I have never posted before, so please excuse my ramblings
Two weeks before Christmas, my partner said he was leaving and had met someone else. We have been together for ten years, not married but have two beautiful little girls aged 3 and 9.
For a long time, I have been doing everything myself. He would even be away skiing with his friends on their birthdays. I have put up with being treated really badly - almost secretly by him - because I desperately wanted to give the girls the life we had together and the home they had lived in all their lives. Both my parents died a few years ago, and I think I was clinging to something - scared to be completely alone.
I can't quite put into words what I have been through all these years, but it involved him telling me I was rubbish, had no friends, nobody else would love me, controlling every penny when he is in the top 1 percent of earners, and waking up to him having sex with me regularly.
I lost myself for many years. I wore a pretend smile to everyone else. I looked for other things for me - I loved the girls, became a trustee for a few different charities, I ran my own business and then applied to join the police. I start my new job with the force shortly.
On Christmas Day, my ex-partner brought his gf to the house in front of our two little girls. It was horrendous. I asked her to leave and thankfully they did. They spend most their time together at her house now.
So now, I am waiting for court and trying to organise a home for the girls. My lawyer says I must stay in our family house, so that is what I am doing. Every day is really hard.
The girls have been amazing. I think in part because I did all the child care and they saw him for an hour or two at the weekend, when he wasn't doing all his hobbies or at the gym.
I do feel like a complete fool, and I'm scared. I do not know where we will be living or how everything will fit together.
I am very lucky that my best friend has agreed to come and live with us for a few years - to get through my training.
I think financially things will be ok in the end, but its like fighting a giant. He earns more in one month than I will earn as a police officer in a year. He has requested the minimum time to see the girls - though strangely he is asking for a mid week school night every other week and no weekends. The girls will not let him even brush their hair so I'm not sure how that's going to work.
I just need someone to say, things will be ok. Because I'm trying to be positive and I'm trying to keep everything together - but I'm like a swan paddling fast underneath. I haven't really told many people because I feel so ashamed.