How to deal with sulking partner

[Saltedhero]

Feeling very sad,partner and I have been together 11years living together for 5. Always had bit of a feisty Relationship (no violence) due to us both being headstrong and liking our own way etc etc.

I've struggled with depression &anxiety most of my life but have had counselling, meds, support to help.
90% of the time my other half is lovely, caring, supportive, loves my two daughters 15,12, from previous relationship, financially stable, practical and we jog along just fine.

He can be very opinionated and suffers from stress due to a high pressured Job.

However, if I do something impulsive or make a bad choice or decision that he doesn't agree with, he can blow up, leads to a huge argument and then the sulking starts. Could be a day or can be 3 days, he will ignore me, shut down and it's very uncomfortable to live with. I have tried numerous times to deal with this.
I've tried to coax him out out of it, either by laughter, nice meal, give him space, or as a last result stay out of his way and just carry on, whilst feeling in knots inside and terribly upset. To cut a long story short this has been a pattern for years, it did get better for a while, but since lockdown it's happening again.

This last time he's taken himself off to his parent's 2 weeks ago after a argument and a period of sulking!

We are talking a bit via email but just don't know where this leaves us for the future, there's only so much I can keep from my girl's they aren't stupid. I love him, but am seriously asking myself can a couple move forward from this to a healthy happy Relationship with emotional closeness and better communication?? I just am so tired of all this childish sulking in a man of 51. Any advice I'd love to hear please Xxx

[Hadalifeonce]

Do you want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells? Worried incase something you say or do sends him into a silk? Please don't do this, you will break before he does, he will be the same to your girls, and you won't have the strength to protect them. He has gone now, make sure it stays that way, and build a better life for the three of you, your mental health will improve, and you will be there for your girls

[Hadalifeonce]

Sulk not silk

[Santaiscovidfree]

Imo needing to micro manage an adult's behaviour puts you in the zone of a dm jollyiing along a stubborn toddler... Op you have 2 dc already.
2 weeks after I threw my dh a switch clicked and I realised how amazing it felt without him.

[Saltedhero]

Thanks all he said Relationships are a journey and he's supported me during hard times, bereavement, miscarriage, broken leg and he asks for me to show an open mind so he can work through all his difficulties, he has 2 Sons from a previous gf he pays for but doesn't see, they now live overseas. He cuts people off dead if they do something to make him annoyed, he's not to forgiving and shows little compassion. He's not always miserable just stressed and works well into the early hours and weekends.

[billy1966]

OP,

The real question is, who is more important?

This awful sulking man that you have tip toed around for a decade or your two daughters?

Take him back and stay with him....you will have a miserable life as he just gets worse, you will be rightly judged harshly by your poor innocent children as they look back on their stressful childhood.

You will be the mother who put herself ahead of her children because of an awful man....

The choice is yours.

[tenlittlecygnets]

I don't want to throw away 11year's but he just can't see how damaging this sulking can be to our family.

Better than wasting 15 years, 22 years...

Google the sunken costs fallacy, op.

I'd leave the manipulative sulking baby.

[Guiltypleasures001]

Wait until your dd reaches the teen years where they are pushing back

He won't like that

[RandomMess]

So he shows no tolerance but you should to him?

[MiniCooperLover]

Christ OP, you're 41. If you want to be miserable and walking on eggshells for another possible 40 years carry on. Otherwise dump him! I hope your finances aren't entwined.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He is a poor excuse for a human being. As he “supported” you he feels that he now owns you. His history re his sons is appalling and he has also now cut you off because you annoy him. This man has truly left a trail of misery and pain in his wake but even now you’re making excuses for him citing work pressures and stress. Why?. Is he really this important to you, more than your girls?. What are they learning about relationships here from you and this man you parachuted into their lives?.

Your so called journey with him should be at an end. If you take him back it will merely be the latest in a long line of poor judgments you have made re him.

[combatbarbie]

He's a bully and it's a form of abuse, he needs to grow up and learn to treat people the way he expects to be treated himself.

[C0NNIE]

@Saltedhero

Thank you Celticmissy, he won't come to our home to talk face to face because of the covid rules and he's obviously bubbled with his parent's and brother. It's so frustrating as I don't want to throw away 11year's but he just can't see how damaging this sulking can be to our family.

It makes me tread on eggshells as I don't know if I'll spark him off. Then when he's ready to forgive after I've felt punished I'm not to forthcoming.

He DOES see how damaging it is to you . He sees the effect it has on your mental health. He just doesn't care, because it’s working for him. It keeps you in line, so you do what he wants most of the time. You live in fear of him and his moods and sulks.

He won’t change because it’s working for him. It doesn't matter how many emails you send him and how much time you give him, how much you explain it and how many tears you shed. How many counsellors he talks to and how many self help books you buy him.

This is who he is, it’s how he has treated people his whole life. He has totally cut off his own children - what did they do to deserve that ?

[3rdNamechange]

I'd tell him to stay at his mothers. You'll just be waiting for the next time. Sulking and silent treatment is abuse.

[Narniacalling]

Fuck me. He sounds worse and worse
There is a poster on here who had a sulker - can’t remember her name. If anyone else can link the multiple threads that would be good. You need to read them

[Palavah]

@Saltedhero

Thanks for replying
My daughters love him, and have a very good relationship with him and I've somehow managed to hide a lot of the behavior
So this makes it harder as I don't want my girls to suffer a family break up

It is worse for them to suffer from walkong on eggshells for fear of their own father throwing a tantrum and then walking out on them for a fortnight.

I agree you won't be able to change his behaviour. Stop trying to placate him. Stop corresponding with him about anything except critical childcare. Pack his stuff into a bag, drop it off at his parents' place and ask him to suggest a schedule for 50/50 childcare.

[3rdNamechange]

@Palavah they aren't his kids , so no need to communicate ever again. OP , I'm sure your MH will improve massively when you're not walking on eggshells half the time.

[Wanderlusto]

If they arent even his kids then gosh, why all the stress about dumping the asshole! Relationships are meant to make your life easier not harder. If they are just for company (no kids) then when the fun stops, stop.

[CandyLeBonBon]

Sorry op. I had one of these. It destroys you. I know you think you can't leave, and that it could improve. But it won't.

[Santaiscovidfree]

Can't imagine why his ex took the dc and buggared off can you?

[BlueThistles]

It's ALL about Him....

OP please see your self worth... and not just a emotional punch bag for this abusive creep 🌺

[evenBetter]

Your reply was all about him. You need to change your mindset and focus if not on yourself, on your kids who are being damaged by having this trash in their home. Have an open mind all you want, away from your abusive boyfriend, or keep up this farce of a relationship (cycle of abuse) entirely separate to your kids , don’t have him in the house, don’t speak about him, it’s not ok to inflict your awful choice onto your kids. Obviously.

[Santaiscovidfree]

Basically you are saying you need to be more grateful he is still around...
Fuck that.

[Saltedhero]

Am taking on board all of your responses, thank you. I do love him, he has lots of good ways too.. He has worked so hard to make a decent derelict house into a home. Cooks, helps with my daughters, and can be very kind. No one is perfect, I have faults, if he can get past this we have so much going for us and have so many positive plans for the future. Maybe on here it's easy to just right someone off as they only hear the post writers side.

[Saltedhero]

Maybe counselling would help

[Narniacalling]

Counselling would help. Without a doubt.
On your own.