Sexless marriage - I need honest advice

[Floridakilos]

Hello. Looking for honest advice. Never posted on one of these sites but can’t discuss this with anyone I know. Please no judgement. Sorry for the essay. Please be kind.

I’ve been married to my husband for 8 years and we’ve been together for 17. I’m 37. We have 2 kids. (4yrs and 18 months). We both love our children with all our hearts and he is a great dad. We don’t have sex. He’s suffered from erectile dysfunction for years. I have had to force him on multiple occasions to seek help for it but he’s just ignored it. We only have sex when trying for a baby. I have to tell him in advance I’m ovulating and he grumbles and tries to make excuses then goes and takes a pill (he’s been prescribed numerous ones over the years but had failed to take them as advised eg everyday) the process is so abnormal to me still, so mechanical and I’m so sad about it. He often still can’t get it up even with the medication. I’ve been sympathetic but for years now I feel he has just put my needs last. We literally went years after marriage not having sex. But I actually have a high sex drive, I always have but I’ve just settled for this as I was in love with my husband. I think about sex a lot and masturbate regularly and have orgasms in my sleep (SORRY TMI!!) I often think I must just love him as a friend now. I think I initially stayed with him because he has supported me so much with various things - before kids - I’ve had a severe depression which required me to be hospitalised for periods of time etc but I’ve been ok for years now and have a good career etc. I’ve never felt I’ve had the courage to leave him and I’ve questioned if I actually wanted to as he is my best friend. I also selfishly worry about being alone at 37 with 2 kids and how difficult that would be. I don’t want to end up alone. He loves me and he doesn’t want to split up, but everytime we have a conversation about sex (initiated by me) he says he’ll sort it out but he never does. He’s quite happy going along in a sexless marriage I think. I don’t think I even want to try to have sex with him anymore, I feel like I deserve better and I’m angry I’ve allowed this situation to become what it is. I’m not really sexually attracted to him anymore to be honest. It’s just NOT sexy when the guy you are with does everything to avoid sex! I tried last night and he just said he couldn’t. I feel like it’s the last straw! It’s happened so many times and it makes me miserable. I wish I was with a man who wanted me and fancied me and we had a sexual connection. I used to try to get him involved in some fantasies I had but he was totally not up for it. My sexual confidence is so low now. My husband and I are so mismatched it that regard and I am so unsatisfied. I’m becoming angry and bitter and I look at him and literally want to punch him as he just doesn’t get it. He’s never tried to address his problem in earnest. I would be so sad for our kids if their parents lived apart. But I think I could meet someone who makes me happier. Or at least feel like I’m being true to myself instead of living a lie. We pretend to everyone we are happy! I couldn’t bear to speak to my friends about this as I’m so ashamed of where we are and have been for so long. I often look at other couples with envy. Just for a man to reciprocate my sexual desire would make me so happy. I’ve even considered asking him if I can cheat on him (just sex) with someone else just to be satisfied but I don’t think that’s me. I want love and sex and I just haven’t really ever had that together.

Thanks for reading if u got this far. Please give me honest and helpful advice if u can. Xxxx

I think what I’m trying to work out is should I stay and accept this and just plod on - we have a nice life etc and lovely holidays and we enjoy each other’s company, we have a lovely home and great friends. Or should I take a huge step and leave, potentially making my life and my kids’ lives very difficult but knowing that I’m not living a lie? Xxxx

I'm in my 40's and in the same situation and haven't had kids because of this. I've questioned my husband's sexuality as he simply doesn't care about my needs! Believe you me, the resentment can be unbearable and I'm going to end the marriage. I'll follow this post in interest but think we all deserve happiness. Selfish partners do not deserve our love

I think you are being starved of emotional and sexual intimacy and it will crush you completely if this continues. You have a friend and housemate, not a husband. It's also very telling that your husband is clearly not arsed about your needs or feelings. He simply doesn't care.

You are living a very unfulfilled life. I know I wouldn't tolerate this.

It won't last OP. Especially as you have a high drive. It will drive you mad and cause problems with your mental health.

I was in a sexless relationship, for various reasons. I have a high drive though that disappeared for a while then really came back. I thought about it all the time.

I just got more and more unhappy and realised I could not live for possibly another 40 years like it. We had a comfortable life and on the outside it looked like we had a good relationship but we were more housemates than anything else and it was soul destroying.

I finally ended it and met someone else. Before when I used to tell myself that sex wasn't that big a deal, I was kidding myself hugely. I can't get enough now and I know I did the right thing in leaving a marriage that was ruining both our mental health.

The grass isn’t always greener. I would be careful what you wish for.

Can you suggest couples sex therapy?

Sympathies op, I’m in a v similar position except no ED - he just isn’t interested (other than, so he claims, during the day when I am working - so helpful). I’m 39. I am considering finding (post lockdown) a “gentleman friend” as I really don’t want to divorce but also can’t see how I live like this for the next 30-40 years.

