anyone else feel that having a baby killed their relationship? Can you get the love back? sorry, long!

[dandycandyjellybean]

(may have to post this in a couple of sections - computer playing up!) Dh and I were married for 17 years before ds arrived, and although, like everyone we had normal ups and downs, we definitely had a really special, strong relationship. We seemed to have an instinctive bond almost from the first (met him when I was 13, married at 18), and everyone always commented on how strong our love was, and we concurred.
Dh having an accident 3 years into our marriage had a big effect, he is now disabled and I am his main carer. However, we worked around these difficulties, and in lots of ways it brought us closer together.
We have the most fantastic ds whom we both love to the moon and back again, and yet somehow this has changed the dynamic in our relationship, and we just seem to either be stalking around one another like angry cats all the time, or we just spend as much time apart as possible - difficult when we are both home all the time, but we manage it!

The birth was traumatic, 3 days of labour ended in an emergency c/s and it took me more than 7 months to bond with ds; until that time I felt that i had just made a huge mistake and wanted it to go back to being just us. During those months I struggled very, very much and ended up on ads for pnd, although I am coping so much better now. But somehow i just feel empty and unloved; my dh says that he has backed off because since ds was born I am very snappy and a perfectionist who expects too much of myself and others (though not ds thankfully) and I can't disagree with him. But I feel so utterly spent and empty at how hard I work for the family (basically I do everything, dh has enough to cope with just dealing with his pain levels etc), and so desperately want him to express his appreciation, reassure me lots that I am a good mum and wife, person etc. Because he doesn't do this very often / as much as I feel i want/need him to, I am constantly disappointed and feel let down and angry. Which just alienates him more - vicious circle. I know that I should just be 'Pollyanna' and be 'glad' for the things he does say/do, but somehow this empty, spent feeling just won't go away and I just don't feel that I have anything left to give. Feel desperate to be spoiled a bit, to have someone looking after me for a change. Ds just went to my sisters for three days so that we could have some time together and celebrate our 19th wedding anniversary. Apart from a few hours on one of the days, it was pretty dismal. I feel so, so sad.
How can I get the love back?

YOu are in a particularly difficult situation because of your DP's disability: you have been his carer for some time before having DS and now understandably you have to prioritise caring for DS so DP's nose is a bit out of joing.

WHat you really, really need is some time to indulge and enjoy yourself, doing stuff that only benefits you and isn't to please DP or care for DS. Is your DP capable of looking after your DS for, say, an afternoon or evening per week while you go out? If both of them need care, are you getting all the assistance you're entitled to ie a home help of some kind? Failing that, canyou get a relative or paid nurse to do an afternoon\evening per week to give you free time?

You canot live your whole life servicing other people and remain in good mental health, even if those other people are your family. you are a person whose needs and feelings matter as well and you need some part of your life whish is wholly for your own benefit.

hugs for you cubby, it sounds like a very difficult situation, and if you are sole carer for both your DS and DH the strain must be enormous.

Have you spoken to DH about how you feel?

your feelings sound perfectly normal to me, and although i have no experience directly, my situation is sort of reversed in that i know my depression affects how i act towards my dh and that it gets him down sometimes.

is it possible that your pnd is still there? are you still on ad's? and if not do you think they would help?

i would suggest talking to your gp about how you feel.

sorry i can't say anything more useful

Am on ad's, and i know that when i get tired i get negative which can quickly spiral into depression, so try and look after myself. Ds goes to the creche at the local leisure centre 4 mornings a week which he loves, and this gives me time to clean/cook/organise bills/shop etc. Do try to have one morning where I just catch up on watching a film or something, and my mil and sil are both brill at having him while I exercise (do 3 circuit training classes a week - have to it's what keeps me sane!). So from that point of view I know I am very lucky. I just can't get to grips with what's happened to us. Have tried and tried and tried to get dh to talk rather than just being distant and shutting down, and it was only after a massive row while ds was away and me suggesting divorce that dh finally came out with his comment about me being a perfectionist. Now just feel totally crushed that all our probs are my fault, and yet again there is something else that I've got to work on - know it would help but as I say I just don't feel like I've got anything else to give; just keep coming back to the 'feeling empty/spent' thing.

Sorry, meant to say thanks for your posts madamez and iamdaisay, and the hugs - nearly crying!!!

cubby i know how you feel, the whole feeling spent/empty thing is how i feel most days.

dd is 4.5 months and i love her to bits, and i love dh, he is a fab father but i don't have any energy left for him at the end of the day. i'm not affectionate towards him, i'm snappy and impatient and some days just want my old life back. dh says he 'gets nothing' from me, which is probably true. i feel i have nothing left to give as having a baby is sapping me emotionally and physically.

you sound like you have a whole lot more to deal with than me so i shouldn't complain, but i jusy wanted to reassure you you are not alone, and i wish i had some advice on how to make it better.

cubby, does your dh do any activities outside of the house, independantly of you as well? something for him, and not just when he is being looked after by his family?

how is your DHs mental health after his accident, especially if he is dealing with chronic pain? Men are notoriously bad at talking about their feelings; it takes me having a major meltdown to get anything back from my DH. if your dh's self esteem is low, this will understandably affect how you both react to each other.

Can you talk to your mil or sil about how you feel? perhaps they can get your dh to open up a bit more.

I've got to go out now, but will check back later.

sorry if this is a bit garbled.....cranky dd yelling in my ear!

