How did you know he was controlling?

[laylamorris98]

I have been in a controlling relationship just last year which I escaped in August, although it was incredibly difficult to leave.

He was so charming and seemingly couldn't do enough for me at the beginning, but within a matter of weeks his behaviour altered. He started telling me what I shouldn't wear, that I shouldn't go out with friends and should focus on my studies. My parents loved him as he put on an act every time he saw them. I finally left him when he hit me and when I reached out to MumsNet for support.

My question is, how did you go about leaving him, once you realised you were in a controlling relationship?
What did you first see in them?
How soon did their behaviour change?
What sort of red flags did you notice?
Would you now notice these red flags?

Thank you. I am conducting research for my dissertation about controlling relationships.

I noticed very early on that he was setting up situations to test me: telling me to he'd wait for me somewhere and then moving somewhere not far off but where I had to go look for him; pushing an argument and then storming off. All to test if I'd follow him, challenge him or get rid of him (as I should've done!). At that point in life I'd been involved with enough red flag wavers to recognise the tricks but I wasn't capable of just walking away yet. When I realised I knew he was awful but still couldn't leave, I took myself off to therapy. Then it still took me another year plus the help of police and other professionals to get him out of the house. I think by now I'd be able to step away if one of those idiots showed up in my life again but who knows... This poem describes very well how I've experienced this, although I've never felt it was a habit or my fault that I fell in with eyes wide open; I simply didn't know how to say no to a person who wouldn't take no for an answer www.goodreads.com/quotes/95085-i-walk-down-the-street-there-is-a-deep-hole

I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes me a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in. It's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault. I get out immediately.

walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

Portia Nelson, There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

3 weeks in I was already infatuated but had an uneasy feeling, I ended it but by the end of the next day, after numerous calls and texts from him, I was apologising, I'm not sure why.
At 5 weeks in I was still having to 'earn' his forgiveness. That's when the comments about how 'much' make up I wore, how his friends had asked, why does she wear so much make up (I make an effort but am in no way high maintenance) Within another 4 weeks I was changing how I looked.
It didn't matter, because whatever I did it was never right, the goal posts were always moved. By 3 months in my whole head was taken up with preempting what his reactions would be to everything I did. Most of the time I got things wrong, I learned quickly how to modify my behaviour.
By 4 months in I was a different person. I was walking on egg shells. I swung between crying, submitting, arguing back, trying to justify myself, and finally crying in frustration. I didnt know what gaslighting was. He would talk me into riddles. That's when the 'you're fucking crazy' started. By this point I thought I was.
The person he showed was very different to the person I got.
One night, at about 8 months in, I went to my friends, regular girls night in. They picked me up. He made a big deal out of showing what a great guy he was. When we got to my friends we had the usual wine and girlie chat and as we were talking about things, relationships etc they looked at me aghast. I couldn't work out why.
The next day my friend sent me a pm, asking for no response 'just read what I'm sending you' message. 12 signs of an abusive relationship. Every box was ticked. That's when I starting, questioning, mentally fighting back, defending my self, telling him he was wrong, walking out when he screamed abuse at me, calling him out on his manipulation, telling people what he was doing. Tbh I wouldn't always advise this. Once his so far successful tools had stopped working on me it escalated to intimidation, full on control and finally a very traumatic violent attack. Which was awful but gave me the out I needed. I escaped. I had been with him only 17 months at this point. 17 short months of mental warfare that caused me to have a breakdown and get diagnosed with PTSD. I got an injunction. I pressed charges. I took him to court, I won. He hassled me for months but I stood firm, kicked him out and put myself in to therapy for nearly a year. I've dated but Im still single nearly 4 years later.
But yes I would recognise the signs. I've done so much work on myself, no man will ever get the better of me again.

I shouldve said aswell that i didnt realise men like this exist, except in films, sorry if this sounds like victim blaming but part of my recovery was accepting my part in what happened. Not that it was my fault but that I had to change something to stop it happening again. I had to change the way I viewed myself. I've come across men like this since while dating. Looking back the signs were there within days in all honesty. Men like this seek out their victims, it's imperative the determine whether they will succeed or not early on.
As soon as I see that behaviour I call them out. They then show those true colours, oh your a fucking feisty one, pof is awash with them. I always have a little chuckle to myself when I come across one.
Once I started looking into it I discovered that a lot of women who find themselves in relationships of this type go onto have multiple abusive relationships. Hense the months of therapy and self care before even considering another relationship.

