His parents cut off.

[Fluffykittens13]

Okay this is a long one and will probably leave you with many questions yourself which I can attempt to answer but I will also try and keep it as short as possible 😊

Basically my husband doesn’t communicate with his mum, dad, or brother at all. I do realise that by saying that it makes him sound callus but there are many reasons behind it. His brother essentially cut him off when we got married and now husband opted to not invite his parents to our wedding. His parents also stole money from him and took loans out in his name (he worked away all the time and his mum convinced him he needed someone with regular access to his accounts to keep them in order - he was 16 when he first started being away so was a lot more impressionable. Not just plain stupid)

He essentially started cutting contact back in 2016 when we were getting our house. His mother hated me with a passion because I don’t stand for crap and if you lie I will tell you to your face. It was our second deposit we had saved up. The first one was used to pay off a credit card loan his mum and dad had kindly taken out in his name without his knowledge. When he told them we were getting a house his mum called us stupid because renting is the future - despite them having their own mortgage. Naturally we ignored her and went ahead buying our house and contact between them officially dwindled from there. Over the years leading up to that it had become less frequent on his part. His parents are functioning alcoholics and his mum just used to pick arguments with him or try and convince him he wanted to treat his dear old mum to something nice and expensive and I believe he started to see their relationship for what it was if you teamed that with the fact that they didn’t actually call me by my name and never said anything nice about me 😂
The final straw was when he proposed to me. We were away at the time and he called his mum to tell her. The response was one of, well distaste. From there he didn’t speak to her again apart from to send her a long message explaining why they wouldn’t be invited to the wedding. To which he received no response at all. No phone call. Not text back. Nothing.
In between this message and our wedding his last grandparent sadly passed away and his dad sent a message to all the family saying that my husband was safe to go because they Wouldn’t try and speak to him which was a little insulting and quite inappropriate to announce that to all the family like that. His family naturally wanted to know why on the day of the funeral when we were speaking to them and we got asked things about the wedding as we had sent out our invitations. His brother and his girlfriend however mentioned nothing about the wedding which is their prerogative but I did think it was a little odd as we had invited them. Especially to be stood in a group of people asking about the wedding.
A few months later we got married. His brother hadn’t rsvp’d and husband didn’t want to chase for an answer quite upset / angry that he didn’t get even a no despite having spoken to his brother a bit over the months leading up to him and even intentionally mentioning bits about the wedding to him like a big hint to reply. On the day his brother, girlfriend and child did not attend despite husbands hopes they might still show up.
This was the final straw for husband in regards to brother. But he wasn’t willing to cut contact completely. He was more mad I believe.

We’ve now been married for over two years. And in this time his brothers girlfriend made contact a couple of times, but they haven’t been well received by the husband. He’s been polite enough in messages back and forth but annoyed that it hasn’t been his brother. He said he was pissed that they didn’t even bother to rsvp to the wedding despite him dropping it into conversation and it’s quite clear he’s picked the side of his parents over having a relationship with both. He got issued an excuse that they didn’t receive an invitation though on the day we got married his auntie said she’d been told they weren’t going to attend so that was quite upsetting for him.

We’ve since had a few issues between the two of us. He started to remember odd things and his moods completely changed. He always been a bit grouchy sometimes anyway but this was a whole new level. It took months for me to find out his dad went to prison for child related offences but husband was at a young age and must have blocked it out a bit. After months of talking to him and trying to find things out gently we went down the social services route to try and get his files as he was allowed to live with his parents still but he wasn’t allowed to be alone with them.
Now when he said this sadly this connected a lot of dots in my head. His dad has always been into doing ‘photo shoots’ of young women despite not being a photographer. And things that were said around me and that I’ve seen never really sat right but as I was young when we first started dating and he was my first boyfriend I’d never really been around other people’s families other than my own so didn’t really know what to make of it.
Now we have a baby on the way. A little girl. And while they haven’t tried to make contact yet. I know the time will come. And I’m honestly terrified between his mum and his dad I’m scared. Husband stands firm on they aren’t allowed in our life at all which eases my mind a bit.
But I know my child will potentially one day ask the question of why she only has one grandma and grandad.
As I get nearer my due date all of the above plus what I haven’t mentioned swirls around my head a bit more and I’m feeling a little overwhelmed. Husband naturally doesn’t like talking about it all and I guess I just want to speak to someone about it and get other thoughts on the matter.

Can anyone help me at all? 😊

You go NC and say the grandparents are dead.

