Regaining trust after cheating

[Premdalem]

My DP cheated on me in the summer, typical scenario of a work colleague. Things had gotten tough between us in the last year due to a new baby, so that was his excuse.
He told me, said how sorry he was, he didn’t love her, he loved me. So we tried again, then I had an inkling he was still in contact with her (they work for same company but not together) I asked him, he admitted it and said he felt guilt towards her as she’s being upset about it ending,was depressed, suicidal thoughts etc hence him contacting her again. So after a long chat he said he would block her and he showed me.

How do I get the trust back? Is it possible? Every time I see him online I assume he is talking to her, due to him lying in the past. He is not the most open person with his feelings which makes it harder.

Please no LTB comments, constructive opinions on regaining that trust.

If he were truly remorseful he would be more invested in your healing and he would not have resumed contact with OW. Why on earth do you not have access to his phone? Open access to devices is a basic requirement of affair recovery.

The fact that he blew his second chance and continued to prioritize OW speaks volumes and is a good predictor of things to come. You and the baby deserve an emotionally safe home, but it appears that he is not interested in providing that.

I buried all my feelings for 25 years, during that time there were other women online and in real life. I raised our son and built a fulfilling career. I spent time with friends and turned a blind eye.
When I retired I had the time and space to open my Pandora’s box and look inside. 6 months ago I left. We were together for 36 years. I wish I’d left earlier when I was young enough to heal.

@Premdalem How do I get the trust back? Is it possible?

You don’t!! Hell no! You’ll spend the rest of your life wondering. It’s over, whether you end it now or in 5 years your relationship now has a death sentence attached to it.

If it was one drunken fumble then ‘maybe’ but repeatedly shagging someone else! Game over!

You don't get trust back. It's not up to you to do it.

He has to earn trust back and by the sounds of it isn't doing that.
That makes me think that he's relying on the fact that you'll just forgive him one day - probably opening up the possibility that he'll do it again.

Continuing with the same woman after you found out was key when I read it - he just isn't bothered that you know, that you're hurt or that you're at home raising his baby while he's more bothered about the OW.

Tahoe your opportunity, while you have so few logistical issues, and get out while you can.
Show your child that being treated like a doormat isn't acceptable, nor something you'll tolerate.

Trust is earned, not gifted. He did wrong and should be the one bending over backwards for you. Every reasonable request should be honoured if he truly wants to gain your trust back. The mental health of his affair partner, while concerning, is not something he should be using as an excuse or something to guilt you with.
You say not to comment with LTB - what is tying you to this man?

I think that the trust can be regained, but the hurt never goes away. If you want to try and make it work it takes a lot of time and effort, especially knowing that he is prepared to change and rebuild.

My dh cheated when our dd was around 18 months or so. It was awful.
It was the second time I'd been suspicious and it was the 2nd time it turned out to be something.
I found text messages between them that implied some things, but obviously he admitted to the bare minimum so I still don't know how far it went.
I stayed, I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have, but then again I did end up with my son so I can't regret the choice I made.
I trust dh now, I don't worry about him online, with friends, evenings out etc.

However, I still hurt from what happened. The idea that he could do what he did makes me feel worthless. I don't think he ever really tried to make amends, there was no counselling, we haven't dealt with anything (I don't think anyway)
It has severely impacted me and as it's now been 5 years I don't feel like I am allowed to still hurt or be angry and I think dh would find talking about it frustrating and wonder why I'm not "over it" and why I'm bringing it up again.

Things are never the same again sadly and I made the stupid mistake of being the one to try and fix things even though ExH was the one who cheated. The OW mental health is her problem, she chose to shag a married man. He should be more concerned about YOUR mental health, like others have said I suspect it is a smokescreen.

It most likely is over OP, others may disagree but if he's done it once he can do it again. Leave now and build a secure future for you and your child.

“What is scaring me to end this? I’m not scared of being alone, I’ve done it before and probably took more care of myself when I was single. All of my energy seems to go into him.”

This tells you how bad he is for you - you have a tiny child and all your energy is going into this waste of space who actually had the gall to blame his infidelity on the fact that you were busy parenting your child rather than tending to his knees. Please get him gone. He’s a selfish, entitled manchild.