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Original poster

You don't automatically stop caring about someone just because you've broken up with them, do you?

45 replies

cakeladyy · 17/01/2021 18:29

Hi all,

Feeling really down at the moment so please be kind

Bf of 3 years broke up with me 3 weeks ago, completely out of the blue. He said it was down to a number of reasons but mainly the fact that we had drifted apart over the last year or so. I had no idea he was feeling this way until he ended things, he'd never tried to talk to me about his feelings at all. I think it could be down to the fact that I have worked a lot over the last year and perhaps put my career ahead of our relationship. He wanted to start trying for a baby last year but I said no as I wasn't ready/felt I was to young (we are also still renting and I want to save up for a mortgage first if possible). We are in our mid 20's if it's relevant.

We've lived together for the last year and a half and naturally he has moved out, back to his mums since we are no longer together. I've tried to keep it together although the break up was definitely not mutual and I feel heartbroken inside. He has not really contacted me much over the last few weeks and has kept his distance. He rang me yesterday morning to let me know that he would be coming by some point next week to start packing his things up/move out properly. We didn't argue but I think it hit me that it's all real and I started to cry on the phone.

He's not messaged me once to ask if I'm okay or see how I'm coping and I think this has actually upset me more than the break up itself. It almost feels like he doesn't care about me at all now that we're no longer together. I understand he's trying to keep his distance, perhaps so that I don't get my hopes up thinking he'll change his mind but would it kill him to ask if I'm okay??
Do you automatically just stop caring about someone when you break up with them?
I would understand if the break up ended on bad terms/we'd been arguing etc but it's really not been like that. I think I've been quite understanding really.

OP posts:

FlyNow · 18/01/2021 00:59

Sorry though OP, break ups are horrible.

Guineapigbridge · 18/01/2021 01:54

Sorry but when I break up with someone I kind of don't want to have anything to do with them. It's like a light switch turning off. I'm pleasant if I bump into them on the street and i don't hate them but I don't really really care about them anymore.

AgentJohnson · 18/01/2021 03:31

Be honest, why do you still want contact? To litigate the validity of the break up, “closure” or to change his mind? As hard as it is being on the receiving end of a break up, you can’t remove a plaster gently. The advice to rip off the plaster and limit contact is there for a reason, false hope will only prolong the pain.

Not everything can be fixed and not everyone wants to fix things. I have been in relationships where by the time I understood what was wrong with them, it was clear I didn’t want to stay in them. No amount of talking would have changed how I felt. The truth is, there are no unjustified reasons to end a relationship.

Give yourself the space and time to grieve the relationship but he can’t be a part of that process because he simply doesn’t want to be and that’s good enough of a reason.

Shamefulcorners · 18/01/2021 05:01

@AgentJohnson

Give yourself the space and time to grieve the relationship but he can’t be a part of that process because he simply doesn’t want to be and that’s good enough of a reason.

I think you can rip off a plaster a bit more gently tbh and treat the person you are leaving with a bit of decency.

Why is it always (well, usually) blokes blind-siding women and instigating a break up out of the blue? Surely if you are together for three years as in op's case, you can be decent and let them know when you are first experiencing a problem? Why can't men act maturely and discuss their feelings? Why be so cowardly about it? Could it be that they are emotionally shallow? Or is it that a lot of men are using women for sex and were never emotionally involved in the first place? (Not saying that is the case in this instance.)

Bailegangaire · 18/01/2021 05:11

Flip the question in your title, OP. You break up with someone because you no longer care about them, or not as you should, and you realise you want different things. And messaging the person who didn’t want to breakup just muddies the waters. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but in my experience, unless children or pets are involved, there’s no real reason to maintain contact. Seek support from others, and take it easy on yourself.

Sundance2741 · 18/01/2021 07:10

I chose to break up with several long term boyfriends in my 20s. It just came to a point where I felt I knew they weren't for me long term and I wanted to move on (sometimes with someone else in mind, even if it was only a minor crush that I didn't pursue).

I wasn't devastated to leave them - more relieved I suppose - but I did still care about them as a friend. In fact with all but one, we did stay in touch as friends for at least a while. The one who most showed his devastation though, never contacted me again, though there were a couple of others who struggled and accepted my friendship for the wrong reason so I had to avoid seeing them after a while.

Superstardjs · 18/01/2021 07:19

If I finish with someone, it's like they never existed, I just switch that part off and go about my day - I appreciate that is not what you want to hear, but I've got them deleted and forgotten before I end the final conversation.

