He’s 6 years younger - age gap problem?

[ThatchersCold]

I unexpectedly met the most amazing man 5 months ago. It was only ever going to be a short lived fling but his time working in my town came to end after spending a month or so seeing each other a lot, and the thought of never seeing each other again was heartbreaking for both of us, so we decided to give things a go. This was surprising for me as I’ve never had a relationship with someone younger than me, I’m 39 and he’s 33. Also surprising for him as he’s literally never had a relationship before because of the nature of his work which means he’s moving around all over the country/Europe every few weeks or months.

Against the odds, we’ve made it work, and I’ve really fallen for him. Since he left 4 months ago he’s been back to see me twice for a good few days at a time, I’ve travelled abroad to see him for two long weekends when he was working away, and been to see him where he lives (5 hours away) for a weekend. He’s really generous when we’re together, and we’re in constant contact when we’re not, he is always really thoughtful and lovely and he’s so funny.

The age difference I know isn’t huge, but as I said he’s never had a gf and therefore doesn’t have DC yet. I have two who are 16 and 10. He hasn’t met them yet. I spoke to him about whether he wanted kids and he said “not really, I mean if it happens then it happens but they seem like hard work”. I guess this is on the basis of him being the youngest of 15 children and therefore having dozens of nieces and nephews. He’s a very honest person and I take his response at face value but at the same time IME people who don’t want DC are VERY clear that they don’t, and he’s not like that.

That makes me feel bad that if he’s with me he’s not going to get that opportunity. By the time we’d be together long enough for that to be something that might happen, I’d probably be too old to conceive. And also I am more than happy with the two I have and don’t have any personal desire to start again. That said, if things were still just as amazing with us in the future it’s something I’d actually consider which I never thought I’d say, but time really wouldn’t be on our side. I think he’d be a lovely dad, and you can tell he loves kids by the way he talks about his family, and I think it would be a shame for him not to have a child himself.

I guess what I’m worried about is us floating along for a few years and then him realising that’s something he wants, and then that would be if for us as I’d be too old.

I also know it seems bonkers to be worried about this at this stage of our relationship, but it does play on my mind a bit. Mostly though I’m just enjoying spending time with him when we can and taking things day by day. The younger man thing is a new experience for me and I’ve never had to think about these pitfalls before! Is it doomed or should I just enjoy it for what it is and see what happens?

I think the distance might become a problem more than anything, if you want to get serious then it causes a major barrier, his way of life is not for someone that wants to settle down hence why he's never been in a serious relationship.
The children thing might be a risk but would you want them with him when he's hardly home anyway?

We’ve talked about that too, he’s done the work he does now for over 10 years and he doesn’t want to do it much longer, he said maybe another year or two. His house is 5 hours away but he is hardly ever there as his work can literally be anywhere, sometimes he’s closer, sometimes he’s even further away. He earns good money but the pay off is he doesn’t really get to have a life.

And also he regularly takes a month or two off work so we can spend a lot more time together then.

I think you have to trust that he knows himself and what he wants better than you do after a matter of weeks. He’s probably spent a lot of his adult life assuming (like, I suspect, the majority of men) that eventually he’d possibly end up with a couple of kids because it’s what most women seem to want and men generally just go along with it, but is being honest that he’s not actually particularly fussed and wouldn’t actively try to seek parenthood out.

It isn’t a shame for somebody not to have a child, however good they are with other people’s kids. It’s easy to be good with other people’s kids purely because you have the sweet relief of knowing you can shove the little cunts back to their parents at the end of it.

And all relationships really are carried forward on a lot of “what ifs”, so I don’t think worrying about what if he decides he does want a child is a reason to break things off now. What if he decides he wants to leave and travel the world in a couple of years time? What if he finds God and wants to follow his calling into ministry? What if he falls in love with somebody else? All relationships are just about staying together for as long as you meet each other’s needs and make each other happy, you can’t live life preempting everything.

@ComtesseDeSpair that’s sage advice, thank you. You’re right, any number of things could happen. At the moment I can’t imagine him not being in my life and the feeling is mutual, so I guess we just go with it as long as that feeling lasts and see where we end up.

Simple answer is that, at 39 and 33, then the age gap per se isn't an issue at all, IMO.

However, as a parent of 16 yrs standing, your life, and experience and commitments are so very different from his, I think that might be a barrier.

