How to deal with sulking partner

[Saltedhero]

Feeling very sad,partner and I have been together 11years living together for 5. Always had bit of a feisty Relationship (no violence) due to us both being headstrong and liking our own way etc etc.

I've struggled with depression &anxiety most of my life but have had counselling, meds, support to help.
90% of the time my other half is lovely, caring, supportive, loves my two daughters 15,12, from previous relationship, financially stable, practical and we jog along just fine.

He can be very opinionated and suffers from stress due to a high pressured Job.

However, if I do something impulsive or make a bad choice or decision that he doesn't agree with, he can blow up, leads to a huge argument and then the sulking starts. Could be a day or can be 3 days, he will ignore me, shut down and it's very uncomfortable to live with. I have tried numerous times to deal with this.
I've tried to coax him out out of it, either by laughter, nice meal, give him space, or as a last result stay out of his way and just carry on, whilst feeling in knots inside and terribly upset. To cut a long story short this has been a pattern for years, it did get better for a while, but since lockdown it's happening again.

This last time he's taken himself off to his parent's 2 weeks ago after a argument and a period of sulking!

We are talking a bit via email but just don't know where this leaves us for the future, there's only so much I can keep from my girl's they aren't stupid. I love him, but am seriously asking myself can a couple move forward from this to a healthy happy Relationship with emotional closeness and better communication?? I just am so tired of all this childish sulking in a man of 51. Any advice I'd love to hear please Xxx

[TatianaBis]

I think the real question is why you've stayed with him so long. And why when he sulks you question what you have done not him.

Your brother is right, he's controlling. You haven't shielded your girls from this, that's an illusion, they're around you both all the time, they know exactly what he's like.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

"I'm not easy to live with, have ups and downs with my mental health, he has been very supportive of that. So when he acts like this, I'm actually questioning my own sanity & asking myself what did I do so badly".

Its not you, its him.

I would not think he has been at all supportive of your mental health here. He has merely used any existing mental health issues you have against you and I would think your MH will lift if you were to get him out of your life permanently. I would also think you have been pyschologically abused (the film gaslight describes this type of abuse very well) continuously in your relationship too which makes you question your own reality. He is a manipulative leech of a man who has and will continue to suck you dry if you let him back into your life.

[hellswelshy]

My dh was a sulker in the early days of our relationship. I totally ignored him & told him straight we either talked it through or he could sulk alone like a child. Anyway, he got the message as I was adamant from the start I wouldn't put up with it. Please don't accept this immature and cruel behaviour, you deserve more.

[TatianaBis]

41 is very young OP.

If you've lost confidence I'd wager this relationship plays a significant part in that.

You're not starting over - your kids, your job, your life continue as they always have - you would just be offloading a major source of stress and anxiety.

[Mix56]

What else does he do? Does he make comments about what you wear, or get sullen & disapproving if you go out with girlfriends ?
Sulking is deliberate, does he do it at work ? of course not. Its a deliberate tactic to punish & control you.
You DS will have already seen how he gets you walking on egg shells.
I would tell him if he doesn't come back & try to discuss this as adults after TWO weeks of sulking, you are done. & mean it.

[Oreservoir]

So your dp destroys your mental health by acting like a twat and then supports your mental health when you behave for him?

[BumbleBiscuit]

Sulking is emotionally abusive not to mention fucking pathetic. I wouldn’t tolerate it in my marriage. He’d be out!! Luckily my husband knows how to communicate like an adult so it isn’t an issue.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Attila he was so charming in the early day's, we both met though our tennis club after his divorce. I was single.

Such men can be charming, extremely so to their target. These types make for being abusive"

"I just don't know if I have the strength to end it, as at 41 with two daughters it will be terribly hard to start over. (sorry sound's so lame)"

And yes it is indeed lame. You know that to be true. You even now have a choice re this man, they do not. What's wrong at 41 with starting over?. You're still young really so do not let age stop you. Also the last thing you need for the time being is yet another relationship, you will need much time (perhaps a couple of years now) to recover from his abuses of you.

"I'm just not very mentally strong at the moment even the office at my work have commented on my mental health. I'm making mistakes and have lost confidence"

He is the root cause of all that in you and that was his intention all along. Start talking to trusted people also like Womens Aid about him. You have taken also a small but important step in writing about him on here; you know his treatment of you is wrong. Abuse like you describe thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now and get support from the likes too of your younger brother.

[Wanderlusto]

Your mental health will improve tenfold without a manipulative twat in your life.

Think of it as a new adventure, regaining freedom, setting a good example for your girls. It's a positive thing. Sure it might be q bit like ripping a plaster off on the beginning...but itll mean you'll be able to breathe freely again. Worth it!

