Grandma dying. Family at war. Any Advice?

[SirChing]

Hi, my DGM is in hospital and is now on the end of life pathway. We haven't been able to see her, but visits should be starting tomorrow, with two allowed to see her she in each 24 hours.

DGM has four children including my DM. Two of the four loathe DM and her DB. They are barely civil, have left them out of all decision making (despite DM and her DB being eldest), and are not very nice people at all.

I have NC with the not so nice two, largely because of their appalling behaviour and attitude, which my exDH and I didn't want around our daughter (emotional blackmail, bullying, manipulation, shouting etc).

Has anyone any advice on how I can support my DM. She is devastated to be losing her DM (as am I as I was very close to my DGM), and she knows she will continue to be excluded, along with her DB, when it comes to funeral arrangements etc. She will be invited, but not given the courtesy of any input.

Has anyone been through similar and/or have any advice how to support DM through this difficult time and with such fraught family dynamics?

Just bumping hopefully!

Do you know who is executor of your gran's Will as they will have a lot of say in arrangements?

Yes, she was pushed by her two youngest (the not nice ones) to have them as executers. She agreed to pretty much anything they suggested because she was just so scared of them, bless her.

Sorry to say I've been through exactly this and been in your position right down to being NC with my mum's siblings.

With us there was one "weak link" that swallowed my pride with, engaged with and tolerated who liaised with the others Re visiting as they refused to be there when my mum was there. In our case, they were / are such odious individuals that when it came down to it they couldn't really be bothered to visit much (both when she was well and on her death bed) but I still had to hold my tongue and to a degree acted as my mum's representative to a degree as she needed shielding from their nastiness.

Re the funeral. Mum was excluded. In fact she was even given the wrong time for the funeral so DO call the funeral directors direct to double check details.

Re the estate. my mum applied for probate (my grandma had asked her to do this). This created a shitstorm and we had to instruct solicitors (I would recommend this) they accused my parents of all of theft / hiding assets which is ironic given the opposite was demonstrably true and once the process was complete they admitted to having not mentioned substantial amounts of cash they had taken (nit given) from my grandmothers house for "safekeeping" before she died .

All I can say is as far as you can try to help be a buffer for the vitriol that may be directed at her. It's hard enough without the added venom.

I wish you well and sorry you're going through this.

Sorry on my iPhone and really poorly punctuated!

Could you approach the hospital and speak to a welfare/liaison officer? Explain the problem and get assistance to set up a visiting programme. Is this possible?

@okokok000 Thank you so so much. That's really helpful. I will check re the funeral times etc. My grandma has practically no assets so my mum isn't bothered about that. She never has been. We fully expect the two less than nice kids to basically be like vultures. But as I said to my mum, she has her memories and the knowledge that my grandma was never scared of her. And that's more important than any object.

@TacCat49 Thank you for that suggestion. A visiting programme has been set up, it's mostly the funeral aspect I am concerned about.

@SirChing

Yes, she was pushed by her two youngest (the not nice ones) to have them as executers. She agreed to pretty much anything they suggested because she was just so scared of them, bless her.

@SirChing I’m sorry to hear about your grandmother and the atrocious way your two other family members are acting. Have they always been like this or this a recent change of behaviour? Why was your grandmother so scared of them? What is more, are you certain that your grandmother has no assets etc.? Why else would these two want to be the executors of the will? Just be careful that they’re not hiding anything from you, or your mum or your uncle.

@ExitChasedByABear Hi. They have always been convinced of their superiority and are quite arrogant. If someone doesn't do as they say, they threaten to ostracize them from the family - largely why I am NC. I wasn't willing to have my DD make attachments to people who would cut her off for any slight infringement of their "rules".

My DGM was scared of them because after my DGD died, they would threaten to have her out in a care home if she stood up for herself. As my DGM lived in a granny flat attached to one of their houses, she felt she had better "keep them sweet". They already cut her off once after my DGD died because they found her existence too painful a reminder of my DGD. So they ignored my DGM as much as possible. My DM and I offered to have her come and live with one of us, but DGM didn't want to move from where she had lived with DGD.

I am sure there are no assets because the sale of their previous bungalow paid for the granny flat extension on my aunt's house. At that time, the four kids were amiable and decided they were happy for my aunt to profit from her increased house value, because she had taken on the role of caring for my DGM and DGD.

Sadly, when DGD died, they acted as if DGM was a burden and made her feel so unwanted. They are executors of the will because they are control freaks and bullies, and DGM always wanted to keep them sweet so she wasn't put in a home. They are just really not nice people.

Thanks for the advice.

Hi @SirChing god your situation right down to your grandmother being scared is so similar. My grandmothers estate wasn't large by any stretch of the imagination - modest savings.

My grandmother simply realised she left things too late and didn't want the others who had intimidated and bullied her for years (tricked her into signing home over and then sold it from underneath her this forcing her into rented accommodation - I could go on sadly) to have the last laugh so to speak which is the only reason my mum put up a fight for things to literally be split evenly. My mum viewed it as honouring her last wishes as it was the last thing she was able to do for her.

Like you said, memories and experiences are priceless as is the fact that my grandma knew we (mum, me our family) adored her. Hold onto that and let you grandma know even if you're not sure she can hear you.