@ComtesseDeSpair

I think you have to trust that he knows himself and what he wants better than you do after a matter of weeks. He’s probably spent a lot of his adult life assuming (like, I suspect, the majority of men) that eventually he’d possibly end up with a couple of kids because it’s what most women seem to want and men generally just go along with it, but is being honest that he’s not actually particularly fussed and wouldn’t actively try to seek parenthood out.

It isn’t a shame for somebody not to have a child, however good they are with other people’s kids. It’s easy to be good with other people’s kids purely because you have the sweet relief of knowing you can shove the little cunts back to their parents at the end of it.

And all relationships really are carried forward on a lot of “what ifs”, so I don’t think worrying about what if he decides he does want a child is a reason to break things off now. What if he decides he wants to leave and travel the world in a couple of years time? What if he finds God and wants to follow his calling into ministry? What if he falls in love with somebody else? All relationships are just about staying together for as long as you meet each other’s needs and make each other happy, you can’t live life preempting everything.

Amazing post, came on to say similar but I couldn't say it better than this.

It sounds good that he isn't meeting your kids. To me a 33 year old man who's never had a relationship before rings lots of alarm bells, no matter how much he travels, and saying "they seem like hard work" about your DCs doesn't sound like he's that keen to be a big part of your life in future, yet you're worrying about whether he'd want you to have his baby... Are you really on the same page?

If he's never even had a relationship yet at his ripe old age, I'd be a bit wary about it lasting. Whether this has any legs, would have more to do with his future career plans, if he doesn't see his work travel changing in the future, I'd think the distance would make it hard to maintain, as you are clearly going to be rooted to where you are for the next 8 years or so until your youngest is 18 at least.
Its all shiny and new now, but after a while, be prepared for it to possibly wilt. He's never attempted a long distance thing before, so I'd guess he has had quite a few short term situations and is used to rolling that way, so he's never had to try and be faithful while away. He may well manage it, but he's young, so I kinda doubt it somehow. See how it goes, is all you can do, you obviously trust him, so trust what he says about not wanting kids. Somehow, I think I'd be less closed off to nearer opportunity, not looking as such, but not knocking it back if someone nearer moves into your sphere, even a moderate distance can take its toll with time when tied to a place with children. You've got a long way to go before you have to worry about him wanting kids, he's not even met yours yet, he might be awful with them.

He wasn’t talking about my DC seeming hard work, he was just talking about kids in general! Although he’s never met them he takes an interest in them and what they’re up to, if I mention one of them is doing something on a certain day he always remembers and asks how it went on the correct day for example. And he’s very understanding that they obviously come first when it comes to us being able to see each other. He doesn’t say stuff he doesn’t mean, it’s been a gradual build up to where we are now, which is basically us being in an exclusive relationship, it was all a bit vague before that, although neither of us have slept with anyone else. He’s very measured and mature emotionally, he’s gradually got soppier as his feelings have grown, which makes me believe he really means what he says.

But yes it’s unchartered territory for him and I’m aware that he could decide it’s not for him.

@Opentooffers we have also had that conversation recently. To begin with he said himself he’s never been in a relationship so had never had to turn down offers, so whilst he wasn’t going to go out looking for it he didn’t know what would happen if he was drunk and the opportunity presented itself. He revised that the last time I saw him though and said that he definitely didn’t want to be with anyone else. I just said - ok, well this is all new for you and if it turns out something does happen with someone else then please be honest with me about it, and he said he would be. I believe that he would tell me if something did happen, and there’s limited opportunities for that to happen, he works 12 hour days and is in bed by 9pm every night

Once you're in your 30s, I don't think an age gap matters really, unless it's extreme.

I'd be far more wary about him never having had a relationship, his comments about children and the distance tbh.

Not really understanding the title.

6!years is nothing
for goodness sake

Unless you believe women should all marry grizzly old men ...

Yeah age gap was probably the wrong wording, I’m never at all conscious that he’s younger than me, it’s a non issue. I suppose different life stages is more what I’m getting at, and whether that could pose a problem.

if you were in 20's the 6 year age gap wouldnt be such a problem. because you would be able to conceive.
i wouldnt trust he wont want a child.

I met my now DH when he was 23 and l 29, we’ve been married 24 years, have 4 children and age has never been a factor.
I would not worry about the age gap but more about his job, working around the country, and the long hours. It does seem strange a 33 year old male has never had a relationship, plus the comments about children, that would concern me more.

Not having had a proper relationship until your 30s is not a red flag FGS. Absolute tonnes of decent men and women are perennially single in their 20s. I was, and I didn't even have the excuse of a job with lots of travel.

