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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help with dp

13 replies

bellalou1234 · 20/01/2021 10:18

A few weeks ago I posted that my dp has been acting strange, message found on his phone on xmas day, lots of things that indicate an affair. He denies it, then when asking says he hasnt been happy for around 2 years.
When I ask where we go from here he doesnt directly answer, avoids talking, says lets wait until after lock down and see then what were like.
He now says hes depressed and to be honest he looks it, no conversation, lack of interest in things he enjoys, very withdrawn. I had an appointment to get the house on the market tomorrow, I dont know whether to proceed or wait a while and give him space? His grown up son things hes changed over last few month and is depressed.

OP posts:
Sunflower1970 · 20/01/2021 10:27

I think I would proceed with the house if I were you. If he says he hasnt been happy for 2 years and you have seen messages then I think the indications are that he has checked out.

Chamomileteaplease · 20/01/2021 10:28

Never mind waiting for him to sort himself out, what do you want to do?

bellalou1234 · 20/01/2021 10:29

I'm upset, I would want to try but think I'm just so hurt.

OP posts:
bellalou1234 · 20/01/2021 10:31

I guess I'm just worried it is depression and I'm making things worse.

OP posts:
AnitaB888 · 20/01/2021 15:24

I would get the house on the market, see a solicitor and get advice as to where you stand financially.

He's told you he hasn't been happy for 2 years yet wants to wait "until after lockdown" - this is a crock.
It's more likely he's got another woman and wants to make sure things are steady with her before he makes a move.

I'm sorry to be blunt but something similar happened with my exH who just kept me 'on a string' so he could operate to his own time-frame. I was told, 'he was depressed, needed time to sort his life out' etc. etc. and I was daft enough to believe it - don't make my mistake.

AryaStarkWolf · 20/01/2021 15:33

If you think he's having an affair then he's not just depressed. How strong was the evidence that he is/was?

bellalou1234 · 20/01/2021 15:33

Thanks anitab I know I'll start the ball moving.

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 20/01/2021 15:39

What is he doing about his depression? Has he seen his GP? Because being depressed and saying you're depressed are not the same thing, some people just say their depressed to excuse bad behaviour.

bellalou1234 · 20/01/2021 15:43

He doesnt speak, doesnt do much other than go to work and come up and sit on sofa watching tv. I've tried talking to him, texting him anything to get him to open up. Asked him to go to the gp. His late mother had severe mental health, so abit worried in that aspect.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/01/2021 15:51

bellalou

What AnitaB wrote earlier.

He won't open up to you because he has checked out of the relationship. Some people will use depression as an excuse for their own bad behaviour; in this case he cheating on you.

Its all drip, drip, drip and other forms of minimising with your so called partner and it would not at all surprise me if there was indeed someone else waiting in the wings. His grown up son will side with his father out of loyalty and to not to rock the boar with him. Indeed put the house on the market.

Deathraystare · 20/01/2021 17:23

It's more likely he's got another woman and wants to make sure things are steady with her before he makes a move.

Couldn't agree more!

bellalou1234 · 20/01/2021 18:56

I know I'm probably buring my head and hoping I'm wrong.. but I'm not though..

OP posts:
P1ainJanine · 22/01/2021 12:18

I agree with Attila and AnitaB. He's checked out, and is using depression as an excuse to minimise any interaction with you, until lockdown is over and he can do as he pleases. In the meantime, the depression excuse also suits him, as he can paint himself as some sort of victim in his own mind.

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