first love emotional hangover.. advice please!

[newbrooms]

I feel really silly about this (hence have changed nickname to raise it) but it is really a pain...

My first love gave me the boot when I was 18, after a year's very intense and really happy relationship - he was a year older, off on gap year etc and he said "it didn't feel right" to continue our relationship. We both went to university in different places and I got on with live as best I could, even though I was devastated and my confidence had been absolutely crushed, and in fact, made a point of trying to have the most interesting and adventurous time I could, as if to prove to myself that I wasn't such a no-hoper as I felt. I had a couple of relationships which were good but not as absorbing and am now with DH, who is great, and we have two amazing DCs.

I've seen my first boyfriend occasionally at social events (we have a couple of mutual friends still) over the years and we had pleasant friendly lunch together a couple of years ago, but we didn't stay in touch.

I didn't feel any kind of attraction to him, so it isn't a case of still fancying him/wanting an affair. not at all.

All the same, I have really strong intrusive thoughts about how things were when we were young, and how close we were, and keep thinking how great it would be if we could be good friends. this all started in earnest when I had DC1, even though I'd been thinking in these terms for a long time.

given that I have so many good things in my life, I'm really frustrated that I keep pondering on something in the past like this.

I suspect that you may be just mourning your pre-dc's life, which is perfectly normal. Life as a partner and a parent is totally different to life as an independent young thing and your first 'love' can hold rose tinted memories. But you know that if you were married to and had dc's with your first love things would be totally different and you wouldn't have your lovely family.
I'd say, as best as you can, just think about it, smile, and do your best to put it out of your mind.

do you still feel rejected by him? do you feel that by not being in contact with you, he doesn't 'appreciate' your past together as much?

when you are younger you feel things far more intensely, so it's not so much of a surprise that the relationship was such an intense one.

but was it his decision not to stay in touch, did you want him to miss you?

both of you, thanks for replying, I really appreciate it

CCC, I've been practicing putting it out of my mind and actually it has helped a lot

CappuScreamO (great name)

yes, I think you have probably hit the nail on the head. I felt desperately rejected at the time, but ploughed it into proving to myself that I could be ok, indeed, 'high-achieving', with good friends, etc. somehow with the birth of my DCs I feel that I no longer have anything to prove, they are so amazing and I love them so much, somehow being the mother of two beautiful babies has really made my confidence. plus of course, if I had stayed with him I wouldn't have these particular lovely babies

he was the one who didn't keep in touch, although there;s an element in which he is not a keep-in-touch person (he dropped contact with a few old friends) and in fact he was the one who wanted to have lunch a few years ago...

must dash, thanks again, and I'm open to more thoughts from you insightful MN'ers

Newbrooms, thank you for posting. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. Although in my case it was unrequited (is that spelt right) love. Wow this man took my breathe away everytime I saw him (we worked in the same office). I know it wasn't just a fantasy, he felt the same way (people asked when we were going to get together because he had said he liked me) but for some mad reason I found the power of my feelings too much and was so frightened by them and that it would all go wrong that I avoided getting involved. Was even rude to him a few times. By the time I had changed my mind and took the plunge and told him how I felt (2 years later ) understandably he had moved on. It broke me in two and I still (8 yrs later) find myself saying what if? What if I had been true to my feelings and told him how I felt earlier - who knows? Well of course I imagine a fairy tale ending of everlasting love and neverending passion etc etc, now I know fairy tales don't really exist. i would probably have annoyed him to distraction and he would have had an affair (he was a womaniser!). I wouldn't now have my beautiful children. Occasionally I still indulge in my dream, but I know its gone a long time ago and I can only blame myself. I saw him last year and his eyes burned into me, just how I remember and the heartbeat raced. but hey ho time to move on and be grateful for the life I have!!!

Sorry didn't really offer advice, got carried away!! Just really to say that rose tinted specs are what you have. You were with him and be grateful for those memories (all mine are fantasies ! But hey no one will judge you for dreaming, but going back? Its likely to be one big disappointment I'm sure. Be grateful for your past, but treasure your present (oooh that sounds a bit cliched but you know what I mean!)

thanks Mavis, it makes me feel a bit less bonkers that there are other people out there with the same issue.

realistically (both of us here) we do what is right for us at the time, and certainly going back is not an option, nor is it something I would want (not least because he is now utterly bald! whereas DH has a magnificent mop of hair )

also I do think girls particularly are sold absolutely unrealistic indeed harmful fantasies about love, relationships, men

having this conversation has really helped me a lot

thanks ladies so much, isn't the internet a marvellous thing

I'm glad to say you've helped me loads too, a bit of late night therapy does wonders!! You're right about girls being fed completely unrealistic ideas on love and romance. That's why dreaming is so much fun .

am bumping because I found the posts up until now very helpful...

don't know what I'd do without MN

hello nb. you know me. well .

nb - he broke your heart. he will always be a massive part of your life and of you. there's nothing wrong with still thinking about him. if I can be bold - you don;t need to see the thoughts about how close you were as "intrusive" - they are entirely normal. none of us can put our first love and first broken heart into a box never to be looked at. our experiences formed who we are now.

