This is not normal behaviour for a parent is it?

[xanxious]

I just found my old diary from when I was 16 or 17. I'm now 23. In it I write how my Dad has threatened to move abroad and never come back. I wrote how he doesn't care about me or my siblings, he says he will never come back and see us and can't wait to leave as he hates living with us. I thought all of this was normal to some degree, not normal enough to speak to my friends about but not worrying but now reading it back I am just like... this isn't normal at all?

I remember several times growing up he would threaten to leave and never come back. Sometimes he would say the stress of us children would give him a heart attack and he'll "probably" die because of us, or he would threaten to commit suicide or threaten to move away and never come back. If we were ever misbehaving and he couldn't get us under control he would start acting woozy/dizzy and say "I don't feel well, I have chest pain" so we would panic that he was going to have a heart attack or something and we would be quiet.

Once I was in town with him and my sister and I were bickering, as children do, and my Dad just walked out the shopping centre to the car. We had to try and find our way back to the car and then got shouted at.

He would leave the house and drive away saying he was never come back any time there was any kind of argument. I remember begging and pleading with him not to leave and crying and he would still leave. I remember waiting up anxiously as I expected the police to come around to say he had had an accident as that's what he always said he would do. Even as a teenager I have memories of staying up late tracking his movements on Find My iPhone to check that his location was moving at a consistent rate so I knew he was driving and hadn't had an accident. We weren't particularly badly behaved children or anything, it was just normal sibling arguments. He would always come back a few hours later and act like he was the victim as look at what me and my sister had driven him to do and how bad we were for that.

I don't know how I have not pieced all this together up until now and never realised how bad this all was?

No it’s not normal , where was your mum in all this ? Sounds like he maybe has mental health issues , depression ?

Yup, he sounds like a pretty grim father and a very unhappy man. But I can see how it got normalised at the time.

Did he have any redeeming features?

That's not normal at all, no. I'm sorry you went through that. How are things with you now?

Yeah that's not normal. At all.

Both my sons birth parents used to treat him similarly. It's left him with some horrible MH issues to deal with.

How do you feel in your adult relationships with men? Do you find yourself anxious and insecure?

It's not normal. It sounds like he was under a lot of stress and couldn't cope. He probably had problems with his mental health.

That's not an ok way to treat your children.

D'you think it's affected you as an adult?

He does have depression and has done for years. My Mum is still married to him. I am back at home because of lockdown. There are still arguments between my parents and his moods are quite volatile. He makes me jump because every now and again he will get annoyed and suddenly start shouting or arguing or slamming doors.

I have never been in a relationship. I am comfortable around men and have several male friends but I have no desire to be in a romantic relationship at the moment. I think seeing my parents' marriage has put me off to be honest.

I don't understand how I can get to 23 and not to have realised this was not normal.

Where was mum?

So sorry OP, sounds like he wasn't coping at all. Was your DM not around?
My Dm was a single parent to me and my bro. She used to pull some weird stuff. Not identical to your story. But some instances were similarly making me responsible for her happiness and well-being. Everything's my fault, never mind she was failing to be the adult in the situation.
In later life my therapist suggested she might have borderline personality disorder.
How is your relationship with your dad now?

I don't understand how I can get to 23 and not to have realised this was not normal

All children grow up in an environment that is 'normal' to them, because they haven't experienced anything else. Now you are an adult, your eyes have been opened to it.

Sorry op . My dad has pulled many stunts like this . I’ve come to terms with it now . He’s in denial but he is mentally ill. I’ve told him my child hood was appalling and I’m glad I’ve stuck up for myself in that respect . It’s affected my life greatly .

It’s good you see this as abnormal . You could always have therapy to help process an memories or emotions that come up .