Lockdown marriage problems

[tootysweety]

Has anyone else realised their marriage is over during lockdown? I’ve also realised that I’m in a shit position where I’ve spent so long on my marriage that I’ve let other things go like fun and friendships outside my marriage. Has anyone else decided to end their marriage during lockdown? Have you moved out or are you waiting?

This year has show how far apart me and my H are, we have different views in everything, our parenting styles are different and of course with the DD being home schooled by me while I work from home he has issues with everything but when asked to help he offers nothing but criticism. I dislike him as a person and I dislike myself when I’m with him,
I’ve always held back for fear of upsetting things always gone alone with things to keep the peace, natural born people pleaser here! Last year I’ve started putting my 2pennies across it’s shown how little he will come to a compromise, his thoughts are we a good team and he loves me and we should continue with our marriage, what he won’t listen to is that we’re only a good team when we play by his rules.
I was hoping to change jobs this year I need to earn more to keep my lifestyle and that of my DD but as the schools keep closing it’s not possible. He hasn’t done a 1 days homeschooling in the whole time not 1!
Have to started making plans?

@Feelingchicken99 I could have written your post exactly. The problems in our marriage started when I started to have my own opinion

I’m finding it impossible to make any plans while the lockdown exists. I need kids in school to have space to think and plan

I need the schools back ASAP to be able to look for better paid work and make plans to leave, I will not be going back to put up and shut up to keep him happy,
We are past the point no return I think, he complains that I don’t show him affection I don’t want to the thing is at the moment he is also unhappy but of course because it’s me that made a change it’s my fault we are what we are he won’t accept that he’s fought me every step of the way,
He often tells me I’m wrong to which I remind him that my feelings are not wrong.
Our house is a sad house, I try to keep things normal as I can for DD but it just feels like a pretend family.

Yes. Can relate to everything you have written @tootysweety & @Feelingchicken99.
Before lockdown I was happy just going along with it all tbh, to keep the peace and everyone happy. I have a nice comfortable life, but not necessarily a fulfilled or complete one.
A year of being lockdown with him and I've come to the realisation that even with the huge house we have, no financial worries and fab holidays - I do not want to stay. I can no longer bear for him to even touch me.
I dream of my own house, my own bedroom decorated how I want it to. My Jo Malone candles on in the living room, no mess to step over, no one to ask where I am going every time I pop out of the house, the house as I choose it to be. No having to compromise on anything.
I don't know how or if I will manage to separate. I feel terrible as we have kids still at home and I would be asking them to leave their home. Neither can afford to buy the other one out, I don't want to sell the house until the kids are old enough, I would need to move out and rent and buy everything from new again. He wouldn't move out. He couldn't afford to give me child maintenance if he was still in the house paying the mortgage alone. Its all a total mess which I have no idea how it will all end.
The only short term solution I can think of is that I move out to rent. He stays in the house to pay the mortgage alone. The kids come with me and they still have their bedrooms at the house with their dad and can live between both houses. The issue of that is that I am still liable for bills, mortgage etc and if he defaults it will also affect my credit rating.

@Bloggerbloggerblog I cringe even when he put his hand in my waist to walk past in the kitchen, it’s ridiculous our kitchen is massive no need for him to be close to me there is no affection from my side hasn’t been all year,
The financial side mirrors your own, I’d be happy with 50/50 I know he can’t do it with his job etc and I honestly wouldn’t care if he paid CM, just to be in my own home feeling like I can breath and be myself,
It will happen one day I hope

Hi, this absolutely resonates with me. We are meant to be embarking on a huge extension to the house which I have wanted for 10+ years but due to DH’s continued procrastination, still continues to sort of bubble along, not quite happening.
I’ve realised that although we share a love of music and gigs, actually we don’t like the same things. I feel empty towards him as he has not ever really shared my lust for life and energy and has a habit of belittling the things I like doing that give me pleasure. He has never really accepted having my friends over, despite me loving to socialise. I have a particular hobby which involves a lot of people and activity which he has always tolerated to a degree but not being able to do in lockdown has zapped my energy levels.
He hasn’t pulled his weight during lockdown. Has made the beds once. I have organised every fun thing to keep the kids going, including every takeaway (doesn’t sound like a big deal, but just once would be thoughtful), every meal, every bit of home admin.
I have been reflecting on a few incidents in our marriage that have involved his temper, which occasionally flares up, despite him being Mr Nice Guy. And an awful incident on holiday where he was so unbelievably selfish, I cannot get past.
I am reflecting on what does he actually bring to the table. I’m sad I have put up with it for so long, papering over the cracks because my kids and hobby took me away from him. I know he will be devastated when I tell him, if I can summon up the guts to do it.
I cannot imagine years and years of retirement with someone who is so inert.

@Bloggerbloggerblog YY to dreaming of my own space...

I moved out last summer (slightly different situation as only one DC still at home who was off to uni in the autumn), and almost instantly I was so much happier. It had all been really rubbish for a long time (no sex for approx 15 years for eg) and it was only when H instigated couples counselling that I suddenly realised that I couldn't do another 30 years being miserable, stressed and depressed, and so I moved three hours way to a city I didn't know. Which was quite a spur of the moment decision, but most definitely the right one for me.

