believed you enjoyed al fresco sex. Certainly nothing you have written indicates one way or another.

My only observation is that you seemed to be having sex that you didn't enjoy and yet you didn't communicate this!!!! Why

It sounds like a particular turn-on rather than a sex pest thing? I had an ex who was really in to outdoor sex and every country walk was an opportunity according to his libido!

@DrMorbius I don’t know where on earth you get that I wasn’t enjoying it 😳 We has great sex! He didn’t live with me and every single time he came over we had sex. It just started getting on my nerves that we couldn’t once in a blue moon spend non-sexual time together.

I did broach it, he’d get sulky and say all women did this to him eventually.

They are a strange sub-species when it comes to me.

Threads I start always end up with people telling me it’s all about my personality flaws.

Did you ever actually tell him that you weren't interested in sex outside? I agree it sounds as though he might have had a fantasy about outdoor/woodland sex.

I don't think the label of the person is helpful tbh. It's the behaviour that is important.

It sounds like he saw you as a fuck buddy rather than a girlfriend.

I did broach it, he’d get sulky and say all women did this to him eventually.

That’s the problem, then. Wanting lots of sex or outdoor sex doesn’t make somebody a sex pest. Getting sulky and making it out to be your problem when you decline, does.

"Sex pest or just a high sex drive?"

I don't think it's either, just a guy who likes outdoor sex. It seems you weren't compatible in that area.

I knew of a guy who split up with his girlfriend because he couldn't deal with her 'risky' sexual preferences ie wanting sex in shop doorways (at night !! ), down back alleys, in the lavvy on BR trains, in telephone boxes, in parked cars in multi-storey carparks etc.

It broke his heart but he said he just couldn't deal with it.

If you have to ask if he was a pest, then he probably was a bit pesty.

It sounds like a particular turn-on rather than a sex pest thing? I had an ex who was really in to outdoor sex and every country walk was an opportunity according to his libido!

Agree with this.

I had a relationship at University and he didn't want me to wear knickers which prompted him to fondle my bottom at the most inappropriate moments. He was on the University Rowning team and amazing in bed but he couldn't leave me ,or my poor bottom, alone. In the end it was too much so I ended it. I didn't realise how much I hurt him and he dropped out. I always felt guilty about that because he was lovely but if he hadn't been so full-on ALL the time things could have worked out differently.