What would you do with an emotionally absent mother

[Squashpocket]

I have a mother who has been emotionally unavailable my whole life. I can't really remember what she was like when I was a child because I don't really remember her at all. I had a series of nannies until I was old enough to be self sufficient. She has never done anything motherly for me to my knowledge. My only memories of her are of being shut down and shut out.

Now I am an adult she has continued the pattern. We have a superficial relationship - I don't generally share anything personal with her. If I do she will talk over me to change the subject. I don't think she is aware of how shallow our relationship is.

I find spending time with her sucks the life out of me, but because she's never done anything 'wrong' as such, I don't feel like I am justified in reducing contact with her. I am an only child - my children are her only grandchildren and she is on her own since my father died 18months ago. I don't know how to manage our relationship so as to protect myself, without punishing her or my children by stopping them from seeing their grandmother.

Has anyone managed to maintain a relationship with a mother like this without sacrificing your sanity? I would appreciate any advice TIA

I could have written your post op. Except my mother left with my grandparents (authoritarian etc). I have no good memories either - I can totally relate to this. My mother was completely emotionally absent and seemed to do everything she could do be both emotionally and physically distanced from her children.

I am now estranged from my mother, following a particular event that occurred. I have grieved a lot (mainly for the mother I could have had but never had) and I am awaiting counselling. I also understand the bit where you say she sucks the life out of you - yes can relate to that. My mother couldn't be trusted with confidences and actually created problems between myself and my siblings (so was actually quite malicious too). Our relationship was extremely superficial and I couldn't mention anything I didn't want repeated.

Before we reached this stage it was low contact - from memory, once a week for about an hour. My mother added virtually nothing to my own dcs life - not really surprising as she added very little to my own. I do feel like the situation is sad and if I had had a different mother, then dcs could have had a lovely grandparent. But it is what it is and I can't change the situation. Whenever I feel guilt, I remind myself that my dcs aren't actually missing very much (just what could have been). My mother also had the perfect knack of making it all about her...I never felt heard, so if for example I told her I was feeling tired, she would go on to tell me how exhausted she was because of x,y and z.

Not sure what to advise op. Just wanted to let you know you are not alone.

Once a week for an hour is low contact?????
My definition of low contact is once or twice a year.

It's nice to know I'm not alone. For a long time I thought the problem was me, so thank you for that.

I see my mother 2 or 3 times a week, so I can't imagine what you'd think of me. I must be a glutton for punishment.

I understand your predicament op. As another poster said...they do not consider once a week to be low contact. I blamed myself for a long time - and still require further therapy to deal with the estrangement/the difficult relationship we had. If a certain event hadn't occurred, no doubt, I would still be maintaining that weekly visit now.

Do you live physically close to your parent? Does she visit you? How could you change the dynamics if that is what you wanted to do. I suppose for me, my mother rarely came to visit me (unless she wanted to also visit a shop etc. that was near by), so it was easier to take control as I was mostly going to her. Difficult op, perhaps intensified by bereavement and you being an only child.

I do live physically close - I almost exclusively go to her, she doesn't visit me.That's interesting that you were the same with your mother.

I feel an obligation to continue to be present and facilitate a relationship with her grandchildren. I'm not sure that's a feeling I could shake off. It would almost be easier if she had done something overtly terrible that I could point to, but she hasn't.

I manage the relationship by being superficial, neutral and transactional, in that she pays for things for the DC and I continue to allow them to see her. Again I'm not sure to what extent she is aware of this dynamic, although really she initiated it.

I can totally relate. There are differences in my situation but it's similar enough where it counts.
I find seeing DM so draining and I always end up feeling like crap. But I won't go no contact because she's alone, and part of our fucked up relationship is that I feel responsible for her and beholden. But she's cruel and manipulative.
Also our DC only have 2 grandparents, and the other is unwell.
So I try to allow the DC to have a relationship with their DGM while keeping myself safe. I think of it as keeping her in their lives with visitation rights once a month and by keeping her at emotional arms length. Everything on my turf and on my terms.
I don't tell her anything about my life. If I do she talks over me exactly as you say, or if she needs me for something she uses it as 'currency'. So hard to explain without sounding paranoid but I think you know what I mean.

I dread the day she bad mouths me to my DC. I know she will. I don't talk to them about my relationship with her. One day I'll have to.

I always say that if she overstepped I'd cut contact but in all these years I never have. I don't think I could live with myself if I did.

Is she emotionally present with your children? My mum is better with the gc than she was with me, but never goes out of her way to spend time with them, and thinks gifts will buy their love. My daughter adores her but gets so sad when my mother decides not to turn up to something we have arranged, but doesn't let us know that she isn't coming.

My mum is like this OP but she lives abroad and we've had no contact for almost five years. She was very instrumental with all relationships and not emphathetic. Strong narcissistic streak. I can only sympathise with you - I know how painful it is. Perhaps seek counselling to help you navigate the relationship going forward.

Empathetic I meant

"I feel an obligation to continue to be present and facilitate a relationship with her grandchildren".

Do you think she at all has a relationship with her grandchildren?.

You may well want to read and or post on the current "well we took you to stately homes" thread on these Relationships pages.

I would reduce all contact levels as well as urge you to deal properly and now with your feelings of fear, obligation and guilt through seeing a BACP registered therapist. You need to find someone who has no familial bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

Do read "The Emotionally Absent Mother" by Jasmin L Cori. It could also be an idea to look at the Out of the FOG website.

She now being alone is no reason whatsoever to remain in any form of contact with her. You were left alone for many years and that was in no way your fault; that is all on her and for that matter your late father as well. Where was he in your childhood?.

Your own FOG that she in particular installed in you harms you and leads you down that road with your children. She was not a good parent to you when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally changed. She has likely and for instance never apologised nor even accepted any responsibility for her actions here.

A good rule of thumb here too is that if a parent/relative is too toxic/batshit/difficult for YOU to deal with, its actually the same deal for your kids too. Do not keep on putting your most precious of resource here, your children, at all in or around your mother's sphere of influence.

She has done a hell of a lot wrong; this type of emotional damage leaves indellible scars and those remain present within you to this very day.

Would you tolerate any of this from a friend?. Probably not but your mother is no different. If she is narcissistic in terms of personality its not actually possible to have a relationship with such a person in any case. Such people also mess up boundaries big time; she perhaps encouraged you to not have any.

She is not emotionally present with anyone, including the grandkids. She buys them toys and gives them unhealthy amounts of sweets. Although we see her often it's all quite low effort on her part. She cannot tolerate any big displays of emotion from the DC - they are 4 and 2 so some tantrums are par for the course - she finds their feelings very stressful.

I would feel terribly guilty if I stopped her seeing the dc, but I sometimes wonder if she wouldn't be happier if I just sent her pictures of them wearing or using the latest thing she's bought so she can send it to her friends and family and didn't trouble her for anything more involved than that.

I feel like a lot of her grandmothering is for show, but I'm not sure who she thinks she's showing off to. No one cares.

My contact with my mother is like self harm.

It’s a painful bad habit I can’t quit.

If anyone should feel guilty it’s your mother but she does not. She has not fundamentally changed since your own childhood and your kids will come to notice her lack of interest in time. She wants to play at being a Disney style grandmother to buy their affections. Such people like your mother only care about their own self.

If you really do want peace you will need to stop hoping that she will somehow change and or become a nicer person. Your FOG keeps you and in turn your kids in this dysfunctional dynamic.