Should I be embarrassed/concerned?

[Onslow1964]

My partner and I have suffered two miscarriages, one during lockdown and one just before and it has put a great deal of stress in our relationship. I feel this is mostly because he doesn’t communicate well and I’ve held a bit of resentment towards him about it and took it as it didn’t care. We love eachother so much have been together 10 years and this is the first bump we’ve experienced. I’ve struggled with seeing what seems like everyone having lockdown babies. We’ve had many rows which have ended up in shouting matches due to frustrations (and the fact he is quite a shouty person) which I’m certain the neighbours will have heard. The neighbours are also having a baby the week after we were due to which doesn’t help the situation either.
I’m spending all my time reflecting on that they may have heard shouting matches and giving myself massive anxiety over worrying what they think. Am I being really stupid? Should I not care and put it down to a horrendous few years with miscarriage, lockdown (also my husband suffered an injury during the time). Are there bigger things I should be worried about? Any advice would be appreciated?

I would worry about the shouting... why do you argue?

Oh my god I've had total screaming matches with my husband...our neighbours have also!

I wouldn't worry, speak to your husband about the arguments and maybe have a word with your neighbour apologising? I'm sure they'll reassure you?

Sending and I'm sorry for your losses

Sorry about your miscarriages .

What sort of injury did he suffer?

There are bigger things to worry about than whether the neighbours hear you rowing, such as the reasons why you're rowing .

Maybe you'd benefit from relationship counselling together? Unless by him being a "shouty person", you mean there's emotional abuse.

Every couple argue I really wouldn’t worry. However if your arguing because of what you’ve been through maybe you need to sit down and talk. I cannot Imagine the hurt and pain you must both be feeling but you should be supporting each other not letting the frustrations boil over. Unless of course as PP has said and you mean emotional abuse and then it’s a whole different story

I tend to build up all my tensions and it comes out the wrong way, I’ve been suffering from anxiety and depression and received some counselling to help me deal with my grief as it did used to come out more as anger.
He simply snaps at silly things (if I wake him if he is snoring on the couch) and I’m forever telling him to chill out and not react like that. I thought what had happened would put things into perspective. I get frustrated when he continues to be snappy over nothing important and snap back and then a mountain is made out of a molehill. Like I say we love eachother so much and have had no serious problems before now.
There’s been many times I’ve nearly broken down to the neighbour to say I’ve been struggling with my mental health and the miscarriages but feel I’ve missed the chance and they are now excited for their own baby.

He snapped his Achilles’ tendon. So has been frustrated about that and I had to help him with many physical tasks whilst trying to navigate through my grief.

Has he dealt with his grief?

He says he has and is worried about me. He will not entertain relationship counselling. I can’t seem to stop reflecting on how this has affected us as a couple and going back to our arguments, rather than just moving on.

Personally and I’m not an expert as I have never experienced losing a baby and I’m sorry you have but do you think maybe you need to continue seeking help hopefully you can deal with your grief and that will let you move on as much as you can. It will affect you as a couple you need time you’ve been through a lot

You both need to reflect and take responsibility for your angry behaviours. You know this isn’t acceptable and you are worried about your reputation with your neighbours. I would be much more worried about the detrimental emotional impact these behaviours would have on a future baby / child. Was this a one off due to the difficult situation you find yourself in? Or is this a pattern in your RS. Even with your deep losses it’s not great that that pain is flipped into rage at each other when you are both grieving. Might be good to look at better anger management, communication, compassion, de escalation and calming and coping techniques.

Do you both come from “shouty” / high conflict homes?

I am really sorry for your losses - they must be amplified in this v difficult time.