The intrusion perhaps comes - not from thinking about how close you were - but from thinking it would be nice to be friends now. perhaps, subconsciously you are thinking you had something very special when you were 17-18 and that it seems a shame to have reduced it to nothing. how can something once so lovely now be nothing? imho you have to accept that although it ended with a broken heart you did have something special - and it ended. when you find yourself thinking wouldn't it be nice to be friends now - try to turn these thoughts away from the past and situtate them in your life now. and if you think about that I am not convinced that a friendship with him would enhance your life. If you genuinely think it would then do something about it. If not then allow yourself a bit of grief. That's just human nature. You have a lovely life nb - a great family and lots of very good friends. look back in fondness but look around you and look forward too.

one day I'll tell you my teenage love stories - in sum - a wonderfully innocent friendship aged 14, and then a disastrous obsession aged 17-18 - not at all helped by doing Wuthering Heights for A level, interspersed with all manner of horrors including the biggest bore of my life and two who - being in their mid 20s and me at 15 - were old enough to make me shudder now I look back. (and it didn;t get much better at university - among the horrors there was a fling with an engaged man - bet you didn;t know about that one!). Hoowever, all that's history now - part of my history - and I don;t regret it nor try to pretend it didn;t happen. we live and learn, nb. and you and I - as I know you realise - have got an awful lot to be happy about.
big hugs

hello rv... as you know I always value your comments :-)

yes, I think I would have liked a friendship, as I was thinking recently, having had a really great exchange of correspondence and emails with a chap who was a great friend when I was at school, now living in Japan, that apart from this first boyfriend all the people who have been important friends to me are still pretty much in my orbit. TBH, I did have a discreet try at maintaining email contact around the time we had lunch (which he proposed) but he wasn't much of a correspondent and I found myself feeling rejected all over again so dropped it I hoped that being friends would normalise things - digest the bitterness - somehow put the past in the past with a fulfilling present friendship. not to be, I think. this is one thing that I will have to find indigestible, but if this is all I have to worry about, as you say, I have plenty to be delighted about.

you are absolutely right about all of us having history - loved the Wuthering Heights! - I was doing Pride and Prejudice at that stage so concentrated on trying to be clever yet sensible rather than alluring or passionate ;-) but in fact Middlemarch has the most to teach us all in affairs of the heart...

thanks again rv - you are a magnificent friend.

'magnificent' keeps popping out of my mouth to describe the current sunny weather, food DS1&2, and my 36F bazongas as well as wonderful friends like you so things aren't so bad

hello again. I too did Pride and Prejudice in the 6th form - in fact did the whole Austen thing. but you forget - I was living under the shadow of Stanage Edge not Box Hill. I wonder how different my life would have been...I've never read Middlemarch maybe I should.

I do see what you're saying about a friendship as a way of normalising things - it does make sense but I also think you're right to drop it if it starts feeling like rejection.

hmmm just remembered another disaster to add to my list above. a brief fling with someone struggling with his sexuality. it would seem I confirmed it for him! last I heard he is happily civilly partnered...

rejection is very very hard. esp. as in your mind he was 'the one'. and now you've got such a fantastic life, perhaps a part of you wants him to see what an amazing person he passed up. ideally he would ask you for lunch again, declare undying love, tell you what an idiot he is and how he doesn't deserve you. cue you telling him to fark off leaving him mortified and deeply regretting the past.

how do you move on from this? whenever you find yourself thinking about him, don't indulge yourself. i'm afraid time is really the only healer here.

and i think carmenere makes a very good point - you may be lamenting the loss of your carefree days. start something new, to give your mind a different focus. art classes once a week, a course perhaps.

hello again I'm now out and proud

go to phil's bookshop and get yourself a copy of middlemarch - so much to tell us about ways of living life well, as well as a corking good read! it's my favourite book of all time..

there are no literary heroines in tunbridge wells really, nearest one really would be Flora Poste from Cold Comfort Farm, just over the border in Sussex although really she's a Londoner

Warthog, you;'re entirely right. LOL at my potential confusion in the scenario you propose . If you knew me (as Hatwoman does) in RL, you'll know that an answer with a fair bit of swearing in it would be absolutely what I'd say

LOL

laughter is the best medicine

thanks again Queens of MN