Anyone have experience with partner and cocaine use

[Lauren551]

I have 4 children with my Long term partner of 13 years , we are now both 32

I don’t want to paint him out as some loser because he isn’t , he has a very well paid job , works hard , we have a nice home and a nice life , he is a very involved and excellent parent , good looking.

HOWEVER

On and off throughout the relationship when he’s gone out with his friends for ‘a lads night out’ they could get very out of control and result in him not coming home all night , or very very early hours or the morning , it didn’t take long for me to work out they were doing cocaine. I kind of turned a blind eye is he did it socially and didn’t interfere with family life as he didn’t go out that often and everything else was great so I did kind of just accept this is something that happened, this was the case right up to lockdown when I eventually discovered texts to prostittues on his phone I can’t explain how shocked I was , I love this man so much we have built a life together. After lots of talking I am 98% sure he has never actually gone through with this and it’s become an additional habit when he takes cocaine something to increase the buzz , I spent weeks going through his phone bills and bank statements etc and it was evident he had only ever behaved in this disgusting manner on these nights out on cocaine , he has never done it sober , nor has he ever engaged in any affairs / messaging other women etc. I also unravelled he’d gamble on the cocaine too all very risk taking out of the ordinary , escapism behaviour. it’s all very messed up and I’ve found it difficult to get my head around. I know it’s not normal and I’ve told him it’s got to stop , I made him move out for 7 months and I let him come back to the family home Just before Christmas for one last try.

I suppose I’d like some advice from anyone that has been through similar , I am quite an open minded person , never taken drugs myself but I can kind of get past the cocaine so anti drug comments etc aren’t really whet I’m looking for , I know for some peoples this alone would be a deal breaker but for me it isn’t. it sort of haunts me the prostittue thing , has anyone any experience in similar Behaviour ?

Wow so sorry much longer than I thought

I've been through the same 2 years ago my partner of 12 years (we have one child together),started going out with mates and wouldn't come home till the next day (I call them all nighters)he did 44 all nighters over 11 months,I finally figured out he was doing coke socially..I want mad..he swore he had stopped,turns out he's never stopped he is a full blown addict her took it in the bathroom,has took it on a night when I was in bed,then on the 21st of December (just gone)he told me we had no money for xmas I couldn't believe what I was hearing! In 2 weeks he had spent 2k on coke! I kicked him out we are over,I will not have a drug user around my children,I've since found out he's been on dating sites for years,message me if u like xx

Some people experiment with drugs when younger and move on, and others it just becomes part of who they are. I know a lot of people who regularly indulge now even in their 30's and 40's. These are otherwise good people, with good careers, who have developed a habit. The ones with the best incomes develop the worst habits. I find it very sad and know it has torn apart their family lives in some instances. It's a filthy, destructive drug.

I know those with the worst habits don't just do on nights out, but will do as and when as long as they can hide it.

I would be more worried if he was texting sex workers under the influence of coke than not, as he'll be far more likely to follow through with it when high.

You should absolutely not be turning a blind eye to his coke use, or texting sex workers. Come on!

my respectable next door neighbour does coke a lot on his table in the conservatory, I can see him when I look out my bedroom window, the probably doesn't realise I can see him. He does it a lot. You would never have ever thought of him into that, and to be so brazen to do it in the evening on a weeknight when his mrs and daughter are in the house too..... how he hasn't been caught yet I can't understand.

I suffered from severe PTSD in the past, during this time I took cocaine and did lots of high risk things.
When speaking to my therapist it’s because by stimulating the buzz and chasing it, I’d somehow feel more in control and it would give me a break from the constant anxiety and the physical emotionally pain I felt daily.

I’d hazard a guess that your partner somewhere deep down has some emotional wounds he needs to heal to stop him chasing this self destructive behaviour and buzz.

I’d hate myself, feel sick with shame, but when I was in the cocain mindset and buzz I was also ruthless, selfish and really didn’t care about anyone else.
It’s like having a split personalised because the next day I’d have to live with the consequences- which of course creates a viscous cycle as the anxiety would keep building up again.

It's very unlikely he's just talking to prostitutes and has never seen one.

Do you have access to his email account? See if he has an account on Adult Works (prostitute site) by asking for a password reset and seeing if it comes through to his email, so you can access the account if he does. Beware he may get a notification that it's happened though, if he has email on his phone.

