To divorce when older - Slow boil divorce

[Sciencebabe]

I seem to be on a slow boil to divorce.

Slight background: My husband is military. We have just bought our dream home. I am due to give birth this week to our third child. We have been together 9yrs, married 6 1/2yrs.

I just constantly feel disconnected from him. I am a very educated and competent woman. I know how to do a lot of things and if I don't know then I love to research and learn. Living alone majority of the time, I raise our children alone, handle the house and bills alone, work full time and build my career alone.

My husband is very selfish, mysoginistic, internal. Never asks for or takes my advice, in fact whenever he gives home he runs my advice down as 'what do you know' unimportance, to the point where we can't have a conversation about anything, even about raising the children.

The biggest thing at the moment is the issue of renovating the house. My husband is neither skilled, not smart in any area of life and work outside of the army and it's really getting to me that he can't seem to do anything right, yet will belittle me when I try to do it myself or give him advice. Now, I don't mean 'Can't do anything the way I want it done'. No. I mean, 'Causes more damage, more cost to us, upsets the children, makes the house look awful and constantly looks to me to fix his mistakes'. He thinks he can do all things because he is male. I feel like I am married to a stranger. To an idiot. I make every effort to have a nice house, improve our lives, build our social status, and I feel like he makes every effort to pull it all down.

Recently I can't help but think I've married the wrong man. I'm tired of this attitude. I'm tired of constantly defending my intelligence. 'Why don't you earn as much as me if you're so smart' is what I get from him. Not even taking in to account that I've given up my career and followed him with the army for six years, or am about to have our third child. In 6 yrs or parenting, I have had about 6 months of not bringing in an income. I have grown and birthed children whilst at uni and full time work, I have given up motherhood bonding to go back to work so I feel validated in my existence as he pulled me down for not working as much as he did straight after birth. I feel that he had no idea about our girls emotional or mental needs for parents to be there for them at home.

He says his needs are simple. He wants me to be sexy and slim. If I put weight on in pregnancy he accuses me of turning in to my mum as she is obese due to medical reasons and he hates fat people. Wants me to raise our children to be perfect physically and mentally. Wants me to bring in £30+k a year. Wants me to keep a perfect house. Wants me to want sex with him every day. Wants me to make our savings pot huge whilst not compromising on quality of life at home (food/clothing brands). But what is he bringing to the plate? Bad sex. Bad attitude. Unwillingness to learn how to improve himself with education or personality. And he blows up at me and talks to me like shit from time to time. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. There's no mental connection. No friendship.

Why haven't I left yet? We are married and I'm TRYING to make it work. We have three children and they would never have this quality of life if I was a single parent. I love my home, I love my children, but sometimes I wish he would have an accident at work and die. That feels so bad to think that. I just feel sometimes that I want an easy release from him that doesn't involve me having to leave. I can't leave whilst the children are young.

I just want to know, from older women. Is it ok to stay and bide your time until you don't have to be a parent anymore? Is it ok to just hold out for the good of the children and separate when they leave home and have established lives themselves? I see a of couples separate once their children are old enough. Is this the reason why? A slow boil out of parenthood? I don't want another relationship. I don't want to leave and get a council house. I don't want to take young children away from their father. I just want to feel respected, valued and treated with kindness and intelligence that is completely lacking in my marriage. Is it worth holding out for the next 10yrs?

Hey OP . There are lots of stories similar to yours on the relationship board. Many women stay in relationships for all the reasons you describe, and only you can decide what is right for you and your family. Being a military spouse is tough and you sound like you are doing a great job as a mum. I’m not so convinced that your DH is a great role model for your daughters......do you want them growing up thinking the way your DH treats you is acceptable? I’m sure lots of people will come on telling you to leave now, but just remember that the grass isn’t greener.....you yourself have given a compelling list of reasons to stay. I can honestly say that I don’t know one single happily married couple. I have at least one friend who openly admits to ‘living separate lives under the same roof‘, and it works for them. I find a lot of comfort in knowing that many people struggle in their marriages ie I’m not alone, even if it isn’t a regular topic of conversation.

Leave him. He sounds like a jackhole.

Life is too short to stay married to someone that does not make you happy.

You're deeply resentful in a loveless marriage with a very poor role model for your kids (aka a nasty git).
You're clearly a very capable and determined woman.
Don't waste all those years, losing your spirit and teaching your kids to accept crap in relationships.

