Anxious about dating again!

[Miss2009]

I'm a 33 year old female. I split from my abusive boyfriend last year. He was the only partner I have ever been with. I know what I want from a relationship. To find a guy who is kind, loving, fun etc. Then get married and have children with him. I'm so anxious because I'm 33 and in lockdown. I'm worried I've left it all too late!

Hi, I know exactly what you mean as I was in a very similar position to you very recently. I broke up with my longterm boyfriend a year ago- I had never done casual dating and had never even considered OLD as had met my previous two partners through natural ways- school and then later work. At 33 though it was much harder to do and I decided to try OLD. I went on a couple of dates where I didn’t really feel anything. Then I met a lovely man in August. Everything was very natural. It has moved fast- we were exclusive within a month, referred to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend within 2 months and I have spent every weekend and all of Christmas with him. Quite early on he was talking about wanting a future, to have a family together etc. I would normally think this was a red flag but I think sometimes at our ages (I’m now 34, he is in his 40’s) timing comes in to play and just meeting the right person. We’re moving in together next month and I am happier then I’ve been for a long time. What I want you to take from this is I was exactly where you are only 7 months ago. I really wasn’t sure if I could do dating- it felt like a big risk, putting myself out there. But I’m so so glad I did. Good luck!

I met my husband OLD when I was 38. You will find there might be some lovely second time rounders on there. At 33 you have your whole life ahead of you - you definitely haven't missed the boat. Think positive, sift through the deviants who just want sex, watch for love bombing and lovely things will happen for you:-) x

You have plenty of time. Regarding spotting abusive relationship's in future, I've seen the Freedom Programme mentioned on here. You might want to consider it, as you stayed in an abusive relationship a long time. Plus, you need to be clear on boundaries with online dating.

As pp says, it's worth making sure you're match-fit for dating and a relationship by doing the freedom programme and working on your boundaries beforehand. You need to start with high standards and a good sense of self-worth.

Having come out of an abusive relationship, you're very vulnerable to falling into another. It's really common for people who have had their boundaries crushed by abuse to end up in a pattern of poor and abusive relationships.

So it's well worth investing time in yourself to get to a good place and not let your sense of the biological clock ticking push you into overlooking red flag behaviour in dates.

You do have time in your fertility window, so try not to let that rule your decisions.

You have lots of time, I would personally treat it like an experiment and date as many as possible. My best friend went on 3 dates a week for a few years and recently got married to one. I think you have to put yourself out there when you are ready but literally throw yourself into it if you want kids. And make it really clear that's what you want.