Wow, he’s a real catch isn’t he. And what a fab role model for your children.
OP, this is a drug user, gambler, and possible user of prostitutes. He supports a vile drug trade involving criminality, trafficking and murder.
How much more would he have to do before you regarded him as an unacceptable partner?!
Personally, any one of the above activities would be a deal breaker for me. I wouldn’t want such a person anywhere near me or my children. I’d give one chance to clean up his act completely or I’d be calling the divorce lawyer.

@Newfor2021

Sorry to hear you went through that

Yes I definitely believe it’s some kind of self destructive Behavior , when I write it down it makes him sound horrible and on the cocaine is behaviour is clearly selfish and disgusting but in day to day life he is not this person at all , he is a respectable good person , good father etc , I know it doesn’t make it ok but I know sober he would never ever act this way , I get angry he chooses to do something knowing how his behaviour escalates, I’ve asked him so many times if he is depressed or escaping something he says not and seems defensive about this

@fastwigglylines

Yes I’ve been through absolutely everything and there is no proof he’s done anything other than make the enquires which he says is where the buzz comes from , he says it’s not always even about sex it’s just the buzz of it , maybe the control / power ? No idea
I looked through his adult work account looks like it’s just been used to get numbers , he had some negative feedback calling him a time waster makes appointments but then cuts contact , It does seem he never went through with it

@Itstimetoquit

Thank you I will do x

I know you don't want to see him for what he is but as I read it he is a loser....sex workers and cocaine; is this all you think you and your family are worth? I wouldn't have a relationship with this man.

Do you think he is on forums asking for help to stop trying to escape from his life/demons? Is he interested in facing up to whatever is at the root of these behaviours?

Is he willing to change his ways though? Stopping the lads nights out that provoke that behaviour, socialising with decent friends instead. Unless he can put you and the kids first, he won't change. I just hope you won't continue to put up with it.

@seensome

I guess the true test will be when lockdown ends , right now I’m not silly in thinking it’s come to an end more so a lack of opportunity however I have seen changes in him , he’s very focussed on work and the kids , making sure I’m feeling happy etc . He’s been invited round to friends houses several times during lockdown and he has not gone , I can see he’s trying but sticking to it only time will tell, one thing I am certain of is he knows if he pulls anything like this again I would 100% leave , I’ve never rolled over and accepted bad behaviour , when I found out about the coke and callls to prostittues I locked the door and told him I was done , that was with a young baby , toddler and older child to take care of by myself and I lived that way for 6 months before agreeing to reconsidr the relationship , he knows I can do it alone and so do I xx

There is no way I would have a drug user around me or my child, recreational or otherwise. They are secretive, deceitful liars.

The problem is, the same as my ex, his friends all do it when they go out so no matter what they say, it will always happen again. I cannot tell you how many times he broke down and swore he would stop, but that he wasn’t addicted because it wasn’t allll the time maybe once every couple of months. My point was you are addicted in some way If
You cannot go out and have a few beers without doing it? The come down days after were horrific and the atmosphere in the home and if I’m honest life is a lot better without him. £40 a bag is bloody selfish too when you have children because they never stop at one. I used to say to my EXP imagine me trying to explain to the kids if you died on a bender? Imagine your Grandparents knowing this? 5 people off the top of my head in our localish area died from this so he knows it’s not unheard of. I do believe that the only way to stop in situations like this is drug counselling, because it’s hard to rely on willpower when all his friends around him are doing it, he will crack. Drug counselling and not putting himself in them social situations is the only way, and if his friends don’t help support this then they aren’t friends xx

@Sassysally12

Thank you I appreciate your honest advice and I agree with exactly what you are saying , his circle of friends will always do it and I know once lockdown ends something will have to give in order for him to stop doing it with those friends , likely cutting them off or therapy xx

Your welcome! Yes exactly, I think sometimes it’s harder when it’s a social thing because they are not locking themself away doing it alone ashamed of it and desperate for help. The lads
Almost brag about it and find it funny. I remember one of the many times he ‘quit’ and said it to one of his friends and he was like why?? Making out along the lines that he was ‘boring’ these are men in their thirties it’s just crazy. I hope he does get help for you, it does and can happen. I would press on professional help though xx

My ex partner has now admitted hes an addict,it started doing it with his friends and staying out all night 40 nights over 12 months,then he says he felt the need to do it every night,then everyday and now all day everyday! He's out of my life I packed his stuff and dropped it at his sister's! He says he's got help but I don't believe that even with help he can change all his friends family and co workers do it,I've stopped contact with child until he is clean and proves it,he's a complete waste of oxygen! I'm so hurt cry all the time but I know in time I'll be ok x

How often is he doing it?