It was very much about whether he approved of my actions. He very much said I could do/study/go wherever I wanted and would support me in all my dreams, but if I did something he perceived as wrong, I would be punished for it forever! (silence, sulking, endless discussions, demanding constant apologies, tasks to prove I regretted my actions etc). I was pregnant very quickly into the relationship and there is no doubt my child made me less likely to fight back. Looking back I went from feisty and independent to appeasing and tired. He tried to control my hair, weight, clothes, contraception, friends I could see, who I spoke to on dog walks, where I went... and it was all in the name of love and safety. I think he believed he was doing it for me, but it was very toxic.

Many years ago - my first relationship, in fact. And the control/abuse was actually very subtle. Lots of ‘it was only a joke - you’re so humourless’ comments right after a belittling comment. Any problem I might have was insignificant. Anything going on for him was hugely important. Near the end of the relationship we’d reached the point of him trying to dictate the job I did and other aspects of my life. Long time ago, and lots of water under the bridge. I was quite troubled myself back then but I think it really took years to work out that, far from ‘burdening’ my ex by being ‘a basket case’ (his charming term for me) his attitude had added to my problems. Fortunately I moved on.

Mine walked up to me in a local market and handed me a bunch of flowers...he said "I just had to..." then walked away.

He was very good looking and of course, at 19 and quite naieve I was a bit thrilled.

A month later he walked into the shop I worked at...I wonder now if he'd stalked me a bit.

We began dating...he was immediately obsessed with taking photographs of me...keep in mind this was the 90s. No mobiles...just cameras.

He'd print them up and catalogue them.

When we argued, which was always about me supposedly flirting with other men, he'd wait till I fell asleep and then tip water in my face.

When I eventually began to tire of him always calling me and turning up at my workplace, I dumped him at his house one day.

He began to sweat...sweat poured from his face as he had a physical reaction to it.

He locked me in his house for hours trying to make me stay with him. Slapped me numerous times.

His sister came in unexpectedly and let me out...I can remember hearing her screaming at him "What have you done!?"

For the next week he stalked me around my town, turning up at my friend's mum's house and looking in all the windows to see if I was there...her poor Mum got such a fright.

He turned up at my drama club and a number of the boys had to intimidate him out.

Eventually my brother in law heard about it all and he found him and told him never to come into our town again...all very Western...but he threatened him.

I saw him again 4 years later when I'd moved to London...and my heart sank...he mouthed "It's you!" and I ran down this alley to get away.

I sometimes think about all the pictures he took of me and wonder if he still looks at them.

“I don’t mind you going out, I just don’t like you going for a coffee or talking to anyone”

Something clicked in my mind and I started planning my escape.

Not as horrific as some of these tales, but I felt this drip drip drip of the walls closing in as my freedoms were removed over a two-year period.

He chose where we went on holiday/what airline/how we got the the airport etc. He managed all finances and wouldn’t combine accounts despite living together. He chose where we lived which just so happened to be a long way from anyone we knew. He decorated our joint living space with little input from me (who actually has style!), made sometimes flippant a remarks about my hair/outfits not being to his taste, would try to steer me towards career choices more in line with his, wouldn’t entertain me driving his car, wouldn’t compromise on anything, often supervised me cooking (!) with unhelpful instructions, expected sex every day even in the middle of the night.

Then when this prince of men asked me to marry him, he didn’t want us having more than 6 guests at the wedding.

I’m so glad he’s old news. Even writing this makes me furious.

There have been some aspects of control in my marriage, friends point out that am I very different person alone to when am with my H,
This was the one that made me realise, a Sunday afternoon he was laid on the floor doing what all men do looking on that damn phone so I popped to my BF house across the street and had a few drinks was there maybe 3 hours, came home to an huge row about “we” could have been doing something together “we” could have gone for a drink if I wanted one, why did it take so long to have a catch up, that he’d been left alone!
I calmly told him I was 38 he wasn’t my keeper and if he needed me for anything desperately it would have taken him less than a minute to get to her house. It dawned on me then he didn’t like me doing things alone and how many invites I turned down to so I wasn’t made to feel shit about him having a go at me, even going to bed later than him he didn’t like
Things are different now I do as I please and how I please when I please, we’re still together only just because he won’t let go but I’ll not go back to being made to feel like I’m not in control of my own life