And having spent the past six months thinking through everything, I've come to the conclusion that H was emotionally abusive, but not deliberately (which in some ways makes it worse maybe?) and that I spent so much time walking on eggshells around him, and always thinking of what his opinion on something would be, as if he didn't agree, he'd withdraw emotionally from me (we never really talked things through, and I always avoided the "difficult" conversations as if we had split up when the DC were younger, as a SAHM who'd never really worked, I would have been in a very difficult position, trying to live in a really expensive part of the country, bringing up three DC by myself).

I'm now being framed as the bad guy who refused to put any effort into saving/working on the marriage (as I bailed out after two sessions with the counsellor), but he refuses to accept that I'd been unhappy for years and years which he'd ignored. One DC is pretending it never happened, two DC are happy for me, my family are happy for me, some of his are OK with me, some think I'm mad.

But, when a friend said in the autumn "fuck me, you look 20 years younger!", it spurred me on to do something about my weight and my fitness (and my education), and miraculously I'm no longer stressed depressed and lacking in self confidence/belief.

At the same time though, we run a business together, and that gives me a flexibility with work that I wouldn't get anywhere else (I'm going back to uni via a college course, and need a job which will fit round that, but will also pay me the salary level I need), so I'm having to not rock the boat too much about whether this separation leads to divorce or not, as splitting the business is complicated by the legal percentage of the business I own vs the moral percentage I'm entitled to (because I did all the DC/house stuff, H was able to work as much as he needed to in order to get the business to the level it's currently at, so there's a difficult conversation to have there).

@MyVisionsComeFromSoup wow you did it that’s amazing. Are you lots happier? Do your kids come visit you? Have you made new friends where you live? I wish I had your courage!

Chicci - yes, loads happier; DC3 is currently living with me due to uni halls being closed; one DC has been to visit for a weekend in the summer, but lockdown/tier 4 restrictions meant that other visits couldn't happen; I've made some friends, but not many (see lockdown/tiers above), but I've been pretty happy getting to know myself again - without the general background "noise" of family life, I've had time to do that, and work out who I am and what I like a lot more.

I wasn't sure at the time if I was being brave or just stupid, but it was most definitely the right decision for me. I'm moving again in the summer (again to a place I've only visited once, and I can't even remember what it was like), but I've been promised an introduction to a friend of a friend who's involved in an activity I want to restart, and there's a group I should be able to slot into, plus I can always hang out with the kids at college .

Having my own space (albeit rented) is just amazing, not having to factor someone else's food preferences into any meal planning (and not having to do meal planning, I can go to the supermarket and buy whatever I fancy and eat it whenever I want to), the shower temperature control stays at the right temperature, and no-one else's dirty washing lying around on the bedroom floor!

I wish I'd done something about it sooner, but I wasn't in the right headspace to even try and think about what was wrong, I really do empathise with everyone on this thread who's struggling with DC at home all the time (and an H also WFH as well), there's just no "you time" at all.

@MyVisionsComeFromSoup that’s brilliant to hear. It’s hard to be brave in current times. Lockdown makes everything so much more intense. I wish I’d never got married to be honest. I had a brilliant life before I met him. I’m annoyed at myself for getting myself in this position

@MyVisionsComeFromSoup I want to be you, just up a go start totally new be my person not a person that fit everyone else in my normal home life, @Chiccieo I wish I’d never got married I love my DD but she was never in my life plan, I have to work harder at being a mum than anyone else I know to them it seems natural I have no idea how my friends with 4 kids cope.
@tootysweety hope you have a good week with home schooling

I left my XH in 2016. Spent 18 months with DD (then 12) living with my parents, went from a very flexible part-time job to a totally inflexible full-time one, got divorced, waited for the family home to be sold and DD and I eventually moved into my own place in March 2018.

I have thanked my lucky stars every day of lockdown that I left him when I did.

It's not easy but my God has it been worth it!

I feel as if I'm being squashed from all sides. There aren't enough hours in the day to fit in coming to work, (which is where I'm trying to sort doctors appointments, bank stuff, getting the boiler serviced, and do my work at the same time) going home to so school stuff, spending time to play with the kids, housework, cooking, and looking after family members who need me for things. All of this while dh lies on the sofa oblivious to everything. He works from home, and does long hours, but that's all there is on his mind. Not thinking ahead to organise clothes for the kids to put on when they get up, planning washing loads, remembering who needs what for school work, making sure tablets are charged, bringing home plain paper from work, just stuff like that.
How, HOW, do you fit a life changing decision, with all the practicalities, emotional fallout, logisitics, on top of all that???! I'm tired, run down, and sad.
Added to this, I've hit a brick wall with trying to get advice from solicitors. Some are full to capacity, some are just not returning my calls, I want to know where I stand before I do anything, but I feel more stuck than ever. I suppose I just have to wait it out. But I'm 44 and feel like time is racing by. Good luck all xx