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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Shocked

26 replies

xXOXOx · 18/01/2021 09:02

Not posted on this for quite a long time, need somewhere to vent and sorry this is quite long.
My ex split up with me around 8 months ago because he said he loved me but wasn't in love with me anymore. We had been together for almost 10 years and have a DC together. Since we split up he has still been around to see my DC, we've been on holiday together and still sleeping together. Anyway, recently I realised my period was late and it turns out I'm pregnant (I've been unable to get my usual contraception because of covid and he knows this) sometimes using condoms or he had been withdrawing, I know this is incredibly stupid of me but I couldn't help myself sleeping with him because I still loved him, had feelings and had hope we could sort things out since he was still wanting to spend time/being intimate with me. Since I've found out I've had a long think about what I wanted to do and I've decided to keep the baby, this is my child's sibling and I feel the love for this baby already. I didn't expect him to be happy about this baby but didn't expect him to quite react the way he has either. He said I'm selfish for wanting to keep this baby, bringing a baby into a broken home, he thinks it's selfish on all parties including my DC I already have, his family think the same and that it's only a seed just now. He doesn't want to talk to me anymore, I've to take someone to the scan that actually cares and phone him when I'm in labour. AIBU? I feel totally shocked, hurt and a bit numb tbh Confused how can someone treat someone like this and speak about their unborn child like this? It's amazing how something can make you totally change your mind about someone you thought you loved.

OP posts:
TooTrueToBeGood · 18/01/2021 09:07

Your body, your choice so he can do one. You need to start putting yourself and your children first now and emotionally distance yourself from him. I know it will be hard but you have to. He doesn't care about you. He has been using you and will do whatever he can to manipulate you to do what is in his own entirely selfish interests. Find your inner strength and don't let him play you.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 18/01/2021 09:11

Thank you, I have realised this and if anything I think this situation has given me more strength to not put up with his behaviour anymore. He has shown his true colours.

OP posts:
ILoveShula · 18/01/2021 09:41

He said I'm selfish for wanting to keep this baby

He should have thought about that when he was having sex with you.
Your body, your choice

He's the selfish one.

Lifeispassingby · 18/01/2021 09:47

He has been selfish for picking you up and dropping you whenever he wanted to. He made this baby as much as you did so has to take some responsibility for the baby when it arrives. Organise child contact arrangements from now on that mean you and he have as little contact as possible

HereIAmOnceAgain · 18/01/2021 09:59

If he didn't want more kids he should have been using protection. He chose not to do that, that was his choice. Now you're pregnant, no one except you get a choice. Your body, your choice.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 18/01/2021 10:04

Thanks everyone, exactly as I thought. I was starting to drive myself crazy second guessing myself. I'm starting to think he's a complete narcissist due to this and other occasions and don't know why I'm just realising now.

OP posts:
PurpleMustang · 18/01/2021 10:40

Ok, so you had obvious reasons for sleeping with him as you hoped to get back together so don't beat yourself about about your side of that. What was not smart was assuming you couldn't/wouldn't get pregnant having unprotected sex. You have now realised by his reactions that he has been caught out sleeping with you (probably told others how awful you are, how he would never go back to you and now that he's been caught out that you have got pregnant on purpose to make him go back). Decide what you want to do and just ignore him. And with the way he left, dont be surprised if there was another woman, who will now be putting two and two together and find out he has still been sleeping with you and her (another reason for his reaction, he will have to make it right with her by having nothing to do with the pregnancy). Get yourself STI checked too just in case

BumbleBiscuit · 18/01/2021 10:45

It never fails to astound me at how irresponsible fully grown men and women are with contraception. You risk bringing a life into the world for gods sake! That’s not something to be passive about!!

Haffiana · 18/01/2021 10:58

I've been unable to get my usual contraception because of covid and he knows this

Yes, but you knew this too.

So you were happy to take the risk to conceive a child with a man who had already told you he didn't want to be with you. You were trying to shag him into changing his mind which was a mistake hurting no-one but yourself, but what made you imagine that getting pregnant would change his mind?

Calling him a narcissist because he doesn't want a child with you is just a bit pathetic. You both took the risk so does that make you a narcissist as well?

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/01/2021 11:27

Beating the OP up for not using contraception is not helpful. She knows this now and that ship has sailed. Either offer compassion or butt out. Casting judgement on someone desperately in need of support is shitty in the extreme.

LexMitior · 18/01/2021 11:35

Well I think he isn’t a massive narcissist.

Take him at his word; don’t expect anything more from him. He’s your ex.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 18/01/2021 11:37

@PurpleMustang Yes unfortunately I'm starting to think this too, trying not to think about this and now focus on the health of me and my children.

