PLEASE HELP
My boyfriend and I just broke up on New Year's Eve. Well, he broke up with me officially.
We met 3 years ago on Tinder and had an instant SUPER STRONG connection. I was living in London at the time studying and he lived and had a business in rural Germany. After a couple of weeks of 24/7 texting and talking, he flew to London to go on our first date. It was incredible and we got into a relationship immediately. We told each other I love you within the first month and it was a crazy whirlwind romance. We then continued to have a fairytale long distance relationship for 2 years while I was finishing my studies, but we saw each other quite often and talked nonstop.
After my graduation, we decided to move to my home country (it was his idea, I would have liked to stay in London but that wouldn't have worked for his business). He promised me he would try to move his activity and spend 80% of his time there with me and 20% in Germany managing his business. We moved in together and it was all great in the beginning, we talked about marriage, kids, we were frequently looking at engagement rings, homes and even had a pregnancy suspicion which made us excited.
Soon, however, he started spending about half his time in Germany and half with me. I had given up my career in London for a worse job in my home city for the good of our relationship, all of my friends were also in London, so when he would leave, I was alone apart from my family. I felt very depressed and abandoned, and it got worse every time he left. I also couldn't spend more time in Germany with him as his family hated me (they are very conservative and traditional, they did not like that I was not German and that I was from the city). Eventually they even stopped talking to me in English and refused to talk to me until I learned German. (Huge mistake on my part not learning German, as my boyfriend had learned my language).
Anyway, we started having issues. Then the pandemic hit and he returned to Germany to tend to the business and I stayed here. We were apart for 3 months. After he returned, he was even more distant than before. He started spending even more time in Germany and I was alone a lot. I was very lost and depressed and I can imagine I wasn't great to spend time with... he also had to work from home while he was here because of the pandemic in the city, which made him miserable. We had a lot of fights as he was taking very good care of me as usual but I didn't feel like it was in a romantic way, more like sibling love. Our sex life really declined, I felt like he wasn't attracted to me or loved me anymore. I tried breaking up with him a few times while he was away and I was desperate but every time he stopped me, told me he loved me, I was everything to him and it will all be ok so I stayed. We tried making long term plans as long distance wasn’t working anymore and neither of us wanted to be in my home city anymore. He wanted us at some point to move to his village but I have a very urban design job and couldn’t have a career in a rural place. He also always seemed to want a city life, he fell in love with me and my lifestyle so him wanting to be in a village was news to me. We both wanted to settle down with a family somewhere more quiet and rural but we are in our mid 20s now and I am not ready to let go of city life yet, I asked him to give me a few years. We tried finding options in between a big city and small village but every time the discussion ended with I guess we will see after the pandemic.
Despitw our issues, I always had 100% trust in him. Until two months ago when I found text messages he was exchanging with a girl from back home he had reconnected with recently. They were talking nonstop, every day, sending selfies (he even sent a photo from the bath tub, not sexual but still...) I told him I was uncomfortable with it and he said fine he will stop. I then caught him talking to her and hiding it, deleting messages about 2 more times. He swore nothing was going on and he loved me and she was a friend but he would stop talking to her and I forgave him. Then, on his birthday, I found texts from her again that he was deleting. I started crying, screaming and broke up with him. I wanted to leave but he wouldn't let me, he was crying, swearing he did nothing wrong, saying he loved me while on his knees. I forgave him reluctantly. He had to then leave the next day to Germany, so we didn't have time to properly fix the situation. He told me he loved me, kissed me, told me not to break up with him while he is gone and he will be back for Christmas.
While he was there, I felt him very distant and eventually I snapped and sent him texts that I hated him, never wanted to see him again, that I wanted him to stay in Germany where he seems to want to be and leave me alone. (He has huge mommy daddy issues as they are very cold, he cannot seem to break away from them, when he is there he lives in their basement and will do anything to impress them). After those texts which I then regretted, he said he needed time apart.
The next day he sent me a breakup text. I called him and begged him not to do this, especially over the phone. He seemed to reconsider and told me he wanted a break. We then talked about once a week (my initiative), I sent him a letter admitting my mistakes and forgiving his, trying to find solutions to our situation. He called and said that he is not coming back for christmas and needs time. This month was torture. I cried every day, couldn’t go to work, missed christmas and my mom’s birthday, it was hell.
He then called me on new year’s eve to tell me it was over and he would come move out and go back to Germany sometime in January or February, that he realised he doesn’t love me anymore, he doesn’t want this relationship anymore, he doesn’t want to be in the city anymore and told me he is still talking to that girl and now wants his parents’ simple countryside life, after making life plans with me otherwise.
I am so incredibly heartbroken. We both made so many mistakes this year but I feel like we are soulmates and this was such a challenging year in general. He is very serious and disciplined and I am scared once he made this decision, it is final. I gave my whole life to him and I cannot let him walk away! He really is the most amazing man I have ever met and apart from this year we were so so so happy together! He supported me, loved me, cared for me unlike anyone ever has, he was friends with my parents and I truly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him and he always said he felt the same. How could he just stop loving me so suddenly when 2 weeks before he was professing his love for me and didn’t want to let me go?!
Anyway I don’t know what to do when he comes, I am giving him space now and not talking but it is killing me. I feel like this trying time could be used to learn from our mistakes and change our relationship for the better, but he doesn’t see it that way. I guess his parents not liking me maybe had a bigger impact on him than we thought? Especially now that he is there with them. What can I do to get him back????? What do I do when he comes????? He is coming in the next month to move out of our apartment and have a closure chat. Do I act friendly and cool? Do I talk about how much I have been suffering? What will make him want to come back?
(I know this is very long but it is still a very shortened version, I do hope someone reads it and gives me some advice🙁)