It took a solicitor (who was a friend's husband) to make me realise that I'd been in a controlling relationship/marriage, and this was 6m after we separated. The solicitor was asking me for reasons to put on the divorce petition - I was feeling rotten that there wasn't a single big thing like an affair, or violence (again, having being told by the ex there was no possible reason I should feel like our marriage wasn't perfect) when he suggested a few small examples, and it just came tumbling out. He used to hide my house keys before he left for work and lock me inside, he sold 'my' car without telling me, used to take the pushchair to work in the car, wouldn't book holidays or days off in advance (yet I was expected to conjure up a two week holiday in the UK after 6pm on Friday to start the following day), plus all the other things about going out, seeing friends, even who I spoke to on the school run. It really was death by 1000 papercuts, and the realisation hit me like a tonne of bricks. I really didn't 'see' what the relationship had been/become/transformed into.

It's taken many, many years to be able to acknowledge to myself that actually I wasn't the heartless bitch for breaking up my family, but that he was (and remains to be) an abusive bastard that took 10 years of my life.

Definitely sounds like control to me. I've just come out of one of these relationships myself. Always felt like I was walking on eggshells. Dress is too short, too low, why are you wearing make up? Who are you trying to impress? Sounds stupid but competitive under eating! I'm so full up, how can you eat any more! Getting shitty if I decided to stay up on my sofa texting him rather than doing to bed to text him. Why are you staying up? Limiting who I could see, oh that person is a bad influence! How much have you drunk? Despite him being a heavy drinker! Even down to do you need to spend any more money? Do you need that? The kids shouldn't be doing this or that, they were MY children. I was a bad sleeper, when staying with him I'd even be on edge about disturbing him. Used to jokingly threaten me that I wouldn't be allowed in his bed. I often got the silent treatment from him if I ever did something he didn't like. Got to the point he was literally depriving me of sex or any physical contact. Final straw came when I saw a very upset friend and he wasn't happy with that despite being an absolute hypocrite. He gave me the silent treatment for weeks and then it ended. He had his good points obviously and could be extremely caring and good with my children BUT my god I am so glad to be out of it. In fact I hadn't even realised it was that bad reading it back 😳 It can take years to leave something like this. We weren't together the whole time but it was over years to leave the situation as such. I'm seeing an old ex now. He doesn't question where I'm going, who I'm seeing, what I'm eating - he gives me positive encouragement, and he loves me. In fact this is the most relaxed I have felt in years. I'm not quite sure why I left in the first place actually! Controlling relationships will NEVER change.

Q1. I had just walked out of a relationship with a fiance who had an anger management problem. The final straw was when he tried to strangle me.
My exH seemed like a breath of fresh air.
He appeared level headed, calm, controlled, reasonable and steady. He had a good work ethic and seemed reliable.

Q2/3 My exH worked away much of the time so I made a big effort to make everything 'nice' for him when he was home by taking charge of all household duties. However, I was very lonely so I asked him to change his job so we could be together more. He said that we couldn't afford to do that so I got a promotion (so now I earned more than him) and he got a 9-5 job.
The abuse and control started slowly and insidiously (frog in boiling water scenario?)with criticisms of my clothes, weight (I was 5'2" and 8 stone at the time !!) invalidation of my feelings, and all this was done with a sneer on his face.
When I responded with anger and hurt he told me I was "unstable and irrational", "too sensitive", too needy".

Q4. Absolutely.
I spent time doing a lot of work on myself to understand why I had attracted these types of guys.
I gave myself permission to walk away from anyone who did not treat me with respect. I called guys out on their words and behaviour.
I lost count of the number of times I walked out of restaurants/pubs/ shops and parties at the first sniff of anything faintly abusive or controlling.
I protected myself by not putting myself in a situation where I could be abused or controlled - such as having money for a taxi/not drinking alcohol.
I took relationships slowly until guys earned my trust.

HTH and good luck with your dissertation.

Wow, ladies reading this thread back I can see so many similarities in all of our stories, its so scarey. Why do they npt teavh girls this shit at school. One thing especially makes me think bloody hell we were dating the same man. I remember when I was in therapy, at a women's refuge and my therapist, a survivor of domestic abuse, used to share her experiences and feelings as part of our sessions, part of the reason I think my experience of therapy was so successful is that she could relate. I said to her onc, do they give these men a handbook. Their personality, their traits, the journey of abuse is so similar it's uncanny. Even to one day I recall saying to my therapist that he used to say to me ' you don't recognise love when you see it, the things I do are because I love you so much' her head was nodding the whole way through, she knew because she had heard it too, I remember the last time he said that to me my answer was, then love me less.