How to meet someone?

[roseblossom2021]

I really don’t want to do online dating. I couldn’t bear it and it really doesn’t work for me.

I’m feeling very lonely and bored at the moment and just want to meet someone. My fear is even without lockdown I know I would struggle.

How do I do this?

Pretty impossible at the moment!
But you could join home clubs and groups and you may meet someone there. A few singles pages on Facebook too.

Why are you so against online dating? It can work!

I agree. Online dating is horrendous.

I have no idea though. With the way things are at the moment maybe just focus on other things until the world opens up again 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yes I think I might just have to do that.

I honestly just cannot do online dating. It’s not for me. I’m not attracted to people based just on a photo or a few lines and the men out there are just dire. I rarely get matches even when I take a chance. I know it works for some people but I just know it’s not for me.

I have a dread that even without lockdown I probably won’t be able to find someone. I think maybe creating the most fulfilling life for myself alone is the way forward.

Tbh, creating the best life for yourself is the best idea rather than putting on hold until you met someone you can build a life with.

It happens for most people, even if not all, and the last thing you'd want is to have spent 10 years trying to meet someone and not living your life for yourself in the meantime.

I agree with you re online dating. I think it's fine if you are middle of the road, have low standards or just don't want to be single.

I think its the worst way to let someone decent.

Obviously, there will be exceptions that prove the rule. I'm guessing.

I think if you don’t want to do old (which I totally understand, it wasn’t for me either) then you need to accept you won’t be meeting anyone for quite a long time given the situation we are in.

Everything @EddisonTortoise said up there!
OLD is quite hit and miss and these days the guys on there are just seeking to relieve boredom as it’s almost impossible to meet anyone now.

Yes, it’s cheered me up a bit posting here and it’s good advice. I feel exhausted by it all. I think it’s so hard to meet someone in real life even without lockdown - well for me anyway. I think I might just accept it won’t happen and look for other ways to fulfil myself.

I think I will be getting a dog! I’ve wanted one for so long and thought I should wait till I find someone but maybe that’s just wishful thinking and I’ll just get on with it.

I think as others have said you are not likely to meet anyone new at the moment in an organic way. Try not to set yourself any expectations for a while I would say.

Once things open up a bit I would recommend joining "meet ups". If you register then have a search their website for groups that might interest you. You can search by activity type or area.

I joined a few walking groups and a social group a couple of years ago. As with everything else they're not meeting at the moment but I have met a number of lovely people on these groups. male and female.

When we are all allowed out, check out volunteering for something completely different away from home. WWOOF working on organic farms, National Trust, Inland Waterways for Canal Restoration (Waterway Recovery Group Mike Palmer Chairman). I joined the latter and went along on my own with a borrowed sleeping bag. I've been all over the country with a great group of people of various ages and didn't feel awkward being a lone female. Bricklaying, driving a dumper truck, scrub bashing and lots more are available for everyone, after appropriate training. The cooking is not only directed to the girls. It's so satisfying seeing a lock or bridge that you've helped restore, even if doing only a little. It all counts.

P.S. I didn't expect to meet my husband while building a bonfire! Thank goodness I had my lippy as well as wellies, hard hat and wet weather gear!

I’m feeling really sad and depressed tonight. I know I shouldn’t have done this but I created a fake profile on an app and saw my ex on there. I’ve just deleted it again now. It’s been 18 months since we split.

I feel so down. I have nothing to look forward to. And I can’t see it changing. I can’t even look forward to the end of lockdown because it was hard for me to meet anyone before. I just feel very alone and so lonely.

I know this sounds extreme but it’s the loneliness that kills me. I feel depressed about it but at the heart of everything I just feel perpetually bored of my life.

If there were a button I could press to drop dead now or if I knew I only had so long to live, I would honestly be relieved. I feel terrible saying that especially when I see in this pandemic how many people want to be alive and stay alive and their grief at losing people. But it’s how I feel. Sometimes I see the decades stretching out before me and I just don’t want any of it. I honestly think I’d be happier if I knew I just had a month or a week left. It makes me so sad.

@roseblossom2021 would you consider going to a GP? I've had those feelings before - of not wanting to exist, or wanting to sleep forever - and it was depression. Once my serotonin levels were back up to normal with medication I stopped feeling like that.

I think your idea of getting a dog is a great one.

Hope you are ok

I don’t really want to go on ADs. And I’m just not sure what to do apart from just get on with living life and hope this passes. I am doing counselling at the moment. But I’ve been doing it for 18 months. It’s helped a lot. But it can’t get rid of the sadness I feel of being alone. I feel like that’s something I just have to go through and accept until it changes.

