Something happened in bed last night. Have I done something really wrong? TW

[snoozethenews]

In bed with my lover last night. We had been having a nice time together. He had work the next morning and we knew it couldn't be a late one, and sometimes when he's had a few drinks he struggles to finish.

At one point during proceedings he said, "Look, I'm not going to come and I think I should probably go." My response (I had also had a few drinks and really wanted to please him/didn't want him to leave yet) was to slam dunk him back on the bed and say, "No way!"

I playfully pinned his arms onto the bed over his head and got on top of him. He didn't resist this but did say, "You can't just rape me." To which I said, "Oh I can and I will." He then replied, "Oh that's really fucking hot actually", put his hand on my hip and pulled me down onto him, thrusting inside me enthusiastically. We continued having sex and he did come.

Now he's far stronger than me and could flick me off like a fly if he wanted to. I also respect consent and if he'd said at any point, "No I mean it, I want to stop" I would, of course, have stopped immediately.

But I'm a survivor myself and am terrified I crossed a line. Looking for help and honest answers. Although please be gentle - I'm in the absolute grips of anxiety.

He took it playfully, because he said, "That's really fucking hot". I guess, that's the way you meant it and that's the way he took it.
If he wasn't happy about it, he would have said and he would have moved you.

Making jokes about rape while having sex?

I don’t think you crossed a line OP. Have you spoken to him today?

AnnelovesGilbert what planet are you on?

Well I took it he was playing, Anne and responded in kind, as clearly I don't have the strength to genuinely overpower him.

If he said, "no, I'm serious, get off", by the sounds of it you would have!

If a good time was had by all, with a trusted partner, and it sounds like you've stretched a boundary you're not used to - then talk to your partner about it, be honest if you trust them or just open a dialogue about it.

I haven't spoken to him ThisToo. It's a fairly casual relationship and we don't chat every day.

Of course I would have Timeforabiscuit. No question. I've just, for some reason, got the eeby jeebies about it.

I don't think you need to worry. It sounds like you both enjoyed it and nothing wrong with exploring new boundaries.
You were playful and he was playful back. All sounds good.

Naw, it was fun, you both enjoyed it , no harm done .

As someone who has been sexually assaulted, I would find that really uncomfortable and would more than likely have had to leave the situation. I would struggle to enjoy myself even if my partner used the word 'rape' in jest.

However what you and your partner do has nothing to do with me or any of the other posters here, as long as it was consensual between you both.

I'd say he enjoy you being dominant.

Not that I've done quite that but my DP likes it when I take charge and just tell him what to do. He's significantly stronger than me but he'll happily let me sit on top and 'pin' his arms down.

If this worries you but it a road you both want to go down then come up with a safe word.

During sex, i've definitely said and encouraged things that in the cold light of day have made me cringe and feel a bit gross, but as long as consent isn't an issue I don't think it's anything to dwell on.

It doesn't sound like you overstepped a boundary with him, even if it was an unexpected move on your part. But you have inadvertently weirded yourself out and maybe its just something to pay attention to, in case you don't want to repeat that theme!

Agree with PP above a safe word is a good idea if you do bring this up with him.

I think the only thing you should take from this is, he wants to be dominated in the bedroom 😄 have some fun! Get a safe word in order because you’ve found his kink😂

I would be very cautious about introducing rape role play in a “fairly casual” relationship, but now that you’ve done it I would definitely initiate a discussion about a safe word - more for your safety than his - now that pinning arms down and ‘playing’ at rape has been brought into your sex life.

Nothing wrong with what happened as the power balance between you is skewed in his favour by his sex and size. So you didn’t overstep and you were respectful of his reactions and led by him. It’s normal to be a bit eeeew about sex in the cold light of day tbh I think it’s all a bit gross to think about as purely physical when you’re not in the moment. So don’t overthink it and make an issue out of nothing.

"I would be very cautious about introducing rape role play in a “fairly casual” relationship, but now that you’ve done it I would definitely initiate a discussion about a safe word - more for your safety than his - now that pinning arms down and ‘playing’ at rape has been brought into your sex life."

Definitely this.

I thought no meant no on here!

He said no, you kept going etc, but if no really does mean no, you should have said that you respected his wish when he clearly indicated he wanted to call it a night and you should have left it at that.

It was crossing the line based on how you described it

was to slam dunk him back on the bed and say, "No way!"

The uproar if it had been a man doing that to a woman!!!

I'm with the 'he went with it, it was consensual and it's all good'. this kind of play can be fun, if everyone is on board with it. But, you should talk about whether he liked it, whether he would like to do it again, and how - because as has been pointed out, in this kind of play, it's not always easy to tell if someone really wants you to stop, or is saying stop as part of the game unless you have a different word other than 'stop'.

i do this kind of play with my partner - and we take it much further sometimes. we both get turned on by it. but our relationship otherwise is very gentle, affectionate and loving. it doesn't make you a bad person that you enjoyed taking control.

This reads way too much like amateur porn for me to grace it with an answer.