Living Together Apart (LAT) with young step/birth children

[stepmum2016]

DP and I are married 5 years, together for 9. We have a 2yo together and my DP has a 12yo boy who lives with us about 50%. My relationship with DSS was great at the start but has deteriorated over the last few years. The arrival of my birth son has in some ways split our parenting and I've had less and less to do with DSS. Recently he told his other family that I wasn't there for him and didn't want to come home to our house because of my relationship with him etc. This led to a few weeks of absence followed by him really wanting to come home and then a return to the 50%-50% again. Since them I am extremely tense around him.
He is not great at the moment for lots of reasons…school, no friends, very anxious, no motivation, not active and gaining weight very quickly, completely addicted to gaming. He’s seeing a school counselor and has lots of support from DP and other family but seems to need a huge amount of support to do even the basics. He presents as a depressed pre-teen.
I have decided that I am leaving the family home to return to my own house and bringing the 2yo with me. The plan is that my partner and I will stay a married couple and have a LAT arrangement. We are in couple’s counselling and are working through some historic issues between us since the birth of DS, as well as trying to make sense of all this other stuff. My home will be for me and DS primarily but DP will come and go. I will not be coming to the family home when DSS is there but will when he is not.
I have such mixed feelings about all of this. One the one hand I think I will find a peace and a sense of belonging in my own home. On the other hand, I'm concerned about the impact this will have on my marriage. And I can't even begin to think about the impact on my little one. My friends and my own therapist assure me that if I’m happy, DS will be happy and I’m clinging to that until I see otherwise. I do believe it is the right choice for me. And I know every situation is different. But I feel there are a thousand thread to my family and I’m sure some of you can connect with some of the threads I’ve mentioned.
I realise I’m in a privileged position with my own income and house to return to, and a reasonable, understanding partner (although to be honest, it was either this or I was leaving the marriage). I would love to hear if anyone else is LAT with young step/birth children in the mix.

Wellll, I don’t have small kids but I am LAT with teens on both sides. It’s not easy. It’s very complex

I would say your ds will be happy as long as you are happy. Your counsellor is spot on.

And it sounds as though your DP is listening and not many relationships would sustain this transition, but it sounds like you are managing and hats off to you all.

I admire you for being brave and doing the right thing, particularly for your respective kids. It goes against social norms, don’t underestimate the influence of that. But, I think you will be fine. Just fine.

So you’re worried about your marriage, your husband, your son but not so concerned about your step son (who sounds like a child who is really struggling!). Nice.

I’ve been that stepchild whose father chose the new wife/kids over his existing children, and whichever way you try to convince yourself that it’s in the best interest of everyone - it’s not.
He’s going to feel your dislike towards him so intensely when you move out. How are you going to explain that to a 12 year old that your moving out with his baby brother?

If it’s any reassurance, (and my background is children’s mental health btw) then your counsellor is right that your 2 year old will be happy if you are.

I’m sorry if my post has come across judgey, I don’t know your story fully and I guess you must be really struggling to be taking such drastic measures. Still, I feel sorry for the step son as he is the child - however tricky his behaviour is.

@LatentPhase

Wellll, I don’t have small kids but I am LAT with teens on both sides. It’s not easy. It’s very complex

I would say your ds will be happy as long as you are happy. Your counsellor is spot on.

And it sounds as though your DP is listening and not many relationships would sustain this transition, but it sounds like you are managing and hats off to you all.

I admire you for being brave and doing the right thing, particularly for your respective kids. It goes against social norms, don’t underestimate the influence of that. But, I think you will be fine. Just fine.

Thanks for your response and your support and your vote of confidence. To be honest, I didn't even know LAT was a thing when I proposed it before xmas, so I'm relieved to know couples can do it. And yes, it will no doubt bring new complexities while hopefully simplifiying some aspects of our family life.

How are you going to explain that to a 12 year old that your moving out with his baby brother?
For example, say that you think he needs more time alone with his dad, that you hope he will be happier if you are not there, that you like him but can see your presence is not helping him, and that it's not his fault that you are moving out - that you're making the decision in the hope that it will make things easier for you all. That perhaps in a few years, things will change; this is not necessarily permanent, but that he will have a choice in the matter.

Op so you want a family home and a marriage, as long as your dss is not in the picture. That is seriously messed up. And don't you think your dh will resent you over time? What you are proposing 100% suits you. It will be clear to your ss what you are doing. And when will he get to see his little brother?

Your poor SS. I have a son of the same age and this is such a horrible time for kids of that age. My son also struggles socially and isn't an active child, preferring xbox. School provided him with a small group of friends and a 2 mile walk a day which kept him reasonably healthy. He is now (like many other kids) spending most of his time 'socialising' online and being dragged out for walks with me. Throw in puberty hormones and it's hardly a party for him at the moment.
Your ss also has a new sibling in the mix who he probably feels is taking his dad away from him and has ruined his relationship with you.

You don't seem to show much compassion for your ss in all of this so maybe he's best if you do leave so he can spend some proper time with his dad.

I don't think you should even hint that you are moving out because of him. Guilt about harming his dad's marriage is the last thing he needs.

I can see why you have decided to do this and don't necessarily feel that living together is always the best thing in relationships, especially in blended families.

In this situation though, I wonder if you have both really thought through the implications for all of you including your step son.

I think it's assumed that he'll feel relief at the time he'll be getting 1-2-1 with dad but what if he's confused, feels guilty that he's the cause of this and resentful that he'll possibly see very little of his sibling.

Basically what it sounds like is you'll be going to your house when your step son is there. So you'll what, never see him?
What happens for holidays, Christmas, birthdays?
You might have all this worked out but if you don't, you really need to as the way all this is managed will make a huge difference.

Well I think it could be what the SS needs. I would not assume this will in some way damage him. It’s all about how the adults behave and the devil is in the detail. I hear no judgement towards SS so no need to be accusing the OP of being inconsiderate of him. His father is responsible for managing this well for the DSS, not the OP.

If there is support from couples counselling I would imagine the adults are well placed to get this right and I would not be jumping to the conclusions that posters above have jumped to. I would imagine the OP has considered how things will work e.g. Christmas!!

Unfortunately it sounds like a common Mumsnet problem that when the stepmum has their own baby they don't have anything to do with their stepchildren because they are "too busy". Do you really think people with 2 birth children have less to do with the older one when new baby arrives? You perhaps unintentionally have separated yourself from your Dss.

To be honest it sounds like you either need to properly try to patch up your marriage and relationship with dss or split up, living apart rarely works