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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Advice needed I don’t know where to start...

17 replies

Lifeofme1984 · 18/01/2021 10:36

Hi everyone,

I posted in AIBU this morning as my partner and I had an argument to do with washing up, because I am at home and don’t do anything else.... I think maybe that was just a smoke screen for me to vent as I am so unhappy, I think I’ve known for a while my relationship is going nowhere and I am stuck in a rut, but with 2 small boys of 2 and 3 and recently been made redundant I feel like there is no way out for me, like where do I start?
My dad and sister live 40 miles away, and although I know they would help me that would mean moving my sons away from their dad which I don’t want to do, for all his faults he would want to see them and be part of their lives, but do I stay in a town where I have no family and no friends (the 2 mummy friends I made have moved away) and no support network?
I feel like I would fail, I would be lonely and maybe I would regret it but maybe that’s because how he has conditioned me to think.
I don’t really know what I’m asking, I think I just want some support and unbiased views etc.
If you’ve got this far, thank you. I really appreciate it x

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 18/01/2021 14:07

It sounds like you’re unhappy in your relationship and if it won’t realistically improve then you need to take some steps to end it

Bubbles1st · 18/01/2021 14:11

What does he say? I imagine a conversation about moving forward and getting back on track could be in order, unless you don't love him anymore, in which case you would probably be less lonely alone than you with him.

movingonup20 · 18/01/2021 14:19

Look at the whole situation, are you normally happy but the extraordinary circumstances we find ourselves in is making you both grumpy, are you suffering from mental health issues that means you are finding it hard to do the normal tasks around the house, just in a general rut?

I suggest you need to set aside time to talk and promise each other to be able to say your bit without interruption, to express grievances etc. Sometimes relationships need to be worked at and we can start to get annoyed at each other and it can be saved. I don't know you but I know talking calmly helps whether it's back to marital bliss or down the track of splitting amicably.

Fidgety31 · 18/01/2021 14:20

I think it would help if you built up friendships outside of your relationship
It’s unfair to expect your partner to be everything .

ReggaePerrin · 18/01/2021 14:35

I feel like I would fail, I would be lonely and maybe I would regret it but maybe that’s because how he has conditioned me to think.

This is sticking out - has he manipulated you to think that? Whose choice was it for you to live where you do?

Fidgety has a point, do you have friends that you're in touch with?

Original poster
Lifeofme1984 · 18/01/2021 15:07

He’s very good at twisting things, the fact I was annoyed this morning (rightly) about the kitchen being a shit hole only needed an apology, but he’s said I shouldn’t have said it to him when he first got up and therefore, even though he apologised, he twisted it so I had too to. I would try to talk to him but he makes everything about him and it turns into an argument.

I have friends but they are in my home town along with my family, I did have friends round here but just before the pandemic they have moved so meeting with them is pretty impossible.

OP posts:
ReggaePerrin · 18/01/2021 16:15

I would try to talk to him but he makes everything about him and it turns into an argument.

My ex did that, he blamed me for everything that was wrong in his life too. You will not win with him, there is no reasoning.

40 miles isn't that far for him to come and see his children.

category12 · 18/01/2021 16:18

Forty miles isn't a long journey, especially if there's a decent road.

glitterfarts · 18/01/2021 16:29

40 miles isn't that far. You could meet half way each weekend. Or he could move closer to his boys.
At the end of the day, you need family support and friends. So I'd be moving closer to them. Then find ways to help keep the relationship with their Dad.

Original poster
Lifeofme1984 · 18/01/2021 16:42

Trouble is he is a shift worker and has 3 other kids, he sees twice a week so it wouldn’t be a usual every other weekend. If I was to leave, I know he would say I am selfish and I am stopping him having a relationship with his sons, which I would never do but I know he would make my life difficult. I don’t even know where to start, as he said earlier ‘ I don’t even have a pot to piss in’ Sad

OP posts:
ReggaePerrin · 18/01/2021 18:44

but I know he would make my life difficult. I don’t even know where to start, as he said earlier ‘ I don’t even have a pot to piss in’

He sounds quite abusive to you, is that right? You sound like you don't have much confidence where he's concerned. Do you feel trapped? Are you scared of him in any way?

WorryBadger · 18/01/2021 19:14

40 miles is not far for him to travel to see his kids. The logistics of how he does that with 3 other kids is absolutely his problem, not yours. However, 40 miles is just far enough to make such a difference in your life, having other people around you that you know, and feeling more free.
Whatever he says or does, it's his attempt to control you. He'll try trick A and if that doesn't work he'll try trick B and so on. Let him wear himself out, it's not your concern.

WorryBadger · 18/01/2021 19:18

For example, he might say (based on your posts)
You can't afford to leave me.
You'll be miserable without me.
I can't believe you'd do this to our children.
You are so selfish, now everyone will see that.

These are about as useful and accurate as the following statements:
I am a green hat and I live in a treehouse.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

It's just whatever his mind comes up with to achieve what he wants - it's not actually true.

Original poster
Lifeofme1984 · 19/01/2021 20:42

@WorryBadger

For example, he might say (based on your posts) You can't afford to leave me. You'll be miserable without me. I can't believe you'd do this to our children. You are so selfish, now everyone will see that.

These are about as useful and accurate as the following statements:
I am a green hat and I live in a treehouse.
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

It's just whatever his mind comes up with to achieve what he wants - it's not actually true.

Apparently I am the narcissist, poor bastard having to put up with me eh! You’re words actually stuck with me, I’ve thought about them a lot, just because he says things, it doesn’t mean that they are true and sure as hell not what other people think of me. I’m starting to think of the logistics, thank you for your words xx
OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 19/01/2021 20:45

You can live wherever you choose to.

C0NNIE · 19/01/2021 20:50

Lots of people commute 40 miles to work every day. He is perfectly capable of travelling that far to pick up his kids and take them to his house.

So what if he’s a shift worker? He will have to fit his work around his kids, like MILLIONS of single mums do.

It’s not your job to sacrifice your life and happiness so he’s not inconvenienced. If he was that bothered he would have tried harder to make it work with his ex and now with you.

Move back to be with your family. Will your family help you so you can get back to work?

Whydidimarryhim · 19/01/2021 21:50

I’d move and be nearer your supportive family. He is their Dad but he can travel and you can be flexible with the access.
He doesn’t bring you much joy and I’m sure your children will benefit from being around extended family.

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