Can't escape toxic friend/ family.

[malificent7]

Long story...
I had a toxic friend who I met when i was 21 and going through a bad patch. We did get on but she used to undermine me a lot and date my exes. As i was so ill i didn't get rid. We were in the same profession so it was highly competetive between us. My low self esteem kept me in the intense relationship.
Fast forward 10 years and my mum dies of cancer...her mum gets with my dad . My dad raves about my friend and how talented she is at the career that I wanted.
Her dd and mine used to fight...dd got blame from her.
Now we are distant but i hate that we are connected. I hate thst im jealous of her and her success. I can see now that in the past she used to discourage me from my chosen path. I was a fool and now I feel resentful and a bit messed up...but we are linked through family.

Hi @malificent7

There seems like a lot to unpick there. What most struck me was this though:

My dad raves about my friend and how talented she is at the career that I wanted.

Why do you think he does that? What is your relationship with your dad like?

It's difficult. He couldbe a great dad but he was very tight with money growing up and could be a heliocopter parent. I went to a school where he taught I hated it but he shadowed me when i chose my A levels with a grimance on his face. Concerned but overbearing.
My sister says he would often refuse to buy us lunch on a day out as he was so tight with money but i do remember packed lunches so perhaps he was careful.
I do remember him being horrid to mum though so we are hurt he is so much nicer to the new partner.
Even as a teen he used to rave about my froend's achievements whilst alk thed time criticising me...really odd.

As for my friend....i must see something in her but she is a quiet type who will listen to your problems then spread it .To be honest it feels like she has ' stolen' my dad's attention somewhat although i dont think that was her attention....

All the time*

It sounds as though that was exactly her intention!

What an absolute bitch she is.

Is it possible to see your dad when it's just you and your sister? I imagine your 'friend' wouldn't like that.

How old are you?
How old is your DD?

I do not get on with my sister. You have a toxic step sister- with some history. Minimise contact.

I would just say to your Dad that you want to focus on your relationship with him and you and DD. Remove her DD from your DD's life. Talk to DD about self confidence and toxic people etc.
Counselling and improving self confidence for both of you. Get the career you WANT. Focus on you.

Your Dad wasn’t a kind, supportive and encouraging parent when you were growing up and still actively isn’t.

Not sure the friend is all of your issue here.

Who else do you have in your life that is supportive, respectful and kind? I would be spending more time with positive radiant mutually beneficial friendships and let this unhelpful little bunch hang out together. Detach emotionally in your mind and withdraw a bit from the family dynamic. You don’t need their approval or affirmation - and you certainly aren’t getting it. Take your DD out of hostile environments as well. Distance yourself - you have no obligation to this man - he has let you down repeatedly. Move on to a calmer and more peaceful life.

Yes, definitely minimise contact. Sadly, there a lot of people around like your ex friend/toxic acquaintance and if your boundaries are low they can do no end of damage. I would also remove contact for your DD with hers - it is so easy for these things to slip into the next generation.

I would really recommend counselling (with the right counsellor) too - I know it is expensive though, and that put me off for years despite being able to afford it really. It took me years to justify it - had some over a two year period (ad hoc sometimes every week but usually at least a month inbetween) when I was feeling flush but wish I had prioritised it years ago. It took a while but it seems like I see the world in subtle but significantly different way now (although I'm not sure how much of that was the counselling and how much was all the reading).

Your dad sounds like he has some toxic traits - I hope he reacts well to some boundaries. I would move towards not tolerating him putting you down by PA complimenting this woman - whether that is his conscious intention or not.

I am just so annoyed with them both. Thanks for the kind words.

Listen to that annoyance - that’s your gut telling you that they are crossing boundaries and are not good enough for you and your DD. Concentrate on surrounding yourself with people who’s values and behaviours you respect, who care about you and who make you feel good - don’t waste your headspace, time and emotions with this lot. Take a step back. They are not a positive impact on your life.

I have been to councelling but was a bit meh. Emsr worked wonders. The thing is, these people can be nice...until they're not.

The thing is, these people can be nice...until they're not.

Know that the “nice” is a key part of it - it is fake, a manipulation, so that they can reel you back into punching distance - so that they can lash out and hurt you again.

People who love and respect you wouldn’t treat you like this. Know that when they are being “nice” - the contempt is just hidden below the surface. I suspect that your gut knows this and alerts you with a “confused” “anxious” “caution” sensation.

Confused, anxious, caution is right. Interesting as i met her when I was reeling from an abusive ex.