At the beginning of last year I split with my 10+ years partner. It was a very painful experience and I developed some serious trust issues as result. Throughout the breakup I got close with one of my friends who coincidentally got dumped on the same day as me after 10+ years with his partner as well. Over the lockdown we grew really close and progressed in late summer from friendship to lovers. At the time neither of us wanted to be in a relationship so we were still seeing other people but mid Autumn we became sexually exclusive although still not in relationship (without going too much into details I’ve got sexual trauma I’m working through and asked him if he would be ok with this, which he obliged but added at some point that he wants to be able to step back for me it so basically I understood it as not being exclusive anymore if he feels it’s not working for him). He then told me when drunk that he’s developing feelings for me. At the time I couldn’t say the same. We started to spend all weekends at each other’s place. He would cuddle me, hold my hand while watching tv, cook and even walk my dog for me. he’s very caring and attentive, listens and remembers what I said. He invited me out to the best restaurant in town as a surprise for finishing difficult project and bought me an expensive gift. He also helped me packed my ex (yes, he moved out leaving all his stuff behind expecting me to do it) and cleaned my ex’s room (I haven’t touched it in months as it was too painful). He really looks after my pets when he’s around and we’re having a great sex which is a new to me.
But there is one major thing that spoils everything to me: he is a flirt. Him and his ex were both famous for it. They would flirt with other people in front of each other. He’s an attractive and charming guy so he had a lot of fwb type of agreements after the breakup. He stopped sleeping with other women when I asked him. Now we’re each other extended household so it’s not like he has a chance to hop beds but this exclusivity started at the beginning of November so pre-lockdown. He told me that when he’s drunk he can’t control himself and flirts with even those women he doesn’t find attractive when sober. He says he can recognise how problematic it is. He’s currently doing the dry Jan and thinking of extending it to February plus with lockdown in place it’s not like I can see how he’ll go about tackling it. Recently there was a string of situations that made me think that he’s hiding something.
-he’s often getting Facebook messages that he doesn’t immediately check
-sometimes it looks like he is hiding the screen from me when he reads them
-over last week he became less physical with me outside of sex, he used to kiss and cuddle me randomly all the time and now it’s rare, on the other hand he stroked my face when he thought I was asleep.
-we went for a walk with two of my girlfriends and he bought drinks for everybody but me claiming he thought I said I didn’t want any when everyone else could hear me saying what I want
-I plain asked him if he’s sleeping with somebody else; he answered really calmly that he only sleeps with me and haven’t seen anybody else for weeks and that I’m being paranoid
-we used to hide that we’re sleeping with each other/hanging out a lot from our friends as I wanted to keep it private but at some point I didn’t want to lie about us so we decided that we’ll be telling people we’re seeing each other; a few days ago he was taking a photo with my phone and said sth that with this close up nobody will know that I’m at his place like it’s still something to hide
-when I do sth that reminds him of his ex he says that she likes it to/did this too etc. which is mildly uncomfortable but not as much as when we watch a show or talk about sth and he brings his ex’s physical looks: example, we are watching tv and I’m saying that the actress doesn’t have muscles on her arms and she supposed to be a fighter he would say that his ex had muscles on her arms. Or how he likes peach bums and that his ex had a bum like that (I don’t have a peach bum), or that she had a nice, big boobs and great body. The thing is, I’m an ex model so can hold my own albeit I’m flatter and now not as skinny as his ex but still slim and I don’t complain from lack of male or female (I’m bi) attention so I would like to be with someone who likes what they see, not some subpar replacement for his ex (in his mind) cause I do understand people have different tastes but I can find someone who will find me beautiful without comparing me to his ex
I recently realised that I am finally ready to start dating, that I want to love and be loved. But I don’t know if he is the right person to fall for. So far I’ve been holding back my affection because we both said we didn’t want a relationship so I didn’t want to fall for him to suffer another breakup. Also because of my trauma I’m not the most touchy feely so it was always him who initiate physical contact: holding hands, cuddling, kissing (not sex though as he wanted me to take the lead there). Knowing all that and my horrible trust issues (I’m literally worried that everyone is lying to me, I’m starting therapy next as I can’t live like this ) would you give this a go? Do you think he’s interested in sth more and holds back because he is worried that I’m not wanting more considering I’m fairly cold? I will have a conversation with him tomorrow or Wednesday anyway but wanted to hear some other thoughts. I’m so afraid to be hurt again as I’m still recovering from last time. We have a great time together so we may just revert to being just friends if this doesn’t pan out as we do value each other’s company and said as much before.