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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Living in the past

12 replies

Relightmylogburner · 18/01/2021 19:38

I just wondered if anyone feels/has felt the same and what they did about it really. I feel like the last month or so I can’t stop thinking about the past - by which I mean my teenage years and particular people from it.

I am presuming this is some sort of reaction to the current shit world we live in and it’s my brain’s way of reaching back to more comforting, safe times. But it’s more than that.

I recently, during a big clear out, found some old diaries from when I was about 14 to 16 and my god, it brought back so many memories, good and bad, but mostly just intense. I was absolutely head over heels with a particular boy during that time and my diary details all the various highs and lows. I could literally feel the excitement and anxiety as I read these entries and since then I can’t stop thinking about it.

It’s not that I want to be with that boy, Christ I haven’t even seen him in probably 10 years. I am happy with a DP, in my thirties. He messed with my head so much and I’m realising probably wasn’t a very nice person, or very troubled anyway.

Perhaps it’s that there isn’t really much excitement or much of anything going on at the moment other than the constant horror show news, so this is where my mind is escaping to but it is driving me mad.

I find myself just remembering vividly certain situations and how I felt. I had quite a few boys who liked me back then and maybe I miss that feeling of being desired - don’t get me wrong, DP is loving and we have a good relationship but it’s not the same as the ‘so and so fancies you’ and wondering who’s going to ask you out, are you going to kiss etc. The terrifying but magical first love experience.

I feel pathetic even typing all of this. I don’t know what to do. I feel like I want reasons to bring things up with friends from back then, who I am still in touch with, just so I can talk about the memories. I keep looking at old photos. I feel like I miss and reminisce about those days so much it hurts.

OP posts:
Songsofexperience · 18/01/2021 21:50

You're not pathetic. Last year, I intensely 'relived' my first relationship when I was 15. The guy got in touch in fact and we wrote to each other. It was good in some ways but doing that during lockdown meant fewer distractions to actually return to the present. Work through those emotions but don't let the past consume you either.

Songsofexperience · 18/01/2021 22:07

This song was in a show I recently watched. It really captures the nostalgia you describe:

Relightmylogburner · 19/01/2021 17:03

[quote Songsofexperience]This song was in a show I recently watched. It really captures the nostalgia you describe:

[/quote] Oh that’s a lovely song! I can’t believe I haven’t heard it before. Glad to know it’s quite a universal feeling Smile
OP posts:
Relightmylogburner · 19/01/2021 17:04

@Songsofexperience

You're not pathetic. Last year, I intensely 'relived' my first relationship when I was 15. The guy got in touch in fact and we wrote to each other. It was good in some ways but doing that during lockdown meant fewer distractions to actually return to the present. Work through those emotions but don't let the past consume you either.
Oh god! I bet that was interesting!! Are you in a relationship yourself? As much as I reminisce I know it would not be a good idea to start up communication with said ex!
OP posts:
MerryDecembermas · 19/01/2021 17:21

I think a lot about my exes too. As teens it's all so intense and serious and exciting and terrifying. Not the comfortable small orbits of a (reasonably happy) LTR!

I have a lot of "what if" when I'm pissed off with DH the last few months. Imagining what if I'd stayed with anti ex. It doesn't help at all. Just a reaction to this pandemic crap, as you say OP.

Ultimately we are here and now and have to make the best of it. Every day is the same but we can't plan, so much is on hold indefinitely. It's a horrible kind of stressful tedium.

Relightmylogburner · 19/01/2021 18:54

@MerryDecembermas

I think a lot about my exes too. As teens it's all so intense and serious and exciting and terrifying. Not the comfortable small orbits of a (reasonably happy) LTR!

I have a lot of "what if" when I'm pissed off with DH the last few months. Imagining what if I'd stayed with anti ex. It doesn't help at all. Just a reaction to this pandemic crap, as you say OP.

Ultimately we are here and now and have to make the best of it. Every day is the same but we can't plan, so much is on hold indefinitely. It's a horrible kind of stressful tedium.

Thanks - glad I’m not alone!!
OP posts:
Carouselfish · 19/01/2021 18:56

I think you should turn it into a novel op! Could resolve the story with her (you) realising what a dick he actually was. Could be cathartic.

Relightmylogburner · 19/01/2021 19:47

@Carouselfish

I think you should turn it into a novel op! Could resolve the story with her (you) realising what a dick he actually was. Could be cathartic.
I genuinely did consider this when I found the diaries - but not sure if others would find it as interesting as I do!!! Grin
OP posts:
7to25 · 19/01/2021 20:10

I just read "out stealing horses" by Per Petterson. The main character goes to live in cabin in the countryside, alone after his wife's death. This brings him back to a time he was 15, remembered vividly. The summer he remembers holds the key to his life now. Very good book.

Songsofexperience · 19/01/2021 20:49

Oh god! I bet that was interesting!! Are you in a relationship yourself? As much as I reminisce I know it would not be a good idea to start up communication with said ex!

My marriage broke down shortly before that exchange. I can say it was a bit of a Pandora's box to be honest. Ultimately it was a good thing but it can be dangerous to revive old feelings especially if you're not in a position to do anything about them.

Eckhart · 19/01/2021 20:56

I think writing it down is good. Get it out of your system. Out of your head and onto the page. It'll help you process it all and move on. Also, set up a new project for yourself: The Treating Yourself project. Be really nice to yourself, buy some new stuff, make time for doing things/reading things/watching things you really love. Treat yourself to being creative and expressing yourself.

It sounds like you're missing the validation of being fancied on a regular basis: do things that make you feel like the gorgeous star you are. In short, validate yourself.

Relightmylogburner · 19/01/2021 22:20

@Eckhart

I think writing it down is good. Get it out of your system. Out of your head and onto the page. It'll help you process it all and move on. Also, set up a new project for yourself: The Treating Yourself project. Be really nice to yourself, buy some new stuff, make time for doing things/reading things/watching things you really love. Treat yourself to being creative and expressing yourself.

It sounds like you're missing the validation of being fancied on a regular basis: do things that make you feel like the gorgeous star you are. In short, validate yourself.

I think this is so true - it sounds ridiculous to be envious of my teenage self but I had boys chasing after me, even if it caused a lot of angst too.

I do feel loved in my relationship but it’s comfortable and my DP isn’t the type to shower me with compliments etc so I do think I need to practice a bit of self love as you say. Particularly at the moment!

Thank you Smile

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