Getting a partner to leave ?

[DinosaurDiana]

My marriage has been dead from my side for years. He seems quite happy to jog along.
I recently had the big chat saying that I was happy to end the relationship (he doesn’t seem to have grasped the enormity of that statement) but he said he wanted to try again. I wasn’t asked if I wanted to try again, but it was a very uncomfortable conversation and I just wanted to get away from it.
Nothing has changed. I resent him more every day.
Ultimately I would like him to move out while we divorce, but I know he wouldn’t leave. Why should he, he is happy.
What should I do, what did you do ?
I can’t stand sharing a house and a bed for a year while it happens.

You can either reconfigure the house so that you’re able to have separate bedrooms / somebody sleeps in the living room; or you just have to take the reins and move out yourself - which is what I ended up doing. It was actually the best thing I could have done because it put me so many steps ahead in the process of moving on both practically and emotionally right from the start, and I could be far more objective about e.g. the house sale than I think I could otherwise have been because I wasn’t selling my home, just somewhere I used to live.

I’ve got children at home, and I’d like to buy him out to keep them in their home.

Unless there’s abuse, you really can’t say to someone “I want to break up, and by the way I also want you to get out of your home [though presumably still help pay for it?] so I can live here alone.”

I’m happy to buy him out. I’d just like to keep the kids in their home.
I can see I’m going to end up staying just to keep the kids here and it’s bringing me down.

If there's a spare room you need to move into it as you are the one wanting to leave, if there's not do you have a study you can put a bed in? The living room? Move the kids around to share? And yes he has no obligation to move out until the divorce is finalised and can want to keep the house himself of course. I think you need mediation to start with, proper communication, and work out a roadmap but remember it's his house and kids, he has opinions too - you could move out and he keeps the kids for instance? Don't assume you get the house and know dd it's not the 1970's.

You can begin the buying out process before the divorce itself is finalised, particularly if you’re both on the same page about keeping the children in their home and being amicable or even friendly co-parents for their sake.

It doesn’t sound like he’s accepted the marriage is over, so that’s the first priority. Couples counselling can be useful - not for trying to save the relationship but for being a neutral space where you can both be heard and negotiate how best to move forward. You may find once it sinks in that this is it, he’ll be more amenable to moving out.

He took early retirement and spends most of his time perusing his hobbies.
He gets up after 10 am every day.
He drinks a bottle of wine every day.
He snores.
We are two people living in a house. I don’t want my kids to think that this is ok.
He has said many times he will give up/cut down drinking, he doesn’t.
There’s just nothing there but I don’t see it as all my fault.
Stuff is broken in the house and he won’t fix it. If it was all my house I’d get someone in and get it fixed, but no.
After our chat he agreed for us both to decorate a lot of the house, nothing has been done.
I can’t work, do the housework and kids then decorate too. If he’s here he should contribute.

Start divorce proceedings. Tell everyone you are getting divorced.
Arrange to live in different rooms of the house if possible until he leaves.
Don't sit chatting to him except about divorce. If he comes and sits with you, talk about divorce.

Get someone in and have the stuff fixed.
Organise your new life alone - split bank accounts, don't clean or cook for him, don't have him do it for you.

Go and speak to a solicitor and kick off the divorce process, as part of that you'll be advised to go to mediation to sort out finances.

Do it now and then in a year it's sorted, if you spend the next 6 months thinking you don't want a year of sorting it out you'll be 18 months away from being free.

I'd advise against leaving the house if you want to buy him out.

Start a divorce and get it settled that way.

If you just sit waiting for him to see the light and move out of his own accord, you will be sitting there year after year.

So do the hard thing, and get things in motion.

I'm about to go through the same situation. I want to separate, he doesn't know. He wont want to separate. Neither of us will want to leave the house in the short term.

He thinks everything is fine - even though we don't have sex, we don't sit together in the eve, we don't eat dinner together, we don't do clothes washing in the same wash load, we order separate food (but on the same food shop delivery), we go to bed at different times. We are just house mates.

I have been told by a lawyer not to leave the house. If I leave (and I would take the kids) then it will show that I can financially support myself and the kids. That would mean I wont get a larger equity in the house if/when sold, and I would need a larger equity as I would have to re-house me and 2 kids and I earn less than he does. I am stuck in the house with him.

The only solution to my problem would be to both stay in the house and one of us sleeps in the kitchen diner on a sofa bed. He wont want to do that; I wont want to do that simply because he stays up a lot later than me and come/goes from the dining patio doors to the summer house in our garden. I would be asleep on the sofa bed and he will be in and out all times of the night going to/from the summer house. Then again, if he was on the sofa bed in the kitchen diner then it would be awkward for me to use the kitchen as he sleeps in until very late and i get up early. The whole thing is a mess which i see no way out of/solution for.

Once/if I tell him I want to separate then he is going to be an absolute arsehole to me, he will make life hell while we are both suck together in the same house.

Can you share a bedroom with the children, or have them in together and you have one of their bedrooms if they currently have their own rooms?

My ex made it horrible to live with him, and refused to leave even though he was obviously seeing his OW. In the end, it was only when I made it unpleasant for him to stay - by sitting talking about his affair instead of letting him sit on his own watching TV - that suddenly he found a place to stay.

Instead of wasting time & energy decorating

Seek legal advice from solicitor
3 valuations of property
Start divorce
Sort out finances
Sort out childcare, sleeping arrangements

Nothing will change, unless you take action

If he owns part of the property, you can't make the other person leave

@DinosaurDiana I could have typed this word for word. Word. For. Word.
Also, your post @whatcanmynewusernamebe
I've been to see my mortgage advisor and yes I can buy him out, but he bottom line is he doesn't want any of this so why should he be the one to leave? I'd rather just put up with my own unhappiness than move the kids out of their home. I feel like I'll never resolve this problem. But it's miserable living pretty much separately as we have done for years, which seems to suit him, but I am desperate just to feel like a normal adult. I didn't get married to be trapped in duty and unhappiness.
I'd love to see a few examples of people getting their partners to leave, but I think there wouldn't be many. Good luck everyone in this situation x x

Its really difficult and can totally understand what you are saying. No 1 get some legal advice. No2 say you are sleeping in your room and he needs to sleep elsewhere. Once you have done this tell him that you categorically no longer love him - only then will the light begin to dawn. Sounds like he has a comfortable life, might even be slightly depressed, is clearly not contributing much to family life. You will need to build a head of steam to get him to leave.

I think you can agree how you are going to behave with each other (can't remember what its called but its a legal thing) if you absolutely need to co-exist in the short term. Can he be incentivised to move out? By you or anyone else?

You don't want to become in a position whether neither 1 of you will budge, at some Point someone / something will have to give in,!! Why flog a dead horse, be brave bite the bullet and leave,!!

First things first, you need to consult with a solicitor immediately. You can't do anything until you do.

It is easy to say - you want someone to leave

But the practicalities of this are huge. Running 2 households, communication, costs, emotional costs etc

Sometimes better to stay in same property & arrange buy out or sell
Make a cleaner break in the future

It is not easy, I've been there
But I've built a better life