Blimey cubby! I feel like you do sometimes and my DH isn't disabled. Poor you.

I don't think you can get the love back TBH. It is still there just well hidden . Recently I had a particularly bad time at work and was on the verge of handing in my notice (not a good idea at all financially). I had a couple of very weepy days at home and DH was great - very supportive. It has made a big difference to me. He is aware that I do the lion's share around the house due to his long hours and still earn more than he does. Have you ever actually told your DH how you feel - I appreciate that he is suffering and needs your support but you also need his. And without something changing he may lose you permanently. He must be made to appreciate you - it's no good you doing it all and him taking you for granted because that way breeds resentment and kills communication and love. And when you've had this talk, and it must be totally honest and open, keep the channels open. Give hugs, talk about stuff, tell him that you love him.....just keep things going. It's sooooo easy (don't I know it) for a wall to get built simply because you don't do these things. DH and I are not madly in love but we do care a great deal and that is worth keeping hold of.

I also agree with the others that you need something for yourself. Even just an hour once or twice a week. I run 3 times a week. I also just take off for a long walk at the weekends sometimes. No direction in mind, no purpose, just a long wander - and it helps.

But to answer your original question I don't think a baby kills a relationship but it does change it fundamentally. I know that no#3 for us was a real watershed. We were fine - more than fine - up to that point. Since he was born, even though DS#2 is very well-loved, our lives have undergone such a change and it's a struggle sometimes.

Babies are so all-consuming, I felt the same way , and if it's any help I have found that now DS is a toddler, then family time is a lot more fun and close because we are all interacting with one another.

It sounds like you're burning the candle at both ends, and of course don't have anything left over to give. Do you have family around to take the pressure off a little bit? You need Rest and relaxation, and time to feel like yourself, not a mum, a wife etc

((((hugs))))

I have told dh how I feel, repeatedly, when feeling calm and reasonable, and have fairly begged him to be more emotionally supportive etc. I had a conversation with him using almost the exact expressions you used ormirian, just before ds went away, even to the point of saying that I felt that something had to give, that I couldn't carry on how things were. And it did seem to be me that sabotaged some of our time together while he was away, but after having had such a serious, heartfelt discussion, dh seemed to feel that if he bought me a couple of cookbooks I have been wanting and was prepared to do 'whatever you fancy doing' that was all he had to do. Part of my problem is that he is so passive...he will take part in family stuff, holidays, trips out, visiting his family even, if i suggest it, organise it, plan it, get everything ready etc, but will never ever be proactive himself. I suppose this very rare and precious time that we had just the two of us, I wanted to be swept off my feet a bit, for him to plan something nice - which would have indicated thought and desire to please on his behalf iyswim. I'm not talking anything major, a picnic in the park or whatever, just something that would have shown me that he had put some thought and planning in, and that he actually wanted to do something with me, rather than just go along with whatever i suggest, plan, organise. I suppose in a way i want some attention (God that sounds so childish!), i feel like I want him to woo me a bit, after taking me forgranted for so long. Does any of that make any sense at all? I know I'm probably being really stupid, I just can't get over needing this so badly right now.

Hi Cubby
I think many of us can relate to that feeling of frustration with always having to be in charge. For me it was around housework, DH was always offering to 'help' (like its not his mess too!) and saying 'just tell me what to do', which used to drive me insane. I don't want to have to be the housework supervisor giving him lists of tasks I want him to notice things that need doing and do them.
Its still not perfect but what helped for us was dividing up tasks and talking through in detail what that meant. Would your DH respond if you said something like 'I'd really like you to organise for us to go out somewhere next week/month/weekend. I don't want to have to decide where to go or what to do, but I'd really love it if you could surprise me'.
As for getting the love back, I think everyone goes through a stage where they hate their partner and think its all gone horribly wrong. It's quite normal! That doesn't mean it doesn't take work to get back on track, but I think things can actually go on to get better, so long as you both accept they are always going to be different.
good luck!

cubby, just wanted to check how things are with you today?

I'm off out to baby clinic, but I'll check back later. I hope things are looking a bit more positive today

Being cautious here, but maybe the 'big serious convo' following massive row has taken a few days to take effect. After a couple of days of just following me around and asking me 'are you okay sweetie' all the time (ahhhh!) he has really started to step up to the plate. He has offered to make me drinks/snacks several times, has taken charge of ds quite a few times when he can see that i'm struggling to do 3 things at once (without being asked may i add) and even made me waffles and coffee for my breakfast this morning! And wow am I beginning to feel differently about him! Want not to get too chuffed though in case it doesn't last, but I have commented positively at every opportunity, in the hopes that this reinforces the behaviour (sounds a bit like training a toddler!) If he does keep it up i really think it will make all the difference. Thanks for all you input guys, there are quite a few things i will try. Will let you know in a little while if things improve. Here's hoping

I'm glad things are a bit brighter cubby, and LOL at the toddler training. men can be a bit dense sometimes and need telling how it is. You've obviousy scared him into action!

I'm still holding out for my DS organising a night out for us. He started a new job in february and is away all week and is only home two or three nights, during which he just wants to chill out on his sofa and sleep in his own bed. After four or five days on my own with a five year old and 5 month old I would like a night out once in a while, and in spite of telling him that on several occasions, I know that unless I sort it out myself it'll never happen. I can live in hope though

Keep us posted and enjoy being pampered!

hey cubby....just wanted to check in and make sure that you are OK

Toddler training techniques work in most situations I find!