Wow that must be hard to find out about your IL's. Just the money side of things would be enough for a lot of people to want nothing to do with these parents. Your husband has obviously realised that they are not good people to be around which is great because then you do not have a battle on your hands. To have him want contact knowing they are a danger to your child would be a nightmare. Back him up on not wanting contact with them. All you can do money wise is ensure they can not use him name at all to get any more loans etc. I really wouldn't worry about explaining anything to your child. They shouldn't really be mentioned and if they are or child asks just decided beforehand what you are going to say, age appropriate, like 'they did some things that got them in trouble with the police, so we don't see them' or whatever you decide. And girl or boy, doesn't matter, mine would not be going near them

Support your husband in maintaining his boundaries and hopefully creating more - ie go NC. He's on the right track and he's done a lot of the right things for you and your family so far. He may need more support in the future - sounds like there might be more stuff coming out of his memory he'll need to process. Plenty of kids only have one set of grandparents in their lives so that's a non-issue for now.

My kids have pretty toxic grandparents (well the mother is), and my ex struggles with the relationship with them, trying to make them love the children but they just aren't like that. My parents are both dead. I guess I just would go nc if I were you. I would love two sets of wonderful grandparents but you can't have it all! It's not such a huge deal and who wants toxic people in their lives.

I have read a very long post and don’t see a problem here. Your IL’s are not nice people, your husband has not had contact with them for a few years and doesn’t want your children to have contact with his family. When the child/ren are old enough to ask (and that’s years away) you simply tell them daddy’s family are not very nice people. As they get older, you can choose to tell them more if they ask and you deem it appropriate for the information to be shared.

But I know my child will potentially one day ask the question of why she only has one grandma and grandad

Not necessarily, children often accept these things without thinking too deeply or asking.

My DS has great grandparents on one side, and it took him till he was about 12 or 13 to sort of really wonder about and ask about his (dead) great grandparents on the other side.

So if and when they do ask about 'other' grandparents, they'll likely be old enough to be told in age appropriate terms why there is no contact.

That is such a painful story to read, I’m so sorry OP. I agree the only approach is total NC with the parents and brother. I had a similar situation with a family member when I had three young daughters to worry about, we made it clear to him that if he came anywhere near us we would rip his throat out. I told the girls about it when they were older teenagers, and they made their own minds up about whether to have a family relationship with the person in question. Up until that point I just said they were ‘away’.

You’re going to be a great mum, OP.

Thank you all who have responded. I guess I just wanted assurance. We already are NC with his parents they are blocked on social media etc. They actually don’t even know where we live so that goes back years. I think I’m just being paranoid about him changing his mind and if they do get in touch. It wouldn’t matter whether or not bambino is a girl or a boy to me in regards to them seeing him/her but in my head social services allowed his dad to stay for a reason and team that with my own thoughts I just feel a little girl would be a lot more unsafe.
I’m also from a family where there is two of everyone still so I guess to me it’s all I have ever known. It’s my first child so I do have a lot to learn.

My paternal grandfather was a pedophile. To this day I don't know if my father and his brothers were abused too but I do know he molested children his childminder wife (my gran) cared for.
DSis and I were never allowed to be alone with him. He didn't live with gran but we saw him around town a lot. We didn't really question it. If your children do ask, then simply say, "We don't see daddy's mum and dad. They're not nice people".

I wouldn't kill them off to the kids. Another family member may mention them one day which will cause more questions and your children will know you have lied to them.

I’m sorry but your very long and dramatic post suggests you are trying to make your husbands tragedy your own.
Your DH doesn’t want anything to do with his awful family and all you need to do is be supportive of that. I am not sure why anybody needs to “help you at all”
You are also worrying about your as yet unborn child asking why they only have 1 set of Grandparents. Lots of children do, or none at all. A simple “they aren’t nice people” will be sufficient in 5- 10 years time.

As you say yourself, the issue will be if your DH decides to allow them access to your child, that’s when you will have a problem

@Hoppinggreen I’m not trying to make it my own tragedy. I wish it wasn’t an issue at all.
I know what should be done. And in my own head that’s great. It’s more the reassurance that I’m not a complete horrible cow if it does become and issue teamed with everything else.
As a child I know I asked a lot of questions. But not every child is the same. It’s nice to hear other people’s opinions on what is a shortened down matter 😂
I’m also not being arsey with this response just wanted to clarify that I really don’t want this drama.

Well that’s good because there isn’t any is there?
Your post is basically that your husbands family is awful, he’s NC with them and that’s it

You post reads to me like you still sort of think maybe his parents are just a bit odd or weird. HE told them he wasn't inviting them to the wedding after their appalling behaviour and they didn't respond but you think they should have? The point is that they are not nice people, his father is probably an abuser and they are not in your life and your DH wants to keep it that way. So really, just continue to support him and maintain those boundaries. There is absolutely no reason why these people might want to be in your child's life and even more so why you would let them. either of you.

