Can they grow on you...?

[AlrightyThen1234]

I'm expecting a bit of a kicking here for being so shallow! Met a Tinder date not so long ago. It went well as in we got on great and didn't stop laughing. But whilst he was okay enough I didn't really fancy him. I just kept thinking "I don't know you, I don't know you, this is so awkward, this is so forced" when I've fallen for anyone they were people I already knew anyway not strangers on the internet. Anyway I decided I wasn't romantically interested... a bit too short, didn't like his accent, didn't like his nails, cringed when he made a couple of clumsy comments. The Ick I think it's called although not "icky" enough to run totally away because he seems very decent and caring and he's funny. So I messaged him and said I'd love to stay in touch as friends but don't see a romantic thing etc (yes I know I'm a picky twat and he should have told me to fuck right off). Anyway he was very gracious and we met again... as friends... and I'm not sure... but talking to him and observing him I felt a couple of very unexpected flutters. When I saw him I thought "actually you're a bit more attractive than I saw last time how's that?" He has nice teeth, he has great strong arms, a really really attractive job. He smells amazing. Nothing happened and although we're meeting up again ASAP I'm still not sure it will... but something stirred... just very slightly. I think. Maybe. Kind of. Ish. For all I know he might lose interest anyway I'm not Jennifer Lawrence myself it's not that I think I'm too good for someone or anything. It just seems to take AGES to kick in for me. Have you ever cancelled out the things you weren't so keen on and ended up feeling more of the good in time after being more familiar with them? For the record I absolutely know it takes a personality to make someone beautiful and looks aren't everything! But sexual chemistry is...

Yes of course it can be gradual . Most people IRL you might not like at first . Then your gradually notice o he's not so bad . If he makes you laugh that's so important isn't it ?

Yes it can.

Try to see past the superficial stuff. If you meet a guy who is kind, considerate, funny, solvent, personable, pulls his weight and treats you well are you really going to sack it off because he's not towering over you?

It can be gradual and change over time if you work with someone or encounter them frequently but.. that needs to happen before you get involved. Unless you plan on seeing this man long term before getting in a relationship with him I would move on as you could regret it

I met my husband on Tinder. I came away from our first date thinking "nice enough, but definitely not the one". 5 years and 2 children later, he is the most amazing husband and father I could ever have dreamed of and I count my lucky stars I went on the second date. So yes, it definitely can happen. But there would be a couple of yellow flags in your post for me - notably the thing that you like most about him seems to be his job...

Oh on the job front I don't mean financially just rewarding and something to be proud of is all... I'm not after someone's money!

shag him, then decide

"shag him, then decide"

I'm considering it!! 😂😂😂 rofl

The last few people I've been attracted to have 'grown' on me, including my husband.

In fact, one ex I actually remember thinking how unattractive they were when I first met them. Then I guess his personality made him very handsome and then I noticed his blue eyes and nice forearms etc...

Don't rule him out!

It took me 3 months for the guy to change in my head from a friend into a possible boy friend.
Reader I married him in 1982. Good choice!

he sounds nice op!

i knew what you meant about his job, is he in a caring role like looking after the elderly, paramedic?

i’m not really interested in men who aren’t very tall and my boyfriend is about 5’10” and i thank my lucky stars every day!

give it a chance

@MaLarkInn yes 😉

Oh op..
I'm in exactly the same position as you.. I have an awful relationship history probably because I go for the ones that I'm instantly attracted to & they tend to be bad boys. This one is nice, thoughtful & attentive but he didn't give me that butterflies feeling. But because of my past & the fact that where I live there isn't exactly a surplus of single men I decided to persevere hoping he'd be a grow-er.. several dates down the line after a few too many gins we did the deed.... it was dreadful, he was dreadful, I couldn't relax or get into it & penis was small.. I knew then that I couldn't sleep with him again so backed off, made excuses not to see him.. 2 days no contact & I really missed him.. we are back in contact I'm trying not to be flirty or anything, he is being sexual & asking when we can have a night together.. the thought of that gives me the ick but I miss his company.. I know I've got to back off again because I honestly don't think the sex can improve.

Maybe the shag will be the decider because if I'd have had a better experience then he would definitely have been bf material

@AlrightyThen1234 ah ok well then don't rule him out! I also advocate @MaLarkinn 's approach... I suggested this to a friend who had friend zoned a nice guy and they got married last year!

Yep! Gradual is often better.

@dilly123 that sounds like really hard work. I don't know what will happen between me and this guy he's offered to just be my friend but has admitted he hopes I change my mind in the future... if I slept with him though and it was bad or if I saw him a few more times and realised those flutters were gone I wouldn't carry it on. I've been where you are before... twice. I wanted them in my life they were lovely but I absolutely hated having sex with them. Hated it. I ended it both times and whilst sad for a week or two I was relieved in the long run. Perhaps just offer this guy a platonic friendship and see if he accepts that instead? X

It’s not at all ‘shallow’ or ‘picky’ to not find someone sexually attractive, or to be unsure.

@Dozer I wish my friends would agree with you! I'm always too fussy apparently 🙄

Oh there are lots of men I haven't initially found attractive and then several years later looked twice and thought, I see it now. But they were just friends and never romantic prospects. Never bothered playing the long game with people I dated.

This is how a grown up and mature relationship forms.
Take it from me. If you have the initial omg I need to shag you your judgement is clouded, you get too heavily invested so over look the fact they're a total twat.

Went on a date with a guy and it was great ,made me laugh and I felt safe to be me and he was complementary and lovely. But he wasn't my usual type.
So I said let's be friends and he was so gracious and grown up and I was like hang on this guy is kind, funny, understanding. We carried on chatting and met a few weeks later and talked and talked. Finally kissed and I fell for him. He definitely became my type after that and all my friends tell me how handsome he is....I can't believe I nearly let him go!
It was the first time I'd got to know someone properly.
Anyway he's my husband now. Lucky me.
The point is it was done in the correct order.
You have to kiss him to see if there is a connection.
If you don't feel it move on but you've learnt a good lesson in the process

I agree, the last guy I fell for I remember watching him walk off after our 1st date (old before lockdown), thinking - is that the best that's out there?
The date wasn't particularly good, but we got in so well messaging that I gave him another shot. We kissed and then ended up in bed, I fancied him so much!
We ended after a few months for other reasons, but I loved the shagging!

@CountryWalking I need this ending in my life! How lovely x

AlrightyThen1234 honestly it will happen. you sound totally engaged with finding a decent human being and emotionally intelligent. As for being fussy...this is your happiness and life so be picky!

My advice is to write a list of what you want and need in a relationship that will make you happy and how you visualise your future.
Sounds like you've met a lovely guy. If it doesn't happen chemistry wise then you at least know the qualities that good men have.
Keep us updated

@CountryWalking thank you... yes he's a good guy and ticks a lot of big boxes. Next time I see him I'm just going to do what I did last time, sit watch and listen. Not overthink not do anything. See if those "oooof!" moments happen again when I watch him laugh or get a glimpse of that strong neckline. If nothing happens I hope we can be friends, if something flutters again well... I'll have to bite the bullet, grab hold tight and take the advice above I'm afraid!! 🙈 👍

I really really really want him to grow on me! 😫

Well... having spoken to him on the phone a couple of times I do now like his very infectious laugh that made me cringe at first. I guess that's something!