How to deal with sulking partner

[Saltedhero]

Feeling very sad,partner and I have been together 11years living together for 5. Always had bit of a feisty Relationship (no violence) due to us both being headstrong and liking our own way etc etc.

I've struggled with depression &anxiety most of my life but have had counselling, meds, support to help.
90% of the time my other half is lovely, caring, supportive, loves my two daughters 15,12, from previous relationship, financially stable, practical and we jog along just fine.

He can be very opinionated and suffers from stress due to a high pressured Job.

However, if I do something impulsive or make a bad choice or decision that he doesn't agree with, he can blow up, leads to a huge argument and then the sulking starts. Could be a day or can be 3 days, he will ignore me, shut down and it's very uncomfortable to live with. I have tried numerous times to deal with this.
I've tried to coax him out out of it, either by laughter, nice meal, give him space, or as a last result stay out of his way and just carry on, whilst feeling in knots inside and terribly upset. To cut a long story short this has been a pattern for years, it did get better for a while, but since lockdown it's happening again.

This last time he's taken himself off to his parent's 2 weeks ago after a argument and a period of sulking!

We are talking a bit via email but just don't know where this leaves us for the future, there's only so much I can keep from my girl's they aren't stupid. I love him, but am seriously asking myself can a couple move forward from this to a healthy happy Relationship with emotional closeness and better communication?? I just am so tired of all this childish sulking in a man of 51. Any advice I'd love to hear please Xxx

[Wanderlusto]

Good points dont outweigh being a manipulative, sulking shit.

You only get one life op. Dont waste another second of it with someone who doesnt even like you. Because he doesn't.

[MixMatch]

@Saltedhero

I have a younger brother who's never liked him and said he's controlling and always has to be right.

Listen to what family members, who only have your best interests at heart, say.

[Giraffey1]

OP. There are so many sad signs here.
You admit you are walking on eggshells. You shouldn’t have to do this in any relationship, much less a marriage.
You make excuses to friends as to why you can’t go out with them because HE doesn’t like them . You don’t even go and see them by yourself! This is not right or fair.
You say he has supported you through mental health issues, miscarriage etc. Does he need a medal? No, it’s what people do in healthy relationships, care for and look after one another. They don’t sulk and go off for days or weeks at a time.
Sulking is not the reaction of a mature adult, why are you accepting this as somehow ok because he nice to you some of the time?
You say your children don’t know how he is, I bet they do.
Why are you settling for being thrown the scraps of a relationship?
You say it isn’t easy to split, for all sorts of reasons. Of course it isn’t but that is not a good enough reason not to consider breaking up.
Do you want to be living like this for next 2/5/10/40 years?
Oh, and this talk of bring too old to start again, it’s tosh. You do not need a man in your life to have happiness, but you are only 41!
You deserve better and do, for sure, do your dc.

[evenBetter]

Another post all about him. People replying are wasting their time here.
No, counselling an abuser is a fucking terrible idea, of course. You need to stoop this shit right away. Are your kids having counselling? They’ll need it. Look into that, stop obsessing over your shit boyfriend, jfc.

[BlueThistles]

@evenBetter

Another post all about him. People replying are wasting their time here.
No, counselling an abuser is a fucking terrible idea, of course. You need to stoop this shit right away. Are your kids having counselling? They’ll need it. Look into that, stop obsessing over your shit boyfriend, jfc.

Agreed

[Narniacalling]

Bit harsh

[Mix56]

Remember he is working as much for himself as for anyone else.
If you left would he halt all renovations.
A job is a job, all people do it married ir not.
My H always threw that in my face, the truth is, he did it before I came along, & will do it after i'm gone.
Once again, does he sulk with his work colleagues? Doubtful.
It is a tactic to get what he wants, show disapproval & dominate.
He may have a good side, but what overrides it all is you walking on egg shells to appease his manipulation

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

You are confusing love here with codependency; why are his needs here more important than yours or for that matter your children's?. You are putting him above you and your children. Your relationship bar here is so low its practically non existent and that allowed your abuser into your life as well. Your brother was and remains right re this man.

Counselling ON YOUR OWN will help you no end.

[C0NNIE]

@Saltedhero

Maybe counselling would help

I agree with PP, counselling for you ( alone ) would be very useful. And/ or for your teenage daughters - I’m concerned about the impact this will have on them and how they’re being taught that women need to do what men say otherwise they deserve to be abused.

But as I said upthread, counselling won’t “ help” your partner - by help I assume you mean “ make him change against his will”. It’s hard enough to change your whole personality / world view / way of dealing with people even when you WANT TO and with professional help. It’s IMPOSSIBLE to force anyone else to change when they don’t want to.

He is HAPPY with the way things are. Why should he change ? It’s working for him. YOU are the person with the problem, not him.

[HappydaysArehere]

Ignore him. Do not make any approach. Tell the children he is having a sulking hissy fit and we are going to let him get on with it. Bullies need to stood up to and not supported.

[evenBetter]

Was that meant for me narnia ? I can assure you it’s nowhere near harsh enough. My own mother prioritised cock and forced me to live with a male like this, it has damaged me for life, as I wrote in a previous comment. So yeah, it appalls me that others are having to endure the same. HTH

[duggeeismynewbestfriend]

@Saltedhero I have been where you are. Thinking that only if you tried harder, found the right combination,
Made your needs so small that you could have this wonderful life that you are just on the edge of. If only he could, I'd only he would, it's co-dependency. I thought because i loved him it was my job to fix him, make it better and bring the circumstances about where we could be happy.

After 8 years, a marriage I realised that it wasn't me. I couldn't fix him or us no matter what I did. He abs his actions were outside of my control.

I didn't owe anyone anything. Other than to decide what was acceptable to me.

And I realised how he believed wasn't acceptable

But like the frog in the slower heating pan that doesn't realise how bad it is. That's you at the minute. All these women are trying to tell you.

You can't change him. He won't change. This is who he is.

The best comment I have ever read is that imagine your relationship like the best cho of tea to mmm you have ever seen. It's just the right temp, sweetness, milk etc. You sit down to drink it and then you realise there is shit in your tea. The whole thing is ruined. You can't drink tea with shit in it no matter how nice, how sweet it is. The whole tea is ruined.

That' is your relationship and it is ruined, the shite is his blatant emotional abuse of you that you can't see.

You are selecting all the good of the relationship and trying to drink it down with the shit but it doesn't work.

I couldn't see or hear the reality of my situation for years. And you can't either at the minute.

But at least allow the possibility into your mind that how he behaves isn't ok and that you are struggling to copy with it.

Therapy and yoga helped me.

Maybe think about it. Just think.

I know it's so hard when you are in a complete fail spin trying to bring back the status quo.

Please just think maybe everyone on here saying the same thing might have a point

[duggeeismynewbestfriend]

Sorry for all the typos. On the phone next to sleeping DC and clearly going blind