Funeral indecision

[MoonshineWashingLine]

My ex partner sadly passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. We were still friends but lived many miles apart and had only seen each other twice in the last 12 years since we split up.
I feel a strong need to go to the funeral but I also feel that, due to covid, I shouldn't go.
It's a 3 and a half hour drive there and then the ceremony will probably be about 30 - 40 mins and then I'll have to drive 3 and a half hours back again on my own.
I know I'd stress about the journey, I can't take anyone with me in my car for moral support due to covid restrictions and I don't particularly want to get the train.
But I still feel a really strong need to go. We have known each other for 18 years and despite not being particularly close for 12 of them, we were together for 5 of those years and I still cared a lot for him.
I can watch the funeral online and there will be a scattering of ashes in the summer when things are (hopefully) better but I still don't know what to do.
My current partner said that if it was him he wouldn't go but my mum thinks I should go but then she's less worried about covid than we are for some reason.... I'd hate to put my family at risk by attending.
I'm inclined to wait until summer for the scattering of ashes but at the same time feel like I really should be there at the cremation. I know it's a deeply personal decision but has anyone else been in a similar situation and what did you decide? Thank you.

Is there anyway you could watch it on video stream. I know with current restrictions many services are being held this way now

I could yes, I have the link already.

This may well be an idea then . Have you spoken to the family to see if you'd be included in the restricted numbers? Only you can decide but I'd maybe discuss it with their family also

Yeah I can go if I want to. There's a place for me, which is what makes it even harder to decide.

I think wait until the summer for the scattering of the ashes. You may be able to stay in a local hotel then and only travel one way each day, and possibly then not travel alone.

Why are you hesitating? Is it Covid or is it the journey?
If it's Covid then ensure you keep your distance from everyone when you're there. Wear a mask inside the crematorium and sit as far from others as you can.

If it's the journey, could your current partner go with you to share the driving and wait in the car during the ceremony? I've done distances like that in one day many times and indeed did so for my mothers funeral. Tiring but doable.

If you feel like you want to go, then go.

You can take it easy on the drive, give yourself plenty of time, and have as many stops as you need - take yourself snacks and a picnic, and a blanket in case you need to nap in the car.

I’d watch it via video link....

I don’t think I’d go. Watch the online stream at home or do something else to remember him. One of my best friends died recently. The funeral was awful, just awful. Only 30 people, half an hour, distanced, it felt impersonal. I came away feeling very very upset that his send off was so drab and empty. Obviously no wake etc. You can’t stay around after to talk. Do something more sociable in the summer when you’ll have more opportunity to celebrate his life. I’m sorry for your loss

I would do video link and go for scattering of ashes later .

Having been to 4 lockdown funerals it’s just not the same .

You can’t sit together or really talk or comfort people afterwards .

That’s a long way to go just for the funeral and no celebration of life .

If you feel you want to go then I would. If you dont you would kick yourself after and whilst watching the streaming of the funeral all you will be thinking is ‘i should be there’

He was a big part of your life, and even though you say some of the time wasn’t pleasant then saying goodbye will be closure for you ( that sounds quite bad written down)

Also, sending my condolences.

I drove 230 miles for my uncle's funeral in June. I got a little airb&b for the night before and the night of the funeral so I didn't have to drive on the same day, my family offered me places to stay but I wanted somewhere on my own so I wouldn't anyone at risk, including myself.
I drove straight there with no stopping at services (which was fun for my bladder!) and the same on the way back.
As far as I know, hotels and airbnbs are still open, correct me if I'm wrong!?
Would that be an option? Even just one night to break it up?
It's a really tough decision.
I guess as long as his family are happy for you to be there to scatter his ashes, that's always an option if you don't go to the funeral and then wished you had done... if that makes sense!?
Would your DP be disappointed if you did go?

I think you want or may I say "need " to go. There wont be many at the funeral with covid restrictions. If u can drive, u have a safe journey there. I would go. Its important. Keep your distance there. Stand at the back, mask, visor, change of clothes, whatever. But I'd go pay my respects in these shitty ass times. Might just be comforting for the family to just see u there. Xxxx

I agree with @AmywithanL. Your inclination is to go and I think you would regret not going. In your shoes, I would go and would do everything I could to reduce the COVID risks.

Thank you everyone who replied. It's a difficult decision. Me and two friends wanted to go but we had a chat and decided that it would probably be more sensible to wait until the ashes scattering /celebration of life thing that will be happening in the spring /summer. I know I'll feel bad for not going to the cremation though😔