@BumbleBiscuit As I've said on this, I was incredibly stupid not using protection but I loved this man and had feelings so found it hard to say no when he was asking to come up to my house and inviting me to holidays and trying it on with me. I was thinking he was willing to sort things out and wasn't thinking straight obviously. This little life inside me will still be loved.

@Haffiana
As for the shagging him trying to change his mind, if he had no intention of sorting things out with me then he should have stopped being cruel coming to my house, sleeping with me and taking me on holiday. Getting pregnant would change his mind? Why am I feeling you are putting sole blame on me when this situation is very much both of our faults if not his because if he knew we weren't getting back together and I loved him he was playing with my feelings spending time/sleeping with me. If you read my post properly you would see that I had wrote that he's a narcissist not only because of the way he's acting about this pregnancy but other situations and the way he's acted throughout our relationship.

OP posts:
Haffiana · 18/01/2021 11:41

@TooTrueToBeGood

Beating the OP up for not using contraception is not helpful. She knows this now and that ship has sailed. Either offer compassion or butt out. Casting judgement on someone desperately in need of support is shitty in the extreme.
I was passing judgement on her calling her baby's father a 'narcissist' when - after all - there were two of them not using contraception, one of whom had clearly told the other beforehand that he did not want to stay with her. She is casting judgement on him, and I don't agree with that.

Her situation is indeed shitty but why support the delusion that it is all his fault and he is a narcissist? That helps no-one, not OP and not her child. That is just hunning.

TooTrueToBeGood · 18/01/2021 11:44

Get over yourself. You were just indulging in kicking someone when they are down. It's as simple and as nasty as that.

SapatSea · 18/01/2021 11:44

He's sown his true colours, totally selfish, only thinking about what he wants and how it might impact his life or have consequences about how it makes him look to the outside world. If you want the baby have it , don't look to him for emotional support and don't phone him when you are in labour.

bluebell34567 · 18/01/2021 11:49

If you want the baby have it , don't look to him for emotional support and don't phone him when you are in labour.

Haffiana · 18/01/2021 11:56

As for the shagging him trying to change his mind, if he had no intention of sorting things out with me then he should have stopped being cruel coming to my house, sleeping with me and taking me on holiday. Getting pregnant would change his mind? Why am I feeling you are putting sole blame on me when this situation is very much both of our faults if not his because if he knew we weren't getting back together and I loved him he was playing with my feelings spending time/sleeping with me. If you read my post properly you would see that I had wrote that he's a narcissist not only because of the way he's acting about this pregnancy but other situations and the way he's acted throughout our relationship.

But if he was like this throughout your relationship then why did you
a/want him back?
b/ have one child with him let alone two?

Why am I feeling you are putting sole blame on me

I am not. You are both to blame. It was your post that was putting the sole blame on your ex partner.

crestar · 18/01/2021 12:03

Good on you - i don't agree with abortion in 'general' circumstances.

He sounds like an awful person and you sound like you are worth so much more than being with someone like him.

Original poster
xXOXOx · 18/01/2021 12:05

@Haffiana Well if you knew anything about narcissism then you would know that most victims of narcissists don't realise it's happening or obviously I wouldn't have would I?

Again if you read my post I wrote I realised now it was incredibly stupid, I am not just blaming him but we are in this situation now, I am not aborting my child and his behaviour is selfish and disgusting.

OP posts:
Original poster
xXOXOx · 18/01/2021 12:13

Thanks everyone else for your support Flowers

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 18/01/2021 12:18

I mean this in a supportive way but I actually think it’s better you see his true colours now; his behaviour has been pretty shitty by sleeping with you knowing that you still have feelings for him. He’s been trying to keep all the good parts of a relationship without the commitment and expectation that goes with it.

RobinWoodPrinceofLeaves · 18/01/2021 12:34

He says you are selfish for wanting to keep the baby but you can argue he is selfish for wanting rid of it. And I’m sure the baby would rather be born into a “broken home” than not be born at all.

As others have said, you need to concentrate on yourself and only contact him when you need to - child support, visitation etc

notanothernamechange766 · 18/01/2021 12:36

I echo other posters. Your body. Your choice.

Runkle · 18/01/2021 12:41

You've both been incredibly selfish and need to deal with the consequences.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 18/01/2021 12:42

Who cares what he thinks, he gave up any right to protest about this pregnancy when he didn't use a condom.
Abortion is not a reasonable method of contraception even if he thinks it is, it takes a heavy toll on a lot of women.

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