I've been with the same man for nearly 13 years, have two kids. He always struck me as quite quiet and loyal although could be moody and distant but I really, really never thought he'd cheat as he was quite judgmental about people who cheat. Plus he said to me that if I ever cheated, he'd dump me without questions.
Two years ago, I was blown away after taking kids to park to come home to borrow his computer and it popped up on a dating website. He'd tried to clear the history but had somehow messed up on it. I then tested him. I went out again and came home, checked his computer to find he'd been on it again. He had deleted history but it came up when you opened Last Page Visited or something like that. Devastated I confronted him. He said that he'd only gone on it because he'd seen a documentary about married dating website and he had one quick look. I said but you went on it twice. He then said well I thought you were on it so I went on to see if I could find you. He really, really locked down and wouldn't give any more info away so eventually I left it. About six months later, I had to borrow his spare phone as mine was broken. A message came through from a woman. She wanted to go for a drink, said the drink had to be that week as soon she'd "be gone." I didn't say anything about the message. Watched his panicked face after I handed the phone back and he saw it. He disappeared into the loo, with the phone. When he came out, I said oh actually can i just borrow your phone again. He gave it to me and I checked it and he'd deleted the messages. Eventually, i told him i'd found the messages. He denied it, said she was a colleague, it was nothing. I said ok, if she's a colleague prove it: ring her and lets all go out, I love going out with your colleagues. He looked very nervous and finally admitted that actually it wasn't a colleague. She was a trader, in her sixties, and a friend who'd been very supportive to him at the start of our relationship when I was being "very difficult" with him. But he said it was a friendship and not sexual. She just wanted to go out for a drink as she was moving abroad. Then, nothing for a year but a few months ago he went out and came home almost at dawn. Next morning, when I said gosh you were late, thinking nothing of it, (am I stupid?) his face made me believe he was lying and made me realise he thought he hadn't woken me up. He gave me a whole story about couldn't find his car, his keys, his coat etc etc. Then started buying me gifts and I thought ok, that nails it, he shagged someone. Finally I confronted him and again he just denied it, he stuck to his story, over and over and over. When I talked to older female friends, they told me to ignore it and play the long game.
Today, I was out and I could see through the window as I came home he was on his computer. When I opened it to check what he was up to, he had the kids homeschooling page open. Really? On a Sunday? Just getting a head start on the week? I said to him: 'what have you been up to?' He said, oh i was in bed asleep all afternoon.
Of course, I'm massively suspicious now. When I check on his computer all his passwords are saved - I can even access his pensions account - but his facebook page password is not saved. Also, usually he uses the same old passwords, birth dates, addresses etc but for his facebook account he has a unique password that isn't any of the usuals. Suspicious right? Especially as, when we first met, he contacted me through facebook having come across me professionally and fancied me. So facebook is obviously his modus operandi.
All in all, I guess its just that I don't know what to do. There's a lot he doesn't tell me. In his internet history there was a search for "anxiety specialist" but he's never talked to me about feeling anxious.
If he is cheating, do you leave someone? I have no proof. He's so clever at hiding stuff. I'm scared of leaving him, but also scared of spending my life in a half-relationship with someone who is basically treating me with contempt. If he would just talk about it, we could find some kind of real connection. But without real proof, what do I do? If I ask him, he lies.