Glad to hear your in counselling, it's doesn't seem dating is what you need right now, I think with the lockdown it just makes us singles feel even more lonely, we just have to get through it, few more months and the weather will be better too which helps positivity.

Online dating Isn't for everyone but meeting men otherwise can be hard unless you are a very sociable and outgoing person, or young and drop dead gorgeous.
Keep an open mind both online and in rl when you feel ready to that is, only try when your in a positive mind frame though.

Hello OP. I am sending you a hug and warm wishes and thoughts. I am recently single and understand what you are saying about loneliness, especially at this time. It is very pervasive.

I know you say that online dating is not for you. Some apps have a 'friend' option that might take the pressure off the romantic side of it, but still give you the option to talk to people?

I am trying to cope with loneliness and bad feelings by doing something creative or absorbing every day, and focusing on something good (a bird outside, a cup of coffee, sitting in a warm patch of sun). On the worst days I just take it an hour at a time, to be honest.

You are not alone in these feelings. I think there are very many of us out there. It will get better, this too shall pass.

@roseblossom2021

I don’t really want to go on ADs. And I’m just not sure what to do apart from just get on with living life and hope this passes. I am doing counselling at the moment. But I’ve been doing it for 18 months. It’s helped a lot. But it can’t get rid of the sadness I feel of being alone. I feel like that’s something I just have to go through and accept until it changes.

But anti-depressants could help lift you out of this low mood.

While you're down, everything's a struggle and it feels like nothing can change, but that's basically the depression warping your thinking.

It would be worth trying an anti-d for a few months to see whether it helps, surely?

I understand about the dating apps, they’re not ideal if you want a long term relationship (in most cases). I’d suggest taking up some new hobbies, a change in career etc. When the right one comes along you’ll know!

I wouldn't discount OLD completely. I know loads of people that have met their long term partners. I've been with mine 8 years! A friend of mine has been married for 15 years, both met our partners online. Yes there are quite a few knobs (and you'll see a few too!) and exes and people you know (married men!) but there are some genuine people out there.

I just really don’t think I can. I barely got any matches as it was. But god this lockdown is hard and so depressing. But I also feel that it won’t change much for me even after it ends.

I think I really need to meet Someone in another way.

I am in the same situation when I was tipsy one night I paid for a dating site which is not great and the same people are on there as the free ones!
There is a little chic wine bar in a local town near me who do virtual wine and cheese tasting nights (expensive) but over zoom and they send out the wine and cheese I am considering having a little go of this next time they do one!
You never know there maybe someone on there (it's doubtful but worth a try 😆)!
Maybe have a little look in your area for something similar?

Thank you. Yes maybe I should! I live in London so you’d think there should be things like this.

Get hobbies where there are men. Volunteering. I used to go out socially a lot, I was really making an effort to meet someone. Go on a date even when I wasn’t sure about a guy. Took me 3 years of actively looking and I did find him.

I think it’s very lucky if the right person just comes into your life, and I don’t really believe in luck. So I had to go out there and find him myself.

How are you feeling @roseblossom2021?

I came on to say - in response to what you said here:

I think I will be getting a dog! I’ve wanted one for so long and thought I should wait till I find someone but maybe that’s just wishful thinking and I’ll just get on with it.

I definitely wouldn’t wait to get a dog. Get one now! Also, dog walking is a great way of meeting people in a relaxed non-pressured way.

I hope you’re feeling better .

What are your friendships and familial relationships like OP? We are a community/social species and were meant to be with others. Sadly that sense of community and connection has largely been lost in many parts of the West. Due to this, a lot of people place all of their need for human connection on a SO, and falsely equate romantic love as the most fulfilling/important kind of love possible. This puts an immense pressure on us to find a SO and wreaks havoc on people's self-esteem and personal fulfilment.

I'm not saying that romantic love isn't important/wonderful, but I do think a lot of people would feel less lonely if they had genuine friendships (the kind in which you would die for each other), healthy family relationships, plus a sense of community/connection to something bigger than ourselves. To value romantic love above all of that puts way too much pressure on yourself and your SO, imo.

Maybe you've considered this before but I thought I'd point it out in case you hadn't. I know it's horrible being alone OP, I've been there, but romantic love isn't the be all end all and a SO is not the only way to stop your life from being boring.

There is also the cliché (but in my experience very accurate) saying that you meet the one when you least expect it, and also when you are already happy as you are. I do think there is a lot of truth to this, personally.