There's a distinct difference between erectile dysfunction and low sex drive. It sounds like your husband's issue is both, but more of the latter. Although maybe he's not interested in sex because the ED is getting him down (no pun intended).

If it was purely down to ED, then there's lots of other ways to be sexually intimate and give each other pleasure (even if it's just kissing and cuddling, and that often leads to other things anyway). A considerate partner would be quite willing to satisfy their partner's desires in any way possible. The fact he's just not bothered at all suggests he's suffering from a low libido - or at least a lot lower than yours. How tactile are you with each other day to day?

There seems to be a lot of threads on here about husbands with low/non existant sex drive. I don't know what the normal range should be, but to me so infrequent would seem very abnormal.

He should probably start by talking to his GP about it (again), which would probably lead to having his testosterone levels checked. Not sure if that's something they would have done previously, but possibly not, if it was more about the ED.

The thing is, women are generally far more open about going to the Dr, and discussing personal issues, being examined etc - it's a far more 'normal' part of life due to prescription contraceptives, smear tests etc. Many men (and I probably include myself in this) will put off going to the Dr unless something is falling off or unbearably painful! But maybe you can get him to using a carrot or stick approach. Perhaps even go with him, for moral support and to make sure that he's explaining the issue properly with the Dr?

I have also been in a sexless marriage for many years, but it’s getting better now.

After years pleading with him, me saying 1000 times I couldn’t understand what was wrong with him, begging him to be open with me, and him saying he didn’t understand it either (like with yours, not even taking Viagra would work), he recently confessed to me he was addicted to porn.

He has now quit and does meditation now and then, which is helping him control his thoughts and anxiety around it.

At the moment we’re only having oral sex,
which is fine with me, but I hope things will progressively get back to ‘normal’.

I had an affair years ago because of this but I eventually ended it as it wasn’t how I wanted to live my life. It also made me value many positives in my husband and decided to stay with him and work on our relationship.

Please sit down with him and don’t accept evasive answers, there must be a reason, whether physical or psychological, for his ED.

You have a family together and if you think that you could be happy with him if your sexy life improved, I think it’s worth trying to get to the bottom of his problems.

If he has been like this ever since you met and resists all attempts to do anything about it then tbh it's hard to imagine him changing now. It's very surprising he finds it physically difficult to DTD and shows no interest in doing so, most guys in their 30s need to - ahem - release regularly and often and would find it difficult NOT to do it after a few days without. And even if he is not keen himself he should understand your needs and be open to creative ways of satisfying them. That is what a loving partner should do.

Most people have a physical and psychological need for sex and a LTR is usually much happier and more successful if both sides are satisfied in the bedroom. Which, like everything else in a relationship, involves communication, compromise and willingness to see the other person's point of view.

I could have written this op. Exactly the same situation here except we ended up doing ivf for our first child, and the second was a “one hit wonder” which also coincided with the last time we had sex (7.5 years ago). My frustration has turned to hatred and I can’t stand him anymore. He is also an angry man, probably because he is unhappy too, so he is horrid to the kids. He is also addicted to spending money on himself to make him feel better about himself, but never thinks about the kids or I. Such a dysfunctional marriage and a complete lie to those who see us as the perfect family. This year I am going to be brave and tell him I want a divorce. I was going to do it on Boxing Day, then New Years Day, but keep chickening out for fear of having to sort everything out that comes with divorce. I think one day I’m just going to blurt it out and see how he reacts. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t think it will get better for you ...

I'm in the same position (no pun intended) in that I'm in a sexless marriage, but not due to ED. It's just that dh couldn't give a monkeys about me as a woman. When we've talked about it, he says he hasn't tried anything with me for years because I once said it hurt, and he didn't want to do anything that would hurt me. This is an absolute excuse, as there is so much more to sex, and all kinds of intimacy, than PIV. So now, I cannot stand him and although we still sleep in the same bed, I stay as far to the edge as possible to avoid our bodies touching. He thinks I'm cold and unfeeling, but this couldn't be further from the truth, I would love a proper sex life and to feel like a woman with a man to adore me. So because of this, like you OP, I feel crushed. He seems happy to plod on, I don't want to plod on, but what's the alternative? Divorce, which is very very scary, despite how common it is.
@Icantbelieveitsnotnutter I also question whether dh is gay. He seems to have no need for sex, but little things make me think it's possibly just that he doesn't have feelings for women.
@Fudgsicles I have found myself agreeing with everything you've said on various things the past couple of days. I cannot face another 40 years with a housemate. I had also convinced myself sex was not that important, and I genuinely thought married couples just didn't bother with it, and that it was all fantasy movie stuff. How wrong I was! It is important, we're all human beings! I need it, and if dh doesn't, what am I supposed to do?
@Zupermumm I totally get this too. We've got two kids, and pretty much a 100% success rate! Last time we dtd was when our son was conceived almost exactly ten years ago. I'm also frustrated to the point of hatred. It's a relief to come to work, and I dread going home. He gets stressed with his work, often swearing in front of the kids as he works in the living room, and within 10 seconds of getting home, I can feel myself getting so wound up and angry, but I stay quiet to keep the peace. He too is always on ebay buying stuff for himself.
For all of us posting here, I don't think it is going to get any better, and we need to face up to the fact we're going to have to change our lives, no matter how hard it is.
@Floridakilos I feel so sad for you, because I know what this feels like. Apart from being best friends - I cannot stand the man now! But for you I can see it's hard to have to make a decision that to those on the outside might seem crazy. But it's your life, and you know how you feel. People can split up and still get on well, sometimes better than before. And if he cares about you, he must realise you have needs and you want to be happy and 'normal.' Good luck xx