You sound incredible OP and I believe you will be able to make a very good go of it alone. Your marriage though is untenable. You do not love him and he most certainly does not respect you. You’re already fantasising about him dying to solve the problem. I suggest you make a plan to end this situation at a time that is appropriate for all of you. You can’t wait for more than a couple of years but the time is probably not now, while you are pregnant. Use your head but don’t delay too long, you need to make a start on your real life and, to be fair, so does he. Good luck.

What would he do if put this in a letter to him?
*
He says his needs are simple. He wants me to be sexy and slim. If I put weight on in pregnancy he accuses me of turning in to my mum as she is obese due to medical reasons and he hates fat people. Wants me to raise our children to be perfect physically and mentally. Wants me to bring in £30+k a year. Wants me to keep a perfect house. Wants me to want sex with him every day. Wants me to make our savings pot huge whilst not compromising on quality of life at home (food/clothing brands). But what is he bringing to the plate? Bad sex. Bad attitude. Unwillingness to learn how to improve himself with education or personality. And he blows up at me and talks to me like shit from time to time. I'm not sexually attracted to him anymore. There's no mental connection. No friendship.

Why haven't I left yet? We are married and I'm TRYING to make it work*

Many now adult children who are MNers have written about their parents failed marriage and the vast majority of them have come to resent both parents making a decision to remain together for the kids. In some cases the parents also split only when the children went off to university; this just caused the now young adults yet more emotional pain. They knew they were together only because of them and no amount of treats, holidays and or a "better lifestyle" ever made up for the fact that they were used to keep their parents together. Getting back to you, whose sake would you at all be staying for, theirs or more likely yours because its somehow "easier"?.

What do you yourself want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Would you potentially want a loveless relationship to become their norm too?. No you would not and this should not be at all acceptable now to you either. It is much more challenging to come to terms with our own circumstances and face our fears than it is to hide behind them as we stay together “for the kids.” It is a truly shitty burden that gets placed upon them if you were fool enough to remain with this unworthy man for the sake of the kids. And you cannot make a relationship that is this dysfunctional and emotionally unhealthy work on your own.

None of those reasons you cite are any sort of justification to stay and staying for the sake of the children teaches them harmful lessons about relationships. They will not say "thanks mum" to you for doing that to them. Are you really using those flimsy justifications because you are afraid to move on with your own life and take responsibility for your own happiness?. Many people use similar really because of financial concerns, their fear of the unknown or fear of being alone. Divorce is not failure here but living in such unhappiness is.

Having two parents successfully move forward with their lives teaches an invaluable lesson: that we deserve to be happy and to feel loved. Conversely, remaining in relationships that perpetuate anger, devaluation, and lack of positive interactions leaves an indelible scar on children. Children are also perceptive and they can and do pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you and their dad.

Wow, sounds so awful I don’t think I could stick that for a week let alone years. All very unhealthy for you, I reckon you’ll end up a physical and psychological mess. And the kids won’t thank you for it.

@Sciencebabe if one or both of your daughters had written this post in 20 years time what would you advise them?

I sincerely doubt that it would be to stay until their kids are older.

Please don't stay for their sake it's not fair that they learn that this is how a relationship should be and you are worth so much more.

Best of luck.

@Sciencebabe You sound great and he sounds like a dick. You are clearly intelligent and capable of doing everything you need to do on your own. To me, this sounds by far the better option. Yes your life will change, and it might feel as if it's worse. But only temporarily. You can be free to live your own life without this soul-draining idiot. He sounds just awful. I completely understand you wanting him to go and not come back. It would be your way out, but this is the only way the decision will be taken out of your hands, you have to do this. As @RedRocketGirl said, you would not allow one of your children, or even a friend, to go through this. Don't let this drag you down, you do not deserve to be living like this. Please find a way to leave him.
I too want to find the courage to make this decision, but it's somehow harder as there isn't anything as abusive as this going on, just low level chipping away at my patience. I'm waiting for the snapping point, but I would say you have reached this already. Good luck op xx

Would you want your daughter to stick out a marriage like this? Do you want your dc to grow up imbibing his attitudes and seeing you tolerate them, and expecting the same for themselves?

I'd get some legal advice and work out finances and make a decision from a position of real knowledge.

I've done exactly what you propose, and am left wondering what is left for me in life now. The sacrifices weren't easy, but nothing is. If I had divorced him earlier, then I would still be regretting things. What I am saying I guess, is that you should choose which regret you are able to live with. And whilst I am unhappy with much in my life, I still think it was the correct thing to do.

