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Original poster

Red Flag? - Minimising Ex

14 replies

FascinatingWeather · 20/01/2021 08:02

I have been seeing (within covid rules) a man in his mid 30s since dec 2019. He is divorced, his EW left him for someone else.

I didn't really have any alarm bells until recently when he started to open up a little bit more about his past relationships. When we first started dating he had told me he was recently divorced and had been married to his ex for 4 years and together for 5. Then recently he mentioned getting married at 21 to her. So it's more like 15 years of marriage. He then tried to brazen it out with a "I've always told you that" line. He then changed tack to "wow, I always thought I had said that."

So, he obviously lied to me at the start. Maybe he thought I wouldn't be interested in someone who'd only had one partner for so long? He won't admit to the lie which is probably what upsets me the most. Is this a big deal, a red flag?

OP posts:
gannett · 20/01/2021 08:09

In my experience a lot of the little lies people tell at the start of relationships are because they want to make themselves look better/cooler/more attractive/don't want to put off the other person. I can imagine him thinking a previous 15-year marriage might send you running. And now he's too embarrassed to own up.

Agree that not admitting it is the worst thing, after a year you should be able to say "well I thought you wouldn't be interested so I massaged the truth, how silly was I".

Newfor2021 · 20/01/2021 08:14

Huge red flag for me, I’d end it as I could never trust them after that.
If you’re going to lie about something that would very likely come out, and isn’t important to lie about (as in very occasionally a lie to say spare someone’s feelings etc) I’d be thinking what else have you told blatant lies about?

I’m massive in 💯 honesty from day 1.

Original poster
FascinatingWeather · 20/01/2021 08:28

Yes, I thought that maybe our age difference might be what spurred him to lie. I am fair few years younger and he is in his mid-to-late30s. I probably would have run a mile tbh at dating someone who had been married that long.

OP posts:
Chocolate123 · 20/01/2021 08:43

Not sure why he lied but stupid of him really. I'd rather be with someone who's been in a long term relationship than someone who'd been in loads of short term relationships. Why would you have run a mile if you'd known how long he was with his ex?

BornIn78 · 20/01/2021 08:47

He then tried to brazen it out with a "I've always told you that” line.

That would piss me off more than the actual lie.

Expect a couple of children to appear, if you didn’t already know he had any.

Original poster
FascinatingWeather · 20/01/2021 08:55

@Chocolate123 Not sure why on inspecting my own statement but perhaps it's the sense that he'd been with the same woman for the entirety of his adult life. That's a whole lot of memories. That's a huge presence in his life. It is probably an insecurity thing on my part. I think it also emphasises the age difference between us.

OP posts:
PracticallyPerfectInZeroWays · 20/01/2021 08:57

A lie about relationship length at the beginning would definitely make me think twice but it's possible I could get over it if they admitted it straight away as having had a moment of silly panic.

The, "I've always told you that", would be it for me.

  1. How stupid do you think I am?
  2. How self-doubting are you hoping I am?
  3. You are clearly telling me that you would rather lie and lie than ever admit fault;
  4. I see you testing that gaslight over there, buddy...

Good.bye.

Imiss2019 · 20/01/2021 09:01

@PracticallyPerfectInZeroWays

A lie about relationship length at the beginning would definitely make me think twice but it's possible I could get over it if they admitted it straight away as having had a moment of silly panic.

The, "I've always told you that", would be it for me.

  1. How stupid do you think I am?
  2. How self-doubting are you hoping I am?
  3. You are clearly telling me that you would rather lie and lie than ever admit fault;
  4. I see you testing that gaslight over there, buddy...

Good.bye.

I agree.
Somethingkindaoooo · 20/01/2021 09:03

How much of an age difference is there?

I've found that people very rarely tell just one lie

Eckhart · 20/01/2021 09:08

I think it's useful to see red flags as the emotional responses you have personally, rather than the behaviour of the other person. For example, some people might feel a grave relationship error has been committed if their partner wants to be in touch every 5 minutes and texts all day long, whereas others might relish the attention. It's not about 'doing things wrong', it's about your own sensitivities, and your compatibility with your partner.

Asking if a behaviour is a 'red flag' assumes an outside set of rules, meaning that if a hundred people came on here saying it was not a red flag, you would try to override the fact that your hackles are standing up, here. Your hackles, and your feelings in general, are what makes the rules about your relationships - not whether somebody is behaving in the 'right' or 'wrong' way.

Chocolate123 · 20/01/2021 09:14

@FascinatingWeather how big is the age difference? I was with my ex husband from 18-34 it wouldn't be red flag for me but lying about it is that's what I'd be questioning.

BlingLoving · 20/01/2021 14:11

The lie could have been, as pointed out, because he thought you would not want to date him if he'd been with someone that long. I can understand that. But then the only correct response is, "I'm really sorry, I really liked you and I was certain you'd be dubious about dating a man who'd been married from the age of 21."

The gaslighting etc is what would freak me out.

Wanderlusto · 20/01/2021 14:22

Oh dear op that's a whopper of a lie. And theres no excuse for it. But the gaslighting is way worse!

I'm normally a benefit of the doubt sort but hell no on this one! That's a massive lie with bells on. And further little mindfucking lies on top. Nope nope nope!

And be careful as you are already failing the test he has set. He now knows you will excuse shit like this.

updownroundandround · 20/01/2021 14:33

I totally agree with @ Eckhart

It doesn't matter whether any or all of us would see this as a red flag, it only matters that this has obviously unsettled you and given you doubts about a new relationship.

I say you need to trust your own instincts here, not ours.

If it was me, I'd be sitting him down for a long, long chat about lies, trust, stupidity, and admitting mistakes. It would be how he responds to that talk that would be the decider for me personally, as I do think that we have all had experience of either dodging a topic or of fudging slightly so that we keep our more personal information in the dark when we are in the first, early stage of a relationship and are still 'sounding out' our new partner.

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