And children only ask a million questions and get suspicious when the answers are unsatisfactory. My dad was NC with his dad. We were curious of course, but we had a consistent answer that he wasn't a nice man who had not treated our grandmother well and who had left when my dad was very small and made zero effort to ever see my dad again. We accepted that.

@Hoppinggreen at the moment that is correct. But the two of us know it will be coming at some point. His mum is, well I don’t even know how to say it. But at some point very soon once bambino comes she’s going to make drama. It’s an odd situation to be in. I’m from a big happy family with no drama and I’m always there to support my husband when he needs to speak. But I just don’t feel like this is something I can mention in front of him because it’s awkward for him for many reasons.
It could just be a mixture of baby nerves and everything else at the moment.

But I know my child will potentially one day ask the question of why she only has one grandma and grandad tbh I doubt that. I think that children are more likely to ask if the adults make it something.

My dad essentially grew up without a father and he said it never really occurred to him to question it, it was just something that was. The father came in and out of his life periodically, predominantly to get my nan pregnant and then to piss off again from whence he came, but he was never a fixture in my dad or his siblings’ lives.

My nan then married someone else, and although I knew he was my step grandad purely on the basis they all called him by his first name, it never occurred to me to ask why I didn’t have a biological granddad. The man was a waste of space anyway and no loss to any of us. And while as an adult I have occasionally wondered whether maybe he had more children, whether I potentially have more cousins, it’s never been more than just a thought, and my dad could care less...

I might not actually kill them off but if the DC ever ask I would just say that you all stopped talking a long time ago and that for all you know they might be dead. Which tbh if you keep not talking to them, may well happen.

And how is your MIL going to find out about the baby if you’re all NC?

Your priority now is to protect your child from this toxic mess, the rest is history. You dh is an adult, and he has dealt with some pretty appalling behaviour well.

So the two of you agree that your family stays with just the three of you. His parents are not welcome to ruin anything else. If you have family that are part of your lives, great you talk about them. If you don't - don't worry. My dc have grown up without proper gc (one set dead) the other set were not interested and live hours away. My dc are happy, well adjusted kids and its never been an issue. They won't miss what they never had, so it is simple and fine, and you surround your baby with people that love and respect you, that model good relationships that are healthy and your baby will grow up contented and happy.

Your dh may need some extra support around the birth, you can check in with him, but remember they will not change, so he has done the right thing.

@BlingLoving yes I do think it is odd behaviour. It’s more that I don’t understand how a person can just let go of their child being in their life so easily with no fight or even discussion about it and not seem to care.
It doesn’t mean I want all this to happen of course and I don’t want them in our life. But knowing they more than likely will try to come back into our life in the next year also worries me. I know it all sounds a little contradictory.

@AlternativePerspective his father has many siblings whom DH does speak with and see at family events.

[quote Fluffykittens13]@BlingLoving yes I do think it is odd behaviour. It’s more that I don’t understand how a person can just let go of their child being in their life so easily with no fight or even discussion about it and not seem to care.
It doesn’t mean I want all this to happen of course and I don’t want them in our life. But knowing they more than likely will try to come back into our life in the next year also worries me. I know it all sounds a little contradictory.[/quote]
The thing is that it IS odd behaviour, but there genuinely are people who are this toxic. It's very difficult but you cannot expect them to respond the way "normal" people behave and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be able to move on.

They will only come back into your life if you let them. Your DH has said he doesn't want them in your life. you have said you don't want them in your life. So as long as you're not fantasising about them begging forgiveness and having changed, you're all good.

I am not a fan of the whole NC thing with families. But I am absolutely a fan of NC if there is abuse involved, which clearly there has been - physical, sexual (maybe) and financial.

You are making up future scenarios in your head. Fantasising about if she does this and he does that. With absolutely no evidence that it’s likely to happen.

As a PP said, your DH is NC with his parents. Thus far they have accepted and respected that and haven’t tried to get in touch.
The End.

The only drama here, is in your mind.

You have chosen to marry & have a child with someone who has issues with their siblings, parents & wider family

You could have walked away before marriage

So you cannot really complain that you are now entangled in these wider family issues

It doesn't bode well

My DH is no contact with his arse of a father. Our DC asked once or twice why Daddy didn't have a dad and we just said he wasn't a nice person and we didn't want to be friends with him.
DC are now young adults and aren't in the least bit interested in a missing grandparent.

You are making too much of this.

@AppleJumbke321 you’re a cheerful soul, aren’t you?

OP I don’t see you as enjoying drama or whatever, you’re thinking through some ifs and buts in advance of bringing new life into a flawed world. I think that’s admirable.