How to deal with sulking partner

[Saltedhero]

Feeling very sad,partner and I have been together 11years living together for 5. Always had bit of a feisty Relationship (no violence) due to us both being headstrong and liking our own way etc etc.

I've struggled with depression &anxiety most of my life but have had counselling, meds, support to help.
90% of the time my other half is lovely, caring, supportive, loves my two daughters 15,12, from previous relationship, financially stable, practical and we jog along just fine.

He can be very opinionated and suffers from stress due to a high pressured Job.

However, if I do something impulsive or make a bad choice or decision that he doesn't agree with, he can blow up, leads to a huge argument and then the sulking starts. Could be a day or can be 3 days, he will ignore me, shut down and it's very uncomfortable to live with. I have tried numerous times to deal with this.
I've tried to coax him out out of it, either by laughter, nice meal, give him space, or as a last result stay out of his way and just carry on, whilst feeling in knots inside and terribly upset. To cut a long story short this has been a pattern for years, it did get better for a while, but since lockdown it's happening again.

This last time he's taken himself off to his parent's 2 weeks ago after a argument and a period of sulking!

We are talking a bit via email but just don't know where this leaves us for the future, there's only so much I can keep from my girl's they aren't stupid. I love him, but am seriously asking myself can a couple move forward from this to a healthy happy Relationship with emotional closeness and better communication?? I just am so tired of all this childish sulking in a man of 51. Any advice I'd love to hear please Xxx

[ScaredOfDinosaurs]

You can't change him, but you could possibly change yourself - and I don't say that lightly, it is very hard to take a deep look at yourself sometimes especially when you are feeling ground down by things.

What does he gain by acting like this? He gets everything his own way.
He won't change as long as the strategy is working for him. Think about what that says about how he really sees you - words mean fuck all, what does the behaviour tell you?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Now he is doing the usual abuser script of making his abuse of you yours to try and further take ownership of and or otherwise try and "solve". This is not a WE problem, this is all he and he alone. His abusive behaviours are something he will never apologise to you about nor even take any responsibility for.

Feeling broken is how he wanted you all along to feel, he has put you in that hole. He does not love you and never has. He also hates women, all of them and that would also include your daughters.

[BlueThistles]

oh my goodness

this is awful to read.. OP you have slipped quietly into an abusive relationship and please don't kid yourself that your kids haven't noticed ...

your Brother is correct 🌺

[Onthedunes]

You can't actually deal with a sulking partner, not possible.

Never known one to be reformed.
You can try but you are wasting your time.

If you want happiness get rid of him, he will suck the life out of you, and the joy out of life.

[Saltedhero]

I would probably be telling the American to someone else in my situation, but when you're in it and emotionally involved and invested time, emotionally and financially it's not easy.

[Saltedhero]

#same.... Sorry typo

[GingerBeverage]

I actually found the courage to email him a list of points I felt about all the thing's that are so very wrong in our relationship, to try and get him to understand in a calm way and he could improve on these thing's and perhaps we could work through them together.


He understands, OP. He knows exactly what he's doing and why he does it. He does it because controlling you and the children suits him best. Explaining nicely to him won't work because he is actively deciding to get what he wants by manipulating you.
This will not change.

[Amdone123]

@Saltedhero
Why does he not like his faults being played back to him?
Does he not have appraisals in his stressful job?
How are you suppose to move on from this if the problems are not highlighted?
Its clear to me he doesn't like you using your brain or evaluating the situation. That's scaring him.

[HollowTalk]

You might find your mental health massively improves if you get rid of this man. No wonder you're having problems - you are treading on eggshells, he's gaslighting you, you're apologising for things you haven't done... Who would be mentally healthy in that situation?

Never mind your children for the moment. This is really bad for you and so you need to end it. You'll be happier and they will be happy.

[yogamatted]

He sounds awful, you are worthy of much better treatment. Let him stay gone, for the sake of you and your lovely girls. Life will be better that way

[Bananalanacake]

So while he's away on this 2 week sulk you can go out socially with your friend and her husband, or are you scared to in case he finds out.

[StiffyByng1]

He’s gone, let him stay gone! Your girls likely know more than you think. If you just let yourself be for a minute and sit in the stillness I bet you’d see you’re actually happier and more relaxed when he’s not around.

