Can you be friends with someone, if you really REALLY disagree with their parenting method?

[NatalieJane]

I know that sounds really crap, and I don't for one minute think I am the perfect mother, but if you really do not like someone elses way of parenting, can you still be friends? Real friends?

I think it's difficult to be friends if you are so against their parenting style that you don't respect the person.

I also think if you are good enough friends, or 'gel' enough it doesn't matter.

I was telling my mum yesterday about a women at one of my groups who I'm not too keen on and was saying how she weaned early and gives her 18 week old baby squash [gulp] in a...tippy cup . but the there is another girl who i am friends with wh does gina ford pretty strictly with her LO, and I'mnot really into that for newborns but because I get on with in other ways it doesn't matter, and the first woman tbh she's just not my kind of person, if she was her parenting methods wouldn't matter that much.

I had it when a dear and very old (as in school friend not old in age) friend had a very strict routine for her new born. This culminated in her not feeding her baby when she was very obviously hungry, rooting and mewling. The 2 week old would be visibly distressed and hungry (she was bf) but my friend would look at her watch and would say "no feeding for another 30 minutes". It was really upsetting to watch. My dh had to go for a walk on his own after they left as he had witnessed it too and found it so sad. I agonised for ages about saying anything and in the end didn't.

We are still friends but are miles and miles apart in parenting styles and sadly this becomes apparent at every stage our los get to. Luckily she lives quite a long way from us so its not a daily issue but I cant help thinking mean thoughts like if we met now would we be friends?

I have this with one of my SILs and tbh I find it very, very difficult to watch. She has a four-year-old DD who occasionally wets her pants. She did this in our house a while ago (she was near the loo, just didn't make it in time) and SIL screamed and ranted at the child about how horrible she was and why she couldn't be like other children and not have accidents. She was completely out of control and DH and I were really upset by the incident, especially as it was not the first time we had seen her lose it with her DD for a trivial reason.
I now feel I cannot bear to be around her as there is nothing I can say that will help the situation at all.
So in your situation I think I am saying I would find it hard to be friends.

how are you?

I have "friends" whose parenting methods I don't particularly agree with. One in particular is very, very hard on her ds, shouting at him for the smallest thing and calling him all manner of things "don't be such a poofter" springs to mind .

At the end of the day though, we all parent differently, and just because someone smacks and someone uses time-out doesn't mean one is right and the other is wrong. There are people that believe that time-out is not an effective form of punishment, and some that even believe that putting a child into time-out can leave them feeling rejected, but on the other hand there are those that thing that smacking is violence and is always wrong. But what works for one doesn't necessarily work for another and vice versa.

And ultimately, if this is to be a lasting friendship, then there will come a time when the children have grown beyond the smacking/time-out phase, and how you parented them as LO's will no longer be relevant.

Depends if its an issue for you.

Generally I think it's the other person's business, but with smacking I don't think it's a personal choice issue.

I would not be friends with someone who smacks their child for 2 reasons:

1. It is wrong to hit someone and I would be condoning it if I said nothing.
2. The effect it wd have on my children - I tell them it's wrong to hit, full stop.

In fact the second reason is even more important than the first.

I also couldn't be friends with someone who was racist or homophobic.

But I could be friends with someone who had strict routines etc. even if it's not my choice.

Hmm good question...I have a good friend whose daughter is 6 and is obese, really obese. She feeds her sweets and crap all the time and just cannot see that she is too overweight. Its a real problem as I like her a lot but watching her is like watching a train crash in slow motion. She will moan that she can't get clothes to fit her but won't change her diet. She had weight issues as a child but not ot this extent, I think this is affecting her view.

It's almost abusive, because that child is starting to be called names at school and according to statistics has little hope of ever getting a sane body image.What would you do?

Thanks so much for all of your views, so many different opinions!

Wannabe, how are you?! Long time no speak!

Just to clear up, number six, I wasn't for one minute saying she hits her child because she is a single parent, I really hope you don't think I meant it like that. I suppose what I was saying was that compared to my lifestyle (i.e. I am married so have the support of a loving husband/full time dad, we don't really have money worries hanging over our heads, or any other stresses) I guess I was just saying that I don't get as wound up as she does, so therefore, I have the time and patience to hand out disapline that isn't 'as quick and easy' as a smack. I hope I got that to come across the right way.

I think in conclusion, all I can do really is just wait and see how the friendship pans out, she might stop going to mums and tots next week and I'll not see her again, or we may still be friends in 20 years time, in which case, as was pointed out, the smacking stage would have been long left behind anyway.

I hope I can overcome it, tbh, could do with a friend up here in the cold north west!

sorry for hijacking thread Natalie

But can anyone give their thoughts on this???

[Lil slips away as thread is left for dead!]

That's ok, you hi-jack away

Refering to your dilema Lil, I don't honestly think there is anything you could do, other than the obvious which is to aproach the mum about it. If you don't feel you can talk to her about it, then there is nothing to be done, IMO.

But would you approach her on this?

You say she is a good friend.... ummmm, I think I would leave the words like abusive and statistics to one side (no matter if they're true or not), next time the mum gets sweets out, I think I would pipe up with something like 'what just before tea/bed' or even 'have you seen the amount of sugar in those, I was mortified when I found out'

Maybe it would shame her into not giving it? lol I don't know, is that too far?