I'm anxious when my phone isn't going off

[WynterRose]

I feel a lot of loneliness and have done for about 5 years. I had a horrible relationship which ended 3 years ago, and whilst thoughts about what he did stay with me, overall I'm in a much better place with that.

I have always placed a lot of importance on my few friends, because I've been single most of my adult life but also gone through some shit with men, so to always have those few friends has meant a lot.

But I've noticed over the years, that I can go days sometimes without a text or anything on my phone. And that really gets me down. I know my friends would be there if I contacted them, but when I don't contact them and they also don't contact me in turn, I get anxious and feel that they are 'abandoning' me. This then fuels my lonely feeling.

I have a very small family, no siblings. Just parents and grandparent.
And the older i've got the more I wish I had a large family like some of my friends have, it seems they would never be lonely.

At the moment, i'm particularly feeling down because me and my best friend have drifted apart. I don't know why, nothing has particularly changed. But she is in touch a lot less, I haven't heard from her in over a week. I looked back at previous messages and it seems bar a few times, its mainly been me getting in touch with her. Yet shes all over Social Media, but doesn't give me a thought, where as in the old days, we'd speak at least a few times a week. I'm thinking I should let the friendship die because it just hurts me and gets me down alot lately.

It just affects my mood so much when i'm not in touch with friends, or should I say when no one makes an effort with me. I'm in my 30s and single. And with these friends, only one is married with kids, the others are single or in on/off relationships. I just feel unwanted and abandoned I think.

Can I ask how old you are? And are you happy in your job?

It's difficult op. Especially right now, this year has been very strange.

I think some people are the opposite when things are hard - I personally go very insular. I'm not in touch with people as much at the moment. I have nothing to say, nothing to chat about. Some of my friends really enjoy zoom parties and chatting by text a lot, and to be honest I just feel like hibernating at the moment.

They're probably not doing it to offend or upset you, people are just dealing with these strange times differently.

I know what you mean. I feel the same with my friends but I have to think that they are also going through stuff at the moment. Could you reach out to your friend and explain how you are feeling?

Early 30s, currently out of work due to the pandemic. But this has been a problem for me even when I did work full time. I'd look at my phone and feel disappointment at the end of a shift. That feeling that nobody cares.

Me and my best friend have had discussions about this before. So she knows how it makes me feel. I just don't cross her mind.

I sometimes feel I make all the effort. But then I look at my friends and it’s probably more even than I realise. Even if someone isn’t an ‘instigator’ as such, as long as I still enjoy their company I’m happy to do it because I understand that life gets in the way and I’m as guilty of that at times as they are.

Have you told your friends about how you feel? They might feel being in contact all the time could be stifling for you? I know I would not have time to call a friend every day, I struggle once a week to be honest, but I can text a couple of times a week. Could you ask them if that would work for them?

My two best friends and I speak maybe 1 a month and my other close friend we text 2/3 times a week. I still love all of them, they love me. They’re awesome. But it’s a weird time, we’re all working, I’ve got a little boy, one of them is a committed runner, one of them is seriously committed to work and we’re all knackered. It’s not about abandoning anyone. If you feel you want extra support from them, please ask. Don’t cut people out of your life if you’ve not had the chance to talk it through.

Surely your friends ain’t mind readers and maybe they are struggling too with their own mental health. Sometimes it’s hard when you’re feeling low yourself to chat to someone else who is perhaps feeling low too . I think In these strange times no one is feeling themselves and it’s hard for conversations and relationships to be normal .
Maybe just reach out to people and don’t worry about the fact you’re having to contact other people more. If you need some support you need to ask for it . I think most people are selfish atm but that’s coz we are all struggling .

I suffer with Bpd and this is a trigger for me.

I try to remember that not everyone is a mind reader and people have their own lives. Love isn't measured by how many texts one sends.

Unmumsnetty hugs!

One of the keys to getting over this sort of insecurity, is to try to do more for others.

Helping via charity work for example. It's a good way to move away from your own ego...which is something most people struggle with OP.x