It's a horrible thing to happen and it's going to get worse before it gets better, but remember at the end of the day you'll be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you did your best. The others will have to live with what they do and in my case what they did.

Best wishes.

I think the only thing your mum can do is to accept whatever the funeral arrangements are and try not to let them upset her. Don;t get into arguements, keep her dignity. Go to the funeral, whatever and whenever it is and leave. Don't let it become an issue because in the grand scheme of things a funeral doesn't matter. Her siblings will be restricted on what they can do anyway because of current restrictions.

She shouldn't have to see her siblings now at the bedside, they won't have 4 visitors ar a time.

She doesn't have to see them after the funeral. She could send them a message offering any help with arrangements if they wish. Don't chase it, leave the ball in their court. At least they can't accuse her down the line of not helping.

For your DM's sake, I'd advise her not to fight for much input into the funeral arrangements. (as long as she isn't being prevented from seeing her mum now of course).

Instead, could you support her and her DB to organise a memorial of some kind themselves?

[quote SirChing]@ExitChasedByABear Hi. They have always been convinced of their superiority and are quite arrogant. If someone doesn't do as they say, they threaten to ostracize them from the family - largely why I am NC. I wasn't willing to have my DD make attachments to people who would cut her off for any slight infringement of their "rules".

My DGM was scared of them because after my DGD died, they would threaten to have her out in a care home if she stood up for herself. As my DGM lived in a granny flat attached to one of their houses, she felt she had better "keep them sweet". They already cut her off once after my DGD died because they found her existence too painful a reminder of my DGD. So they ignored my DGM as much as possible. My DM and I offered to have her come and live with one of us, but DGM didn't want to move from where she had lived with DGD.

I am sure there are no assets because the sale of their previous bungalow paid for the granny flat extension on my aunt's house. At that time, the four kids were amiable and decided they were happy for my aunt to profit from her increased house value, because she had taken on the role of caring for my DGM and DGD.

Sadly, when DGD died, they acted as if DGM was a burden and made her feel so unwanted. They are executors of the will because they are control freaks and bullies, and DGM always wanted to keep them sweet so she wasn't put in a home. They are just really not nice people.

Thanks for the advice.[/quote]
@SirChing I’m sorry to hear that, I can’t believe there are people out there who are so callous. Nobody should live in fear. I’m so sorry, I didn’t understand why someone would be so scared but now I do How people can threaten vulnerable people without a shred of guilt, is beyond me. Surely they have some sort of empathy?

I’m not surprised that you’ve gone no contact, I hope your mother and uncle were about to keep some keepsakes or at least photos as mementos. I hope your grandmother can get some peace away from those vultures and your mother and uncle will know that at least they were there as a ray of sunshine.

Thank you so much for the replies and good advice.

@okokok000 In am so sad that you, your grandma and DM had to go through this stuff too. It's dreadful. But I agree that being able to look at ourselves in the mirror and know we did the right thing is what is most important. The not nice kids are actually quite wealthy, but they just see themselves as entitled to everything belonging to my DGM. I have said to my mum just to let them have them. If all the stuff had been destroyed in a fire, she would say it's "only stuff". And it still is "only stuff". She has her memories, the knowledge my DGM was never scared of her, and the knowledge she behaved well and with dignity. If the not nice kids want the few hundred quid in my DGMs account, then it says more about them.

@Covidcovid I am really glad that you said that. It's the approach I thought DM should take, and certainly the one I intend to take. I feel so guilty that because of covid, we don't have to suffer through a wake or decide whether to go to it. I actually feel relieved that there can't be one! Then feel so so guilty because DGM deserves one, and because covid is such a horrible thing that's affected so many. I am not proud of my relief and wish I didn't feel it.

@Milkshake7489 that is such a lovely idea. My DGM definitely believes that death isn't the end, as do my DM and I, so my DGM would hopefully know about it afterwards! (Prepares for people to think I am nuts ).

And even if life after is a load of bollocks, it would still help provide closure to my mum.

Thanks for such a very lovely suggestion.

Wakes are for the living. The sad truth is the lack of a wake will make no difference to your DGM. I can understand the relief of not being able to have one. You, your mum, her brother can definitely remember her as a smaller group, possibly at a later time after lockdown. Go out for a nice meal, share memories, raise a glass.

@ExitChasedByABear Please don't be sorry. I am glad you didn't understand because that means you and yours have never been treated like that. And I am so glad you haven't

And no, they have very little empathy but an abundance of (MN cliche alert coming up) narcissism. They see people in terms of how they can benefit from them, and drop them if they can't, or if the people can't be controlled.

Thanks for your kind words. My DM borrowed a load of photos from my DGM to scan so she has copies, as my not so dear aunt has already said they are "hers".

And yes, I hope my DGM finds peace. I will try to help DM and DU know that they helped DGM and gave her unconditional love.

I hope no one else ever has to go through this.

@Covidcovid

Wakes are for the living. The sad truth is the lack of a wake will make no difference to your DGM. I can understand the relief of not being able to have one. You, your mum, her brother can definitely remember her as a smaller group, possibly at a later time after lockdown. Go out for a nice meal, share memories, raise a glass.

Brilliant idea! We can have a wake with their family of choice rather than the one they were born into. I think they would like that.