I've been in similar shoes to you OP. Very similar - he was fine at first but gradually lost interest. I had a high sex drive but toned it down to try match what he was comfortable with. He didn't have any medical issues and his drive and organs worked fine when he wanted them to!

A 'partner' that couldn't/wouldn't/didn't want to try fix whatever the issue was. That was the part that hurt the most if I'm honest....that after my trying to resolve it, seek help, offer support to him. Then later the effects he could see that our situation caused me - the upset, distress and anxiety and often anger and resentment too. He STILL refused to do anything about it and just expected me to live like that.
In the same way you can't force a person to want sex with you - they can't force you to be celibate neither.
A relationship like this only works if you both agree to it.
Once my self esteem and confidence was pretty much at floor level and I didn't find him attractive anymore anyway, I had a situation where I was very tempted to have sex with someone else.
I realised that I didn't want that and that I had to end the relationship. So I did.
6 years out of the 7 we were together were spent sad and doubting myself.
Best thing I done was walk away from him.

As someone who has been in a sexless marriage I would say that your partner isn't being fair to you and quite selfish and expecting you to live like a monk is not what you signed up for. You have a few options: 1) talk to the other person and try and change it, 2) leave, or 3) have an affair.

I can't really recommend option 3 from personal experience, but thems the options.

Since he's not bothered about sex, would he have a problem with you getting it elsewhere?

Would be interested to hear if anyone has ever actually made it work. This is depressing reading so far!

This is a valid reason to end a marriage. You shouldn’t have to spend your life like this

There are so many threads on here about sexless marriages
Very sad
We are always led to believe men have affairs because their partners don’t want sex. But there are far more threads on here about men not wanting sex. Maybe women are becoming more open about it
It only works if both partners are happy with the situation.

Whose sake would you be staying for here; theirs or more likely yours because its somehow "easier"?.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Do not remain within such a marriage for the sake of the children, a lifestyle or out of some fear (unfounded) of being alone. You're really alone now in your marriage and what you are describing here is a marriage that should be over for your sake as well as your kids. Its a slow death by 1000 cuts that you are describing. Do not be afraid to take some responsibility here for your own happiness and move on with your life without him in it day to day.

What sort of relationship are you both modelling to your children; this is not the example they should be seeing and learning from is it?. Unloving or conflicted marriages often follow a lineage as they are passed down from generation to generation. And so the cycle continues. Is this what we really wish for our children? It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.”

Divorce is not failure OP but living in unhappiness is. Divorce, in and of itself, need not be harmful to children. It is when divorce becomes an adversarial process (and I cannot see him letting go of you all that easily because he has a cushy life with you) that may wreak further damage. Yet research indicates that most children adapt to their new circumstances within a few years. Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children.

I could have written so much of your post OP.

I wouldn't say I have an especially high sex drive, and during our relationship there have always been dry spells - but nothing that ever worried me, we were just busy with life, work, babies. However since DC2 he is just not even slightly interested. It's been about a year and a half, maybe more since I stopped trying to initiate, because the rejection was unbearable. He moved out of our bedroom. He won't talk about it. He doesn't seem even slightly interested in changing anything. There is no way he would consider counselling. I don't know what else I can do, and I think over the last couple of months I have started to come to terms with the fact that our marriage is over, even if we still live under the same roof.

There is no ED element, and he isn't into porn. When I think about it, he has always cared less about my needs. There are a few kinks I have wanted to explore in the past, he wasn't interested so we didn't. Fair enough, I wouldn't want anyone to do anything they were comfortable with. They are resigned to masturbatory fantasies. But when there was something he wanted to try I got on board, and did the leg work to make it happen.

Our future is either things stay as they are, and I become increasingly bitter and resentful, or we separate with all the upheaval and uncertainty that brings. Maybe I'm just a coward for not being able to pull the plug, to cause all that distress for my DC because of my "selfish needs". It's shit either way.