Hello OP. I’m really sorry you’ve had two miscarriages. It’s such an awful thing to go through and I think it can bring up a lot of issues for couples. I would try to stop worrying about the neighbours too much. It doesn’t really matter what they think about your rows and we’ve all done embarrassing things under extreme circumstances. I still cringe over an episode on a train where a woman quite rudely kept offering me tissues because I was sniffing and I assume she thought I had a cold. The thing was, I hadn’t realised I was sniffing as I’d just found out about my third miscarriage and was deeply distressed and had been crying a lot. I burst into tears and made a bit of a fool of myself. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is forgive yourself for anything embarrassing you think you’ve done and try not to beat yourself up over it anymore. You have been through a lot of grief and it is very hard to deal with, but I did find it got easier as I was able to come to terms to some degree with what had happened.

Regarding your partner, if it was me I’d want to sit down with him and have a conversation about how you’re feeling and how you could improve your communication. Ideally you want to support each other and be on the same page about things. I would try to be non-accusatory and calm and see what he says.

Also, I think women do go through some really hard physical things when it comes to miscarriages that men may not fully be able to comprehend. I’m not saying that they don’t grieve deeply but I’m talking about the physical pain and distress of miscarriage which can be very traumatic. I found I had to accept that my partner couldn’t 100% know how I felt or what I’d been through. At the same time - I would expect my partner to try to understand and be very sympathetic.

I hope things get better for you soon.

Thank you for all your messages.
I do agree that the shouting is concerning, my partner comes from a shouty household. His parents are always shouting at one another over petty unimportant things and they treat him the same way, even at aged 36.
It’s gets me down and sometimes makes me feel disrespected and uncared for. I try and not react but sometimes I lose my cool, flip and that’s when other things, I.e. emotions around miscarriages come to the surface.
I’m trying really hard to work on myself and dealing with my emotions, anger, however my counsellor told me I need to stop beating myself up and be more self compassionate. It completely throws me off my game when arguments start over petty things. I wish he would respect that and work on it for me.

If he's a habitually shouty person, I think that's pretty unacceptable and would cause a bad atmosphere. A lot of people shout occasionally, but it sounds like something he needs to work on and find a better way to deal with frustrations, especially if you're hoping for a family together. I'm so sorry about your miscarriages btw. I wouldn't worry about your neighbours, unless it's happening all the time. Then yes it's an issue that needs to be addressed properly between you.

@Onslow1964

Clearly there are a number of issues.but snapping your Achilles' tendon is a terribly traumatic injury to suffer and will have impacted badly. Takes years not months to recover normally

You can't move forward because you are not being heard by anyone. You have no route to resolving your distress.

You might love him but he sounds bad for you. We can love people who are bad for us. It doesn't change the fact that they are bad for us though.

There are a number of issues, his injury, lockdowns, two miscarriages. It’s all been really tough and taken it’s toll. I’m trying to take care of my health, he doesn’t and he smokes. Nothing happening conception wise for six months. Both working from home and I’m also studying for exams.
The arguments can happen quite regularly (around once a month) mostly when my period is due and I’m completely on edge so any snapping over nothing can push me to my limit. Trying my best to keep it together but when it goes wrong it sets me right back again.

I’m so sorry about your miscarriages. It sounds to me as if you have a rock solid loving relationship. Your counsellor is right you really need to take care of yourself. You are bound to feel anxious over the miscarriage and injury. Do you have a supportive family? I think your partner cares a lot but he is struggling too and my maybe his pent up stress and emotions are coming out as shouty. My husband is shouty - it’s just the way he is - I’ve just learned to shout back:-)! As for your neighbour - park it - have a little joke about the shouting in the future - I’m sure they’ve forgotten about it!. You can get pregnant so it’s just a matter of time before something good happens on that front xxx

The neighbours hearing your rows isn’t the problem, the rows as a result of your poor relationship communication is.

I’m sorry for your losses but the difficult circumstances have exposed some deep flaws in your relationship and shouldn’t be swept under the ‘if it wasn’t for this and the other’ carpet.

Being shouty is not an acceptable communication style, so don’t make excuses for it. It’s time to work on your relationship. Things and people change and so does the way we view them.