[Cosyjimjamsforautumn]

He's using emotional blackmail of sulking and withdrawing to control you. Is this the sort of relationship you want to model and normalise for your DDs, let alone live and grow old with. Really?
He wont change and i think you need to draw the line in the sand with this relationship. If it happens again line up your ducks

[evenBetter]

His words are irrelevant, he’s just an abusive boyfriend that you’re forcing into your poor kids home. Like me, they’ll be feeling like home isn’t a safe place, a haven, they’ll have cortisol and adrenaline flooding their developing brains, damaging them for life, they’ll be learning to pander to abusers, keep ‘the peace’, and white hot rage at the boyfriend, feeling like they have to protect you from him, but unable to do so. Then the anger towards you will rise up, for making them live like this. I don’t bother with my mother now, if you put a boyfriend before your kids, reap the consequences. You may not think that’s what you’re doing ‘but-but-‘ that’s exactly what you’re doing.

[Onthedunes]

For every explanation you are giving him about your feelings, and your hurt he is laughing at what you are saying.

I'm sorry if that sounds harsh op, but really thats what they do, they may pay lip service for a bit, but it's not real, he doesn't care.
Don't take it personally he can't care about anybody, just himself.

The reality is, he is horrible and you don't believe it.
He knows full well he's nasty and manipulative, he's chosen you because you are an empath.

Manipulating narc.

[billy1966]

He's not going to change.

Why would he?

By all means go the easy route and allow this awful man back into your home.

But when your daughter's tell you the truth about your choices and how it ruined their childhood, you will deserve every single bit of their disgust.

You can choose not to allow this awful man destroy anymore of their childhood, but that would involve you putting your children FIRST, ahead of your needs....something you clearly haven't done for 10 years.

[MossandRoy]

To quote the Soup Dragons:
Don't be afraid of your freedom!

My ex was a twatty sulked, I'm a liberated woman now, never happier.

[harknesswitch]

I agree with your brother op, I think he is controlling and he is using his sulking as a way to get you to comply.

He also knows what he's doing. Does he blow up and sulk with people at work? No? So why can't he control it at home? The answer is, he can, he just chooses not to.

I strongly suspect your mental health issues were what first attracted you to him and they got worse and continued as part of this relationship. I suspect if you left it would also get an awful lot better

[harknesswitch]

*him to you

[LannieDuck]

I agree with your brother. He's using sulking as a tool to punish you for daring to have any negative opinions of him.

If you haven't read the threads by jamaisjedors, she's had quite a saga with her sulking ex-DH.

[Crazybunnylady123]

He’s already left, don’t let him come back. Jobs done really! Sounds like a miserable bastard to me.
You feel like you won’t meet anyone else, your still young enough to meet a lovely person and start again. Don’t wait another 10 years and then regret it.
Plenty of things you can immerse yourself with, a new hobby, new clothes, re decorate your house.

[BlingLoving]

OP, this is really sad. He has moved out and is refusing to come home because of Covid rules? FFS, he LIVES in YOUR house, the rules say he should be there, not with his parents. You need to a accept this relationship is over. Obviously, he's doing it because he wants you so desperate that you'll agree to anything, promise to be better and absolutelyy concede to any and all of his demands in the future but please, think about this - he just upped and left for 2 weeks, is giving no indication of when he might come back and clearly thinks this is okay? Of course it's not okay.

And am not surprised at all that he tries to control who you see and when. Classic behaviour.

What about bills and costs while he's living elsewhere? Are you just supposed to get on with it without him/

[wewereliars]

He will not change, he will get worse every year throughout his fifties. Been there seen it done it. End it or you risk losing your daughters as they reach adulthood. He does not care about you, or anything but himself. You cannot do anything about that. Leaving is very hard and very very worth it. x

[classiestgal]

It’s not healthy. It’s abusive and you can do better

[Lovelydiscusfish]

Babe, he’s a cunt. I had a sulker too. Gave me two years of on-and-off Hell. To the point I would be breaking down in work, and all my friends had to somehow prop me up..... I remember it got to a point where my best friend had to go and buy me drinks, to keep me alive, because I couldn’t eat without vomiting, so strung out had that man got me......

He finally sulked so hard that he actually evicted me. Sent me back in a cab to my (then) estranged parents. And that was where I finally woke up. Of course, he finally recovered from his sulk (as these men do). Begged and pleaded me to come back. Well, I am sorry, man. No dice......

Fuck this shit, OP. Nobody needs it. Least of all you. Or your girls. Xxx