[Saltedhero]

You're all so kind, thank you all for replying. When he left he was emailing how much he loved me, the girls our future and he was so sorry he acted like that and stormed out. I actually found the courage to email him a list of points I felt about all the thing's that are so very wrong in our relationship, to try and get him to understand in a calm way and he could improve on these thing's and perhaps we could work through them together.
Instead, he's now acting quite cold towards me and doesn't look like he even cares.

[TatianaBis]

You don't really expect him to change do you OP? No-one is that naive surely?

He is how he is. He won't want to change. He's not going to like being given a list of his faults.

Either the relationship works as things stand or it doesn't.

[Wanderlusto]

He is punishing you extra for trying to fix things. He doesn't want to fix things. The argument is over only when he says it is..which will be when he feels you have been punished enough.

Take back control op. Use the time he is gone to get your ducks in a row!

[Saltedhero]

Not directly he doesn't tell me what to wear or what girlfriends I can see. But he doesn't like my friend's husband so we can never go out with them socially and I have to make excuses all the time as to why we can't go when we get asked. That would cause sulking so I avoid it.

[Oreservoir]

He wanted you to tell him its not his fault and you will do better.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He has never loved you nor actually cared for you. He was only in this relationship at all for his own self (he basically wanted a woman to look after him, the more kind hearted and or easily manipulated the better) and I would think his ex wife copped the same level of abuse from him. She got rid of him and ultimately you need to do the same as she did. Do not let your age stop you, your fears are unfounded.

[Mix56]

So basically engineering it so that you are ostracized from your friends, & if not will sulk. do you see a pattern here ?

[billy1966]

OP,
He is a huge part of your mental health issues.

You are also lying to yourself if you think your girls don't see exactly what is going on.

Why are you putting this horrible man ahead of your daughter's?

Your brother has the measure of him.

He has sucked you in and you have walked on eggshells for years.

Your poor children.

Another mother putting an abusive man ahead of them.

You will regret your choosing to humour him ahead of your children.

He's moved out now.

He should stay out of the house and you should stop trying to fix this prick and start focusing on your children.

10 years is a huge chunk of their childhood living with this sulking teenager.

[Cosmos45]

@BumbleBiscuit - couldn't agree more. I would not tolerate an adult sulking and not talking to me. How pathetically childish. I would have got rid the first time he did it. Probably not helpful for you OP but I simply could not live like this personally.

[Santaiscovidfree]

My exh was a sulking man child. He ruined my 40th birthday by insisting the guests left early as he wanted to play xbox - he demanded a new game as why should the day be just about me?
He was an exh before my 41st.
I met and married a man on my 44th birthday who is actually the age he claims to be not a sullen teenager.
He was 31..

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

He does not like your friend's husband eh?. This so called partner of yours thinks you're going to run off with your friend's H, this is perhaps why he thinks this. You've sadly enabled his further control of you by colluding with it and otherwise making excuses to him and your friend. When you've made such excuses and "placated" your partner how does that feel to you; it does not make you feel good. It also gives this man a green light to further control you.

[user1174147897]

@Saltedhero

Not directly he doesn't tell me what to wear or what girlfriends I can see. But he doesn't like my friend's husband so we can never go out with them socially and I have to make excuses all the time as to why we can't go when we get asked. That would cause sulking so I avoid it.

That's how abuse works.

He is an abuser.

[Saltedhero]

He said we have both become complacent in our relationship and he didn't like his faults being played back to him. He says he loves me and can see how he has hurt me. I want to believe so much that he can change and I'm willing to put the effort in, but I have now reached a point of feeling broken

[litterbird]

"This last time he's taken himself off to his parent's 2 weeks ago after a argument and a period of sulking!"

Sorry OP your marriage is virtually over already. Forget the emails of undying love. Its BS. No husband who confesses such love is abusive as your husband is. You are so young at 41...he is in his 50's he will never ever change but get worse. Your brother has sussed him out. Take a big deep breath and look at your options. You dont have to exit the marriage immediately but make plans to leave when you are ready. It takes time to process this and slowly but surely the realisation of how abusive your husband is will start to sink in once the blinkers come off. Be gentle with yourself...this really isn't you, its him.

[TatianaBis]

Why do you want to believe he can change? What's the point of believing a falsehood when you're already in a difficult situation?

[WhatsAParlay]

That's deflection, a classic abuser technique. He doesn't like it when you call him out so he deflects the complaint onto you, making you culpable and then punishes you for it. I was married to a twat like this, stayed much longer in the relationship than I should have for all the reasons you have listed. Eventually there was a straw that broke the camel's back and I divorced him. I am so glad I did. I have never regretted it for a second.