OP I think you're pre-empting a problem that isn't there and may never be. He's defaulting to "no" in terms of wanting kids himself and there's no reason to disbelieve him. With all those nieces and nephews he'll have ample opportunity to be a nurturing figure in kids' lives. I don't think it'd be "a shame" for him not to be a father - you should stop feeling guilty about this when he doesn't feel it himself!

Wise words from @ComtesseDeSpair on what-ifs.

“And all relationships really are carried forward on a lot of “what ifs”, so I don’t think worrying about what if he decides he does want a child is a reason to break things off now. What if he decides he wants to leave and travel the world in a couple of years time? What if he finds God and wants to follow his calling into ministry? What if he falls in love with somebody else? All relationships are just about staying together for as long as you meet each other’s needs and make each other happy, you can’t live life preempting everything.”

@ComtesseDeSpair has nailed it.

Me and DP have a 5 year age gap and, similarly to you, I’ve been married and I have DS (7). DP did have a serious relationship in his early 20s but since then, he’d really been working hard and partying I guess - lots of lads holidays, big nights out, lots of sexual partners.

When we met I was convinced it couldn’t work. I was so wrong. He is so romantic, supportive and caring. He is the most thoughtful man I’ve ever met.I was nervous about him and DS meeting, despite not having children, and being very clear that he never wants children, he and DS get on really well and have a great bond. He is a very dedicated and loving step parent and he is so invested in DS’s happiness. We are engaged and every day he makes me smile. I cannot wait to be married to him. I asked him once if he was happy, if he missed the partying etc, he said no way - he’d been doing that to pass the time until we came along. I know it’s soppy and I’m sure some are rolling their eyes ! Just give it a go op!

@ThatchersCold If he's coming out with that statement at age 33 about kids then it sounds like he wouldn't be father material so I wouldn't worry about him "missing out". It of course doesn't rule out the possibility he could change his mind later.

The age difference is actual a bit of a red herring - its the different lives that you both live that's the real problem.You're not going to know whether the relationship will work until he meets your kids and sees how dynamics are like in a family, and importantly see the "mum" side of you and how that impacts your priorities. That's complete WORLD away from what you currently have with him. Right now he only has a very incomplete reality of who you actually are because you've only shown him the fun, no kids, no strings part of you and that's the bit he's fallen for, not the rest of you. But it's not the reality at all when you have a family at home and roots in one place.

If he's chosen a travelling, living a free bachelor lifestyle with no roots anywhere then how would he feel settled in one place with someone with family responsibilities for kids that aren't even his and having to share your attention?? He sounds impulsive so will probably jump into at first so he can live with you but he'll run a mile once the reality kicks in. Make sure you guard your heart because it ultimately doesn't sound like this will work out.

*you're not going to know

It sounds like you really like this guy - try not to spoil it by worrying about what ifs. We live in challenging times - anything COULD happen. I say if you have the chance of some happiness right here right now, seize it with both hands!

It's not the age, it's the fact that you're in such different life stages. But you've only been seeing each other for 5 months. Enjoy it and see where it leads.

@OfTheNight thank you, that’s reassuring!

@MixMatch yes I’m aware that he has only seen part of my life, and that there’s another two people (my DC) who need to be factored in if this is going to work long term. However I think it’s nice that he has never assumed that he’s going to come and stay at my house, when he comes to see me he books a hotel nearby and understands that I can only see him around doing what I need to do with the kids. I think it is getting to the point where I’d like to introduce them to him but it will be a gradual thing rather than him turning up one day and staying at my house for a week.

But I’d argue he’s the opposite of impulsive, he’s really considerate and thinks things through, and doesn’t make promises he can’t keep. He’s done the job he does for 10 years, not because he was lusting after that kind of lifestyle but because it’s the same work that several of his older siblings ended up doing, it was a way out of the rural place they grew up with no opportunities, and it pays very well considering he is not educated or qualified. The pay off is that he’s never been able to put down roots, make friends other than his workmates, have relationships etc, and it’s long days and very hard work. He said it does get lonely and he doesn’t want to do it much longer.

@Lovelydiscusfish I really do, he melts my heart. He’s completely different to anyone I’ve ever been with before and that’s a very positive thing! The fact that he’s never had a relationship before and has zero baggage adds a kind of wholesome innocence to it that is really refreshing. And although it can be weeks between us seeing each other, being able to look forward to seeing him and having funny chats with him every day has definitely made the current shit world situation a million times more bearable.