Thank you for your replies.
It's really reassuring to know that other married people feel like this. Sorry, I am not proficient enough at Mumsnet to tag a reply to anyone, but I think the bit about deciding which regret I'm going to want to live with is food for thought. I know it's a hormonal time for me with the pregnancy and house renovation but I think I'm more on a path to strengthen my bases and decide what I do actually want out of life in the next year or so.
I've decided to open my own bank account again and keep some of my money for myself each month to help me feel more like I'm attaining something. I'm not used to People saying I am smart or incredible, my husband certainly would never say that to me, so thank you for that boost. I was actually studying to be a research scientist/biomedical scientist a couple of years ago, but failed my second year twice because my husband dragged me down so much, seemed to want more of me focusing on him when I wanted to focus a bit at university and he started talking to other women then telling me it was my fault because I was never there. I don't think I'll leave it as long as I thought I'd need to leave it before executing a final decision. I do feel that I want to get myself in a good position first though with money, children all being in school and job security. I'm also not completely against seeing if he will change/grow in the next year or so as I know a new baby/new house worries will affect a man as well, but all the advice and scenarios you are giving me are really helpful x

You have one life. He sounds absolutely God-awful. Why would you think he would change? Please don't wait it out.

He sabotaged your college course and career ambitions?

It's a good idea to start having some financial control.

Do bear in mind what you are teaching your children by being dogsbody and belittled in your marriage.

And having two children hasn't changed him, why would number three?

I think you need to ‘play the long game’ and ‘get your ducks in a row’ at the same time.
Now is probably not the best time to go. I’d wait until you’ve had baby and you’re fully up and running, then plan what you want to do.
The bank account is good. Do you own your house and do either of you have private pensions ?
Think about whether you still want to be with him in 5 or 10 years time. Do t waste your life and have regrets, but don’t make a mistake either 💐

His attitude stinks. He has minimal respect for you and your sons and/ or daughters will learn from him.

He basically wants a trophy wife to service him...while he puts in no effort with you. He doesn't appreciate your sacrifices and he puts you down.

He puts you down because he's insecure and wants you to think you can't do any better. Until or unless he accepts his attitude is not on...how will things improve for you?

Women ate second class citizens to him...have you just realised this almost 3 kids later?

Get out. Don't stay "for the children" it is showing them a bad example.
Yes to your own account - I can't believe you don't have one, I did even when a SAHM.

Next get legal advice. If you "jointly" own a house and are married I can't see why you'd end up in a Council house (although those can be perfectly nice).
I assume you are on maternity leave? Use this time investigate your options. Contact you old lecturers see if there is any way you can restart your career change or alternative routes. Think about what you want.
But don't hang on, life is too short.

You do realise he sabotaged your studies on purpose. And says those things on purpose. Does he also say things while he is away? It is all about control. He has twigged you are smart, you are strong and you can manage when he is not there. So how to keep you from leaving? You are not smart, you are not good enough, what do you know? Ring a bell. If you wanted you could do and he knows it

He sounds absolutely awful 8n every way. You are not his wife, you're his possession. The demands are ridiculous even if he was an amazing Adonis in credible in bed, but he's not even that.

If you are at the point where you are fantasising about your husband dying, your marriage is over. Whether you leave now or later when you have had your baby and things are easier and you have set yourself up better for you is your decision. But staying for 18 years until your baby is reared - well can you seriously imagine doing that or advising someone to do it? 18 more years of bad sex, bad attitude and living with a man you clearly despise?

I wouldn't want to be a child living like this.

Where there is mutual respect, some affection, willingness to compromise on both sides, and a common goal of providing stability for children - staying together in the short term might be worth considering. Maybe.

I'm your situation - not in a million years
afraid. He sounds like a dreadful role model for your daughters.

He sounds awful. It makes me so sad that such misogynists end up joining the army. A big house or whatever it is you'd be staying for is really crumbs compared with the emotional damage of growing up with such a poor male role model and an unhappy mother. Yes, you do actually sound literate, intelligent and strong. May you be the role model for your children.

We have three children and they would never have this quality of life if I was a single parent.

No they wouldn’t.

They would have a much more enhanced quality of life.

They would not be subjugated by a misogynist thug or see their mother strung out in this environment. This is a v impoverished emotional environment in which to raise children. It will cost them their self esteem, drive and happiness.

Not sure why you have got pregnant with this total arse more than once to be honest but that aside- OP you sound fabulous, leave him to find this mythical creature earning 30k plus, housekeeper, cook, slim and sexy and with a family. He will be in for a long wait. You don’t like him so I can’t see you will be able to sit it out 10 plus years. Better to take the maintenance, work and build a happy home without this jackass in it