Heartlantern2 · 18/01/2021 08:30

No, don’t care about any of my ex’s. And I was with them longer than 3 years.

When you leave someone you have already fallen out of love with them most the time.
You don’t want to be a comfort to you ex as they take it as a sign you might get back together.

It hurts now, but time heals. Wishing you the best!

VettiyaIruken · 18/01/2021 08:35

Depends why you've broken up with them tbh.

An unforgivable act would do a lot of damage (abuse, infidelity, etc) or already having stopped caring and just limping along in a dead relationship. People often stay in a relationship that's not working for them far too long and by the time it ends, it's been over from their pov for so long they've totally disengaged.

It is hard to deal with OP and I'm sorry you're struggling.

Maunderingdrunkenly · 18/01/2021 08:37

I often think men are like Henry 8th in these situations, onto the next wife and don’t even attend the beheading.

I think if he’s dumped you he’s done all his grieving whilst still together but for you the news is obviously brand new.

I feel for you! Def go to others for support as pps have said.

daddyshark1976 · 18/01/2021 10:01

there's a lot of angry women on this forum, not all men are like this, some men, like me, "feel".

I don't like how men are stereotyped on here. You're all bang out of order.

Bailegangaire · 18/01/2021 10:10

@daddyshark1976

there's a lot of angry women on this forum, not all men are like this, some men, like me, "feel".

I don't like how men are stereotyped on here. You're all bang out of order.

Diddums.

VettiyaIruken · 18/01/2021 10:31

@daddyshark1976

there's a lot of angry women on this forum, not all men are like this, some men, like me, "feel".

I don't like how men are stereotyped on here. You're all bang out of order.

Oh poor baby. Nobody said all men were. People were giving their experiences. Women are allowed to do that you know.

If you'd even bothered to read the replies before having your tantrum you would realise that.

We're also actually allowed to be angry when treated poorly you know.

Grow the fuck up. We are under no obligation to pander to the menz feefees.

booboo24 · 18/01/2021 11:05

Why the viscious replies to @Daddyshark1976? Men are allowed to voice their opinions too!!! I say that despite coming from the place of being blindsided by my ex after 22 years together- he had apparently done all the thinking before leaving without even a hint. I never got any answers from him, but time healed and we now have quite a good friendship, but it takes time. Like most posters say on here, anyone can chose to leave a relationship, that's their right.

OP i know first hand how awful this is, and yes I agree with others that say he has had time to come to terms with the end of the relationship where as you are just starting to grieve, but I do think he probably cares, just not in the way that you want him to anymore. He is probably doing you a favour by going nc, even if it feels cruel. I'm really sorry

movingonup20 · 18/01/2021 11:22

No you don't, but every situation is different. My exh is one of my best friends, certainly care about what happens to him just as a couple we were over.

Itsallpointless · 18/01/2021 11:31

I often think men are like Henry 8th in these situations, onto the next wife and don’t even attend the beheading.

This made me laugh out loud!!

Personally speaking, if I cared enough about someone to keep in touch with them, I would question why we broke up in the first place. As you are feeling so raw, no contact is the best thing for you, as any kind of communication from him would probably give you false hope.

A break up is very hard, especially when you didn't see it coming, I really feel for you OP

VettiyaIruken · 18/01/2021 12:08

@booboo24

Why the viscious replies to *@Daddyshark1976*? Men are allowed to voice their opinions too!!! I say that despite coming from the place of being blindsided by my ex after 22 years together- he had apparently done all the thinking before leaving without even a hint. I never got any answers from him, but time healed and we now have quite a good friendship, but it takes time. Like most posters say on here, anyone can chose to leave a relationship, that's their right.

Did you read even one man bashing angry woman reply to the OP? Because I certainly didn't. There were no 'man bashing' replies at all. So yes, his "you're all bang out of order namalt you angry women" was ridiculous and not at all an accurate interpretation of the replies on this thread.

booboo24 · 18/01/2021 12:23

@vettiyalruken i just thought the replies were far worse than his comment, that was all!

VettiyaIruken · 18/01/2021 12:32

I only replied because you specifically asked. Not trying to fight with you over it 😁 We'll have to agree to disagree. I think coming on a thread to give it the "how dare you you angry women all of you are awful" crap when the replies are nothing of the sort is worse than being told to grow the fuck up for doing it.

booboo24 · 18/01/2021 12:34

@VettiyaIruken Not wanting to argue either, I was just answering your question that's all

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