I'm really struggling at the minute, going round in circles about my relationship with DH. I feel like I've been doing this for years; I go through phases where I'm constantly fantasising about leaving him and then that changes and I feel like I couldn't bear the thought of ever not being with him.
I do love him a lot, he's a good man and in general we have a happy marriage. We've been together for 18 years - since I was 18 and DH 19. He can be a bit of a workaholic and I end up spending a lot of time on my own but that's about his only fault really. But it means we are comfortable financially. I work for myself doing admin type of role, so I work from home. No DC due to fertility issues but we were planning on IVF at the end of the year (potenitally, depending on the Covid situation)
When I think about leaving, I don't think about finding someone else. I'm not interested. I love the idea of living alone, of having a fresh start, of being able to just please myself. There are some new builds being built close to me, I love the area, I just keep imagining getting one, and a golden retriever.
I just don't know what to do. I hate feeling like this, I feel so guilty. I can also see all the downsides if I did actually leave. I would never want to hurt DH at all. I do really love him. But I don't know how to put these thoughts out of my head and be happy and grateful for the life that I have.