There's a wall Infront of me and I can't break it down

[Whatxdoxixdo]

Please only reply if you can be kind. I am absolutely lost and dont know what to do.

Living with my children's dad. They are 6 and 3 and half. We've been living separate lives for the best part of two years. Its not a relationship. We've lost it all. We've tried. We've not improved. For me my end I am u happy in this situation. he thinks in 2 years time we can rebuild it. He is blaming on our kids. But we are the most useless pair it feels. We are unorganised. Disconnected. Yet no hate. I wouldn't even feel happy to kiss him on the lips. I don't feel anything that way towards him.

But here's where people will judge. There's someone else. I ended things through two conversations with my children's dad a few months ago. He listened. Then a few weeks later he needed reminding. We have to live together for now. mortgage. Me currently not working. Our children. Etc. It's just the way it has to be until in the future we can figure it out. Which is ok because there's no wars going on. But it's killing me because I am in love with someone else. He's in love with me. We went a future together. We are spending time together. Talking. We've had many conversations and we click. We really do. Whilst we've spent time together we've choosen not to have sex until my partner really accepts the situation. We are like best friends who just can't wait to go more places. Spend weekends doing things. I just want to explore this potential happy relationship and feel trapped.

I feel like I'll break my children's dad's heart. I feel both sides of the family will judge. Be cross with me. Think I'm breaking my family up. It's like he just wants to plod along and has convinced himself having sex 3 times in 4 years is normal. We don't kiss. We don't share a bed. We don't have passion. We don't laugh together. We don't have conversations. We complain. We seem to be taking it in turns to keep the kids out the way for the other to do something. I don't want that.

The new man. It's going to be so easy for people to say forget him. Be alone first. But I can't do that. This isn't just a rebound. Or a bit of attention. This is someone I've clicked with. So much more than anybody I've ever clicked with. We think so much of eachother. I can not give up what we've developed.

But what I want is some honest advice on what to do next. To break this down so I can make the right choices.

I've got my childrens dad thinking there's still hope and it's ok to go years without an adult relationship.

I've got me alone and sad everynight. Sitting in bed alone with no connection.

I've got a man who wants to spend time with me and he's like a dirty secret yet I would do anything to be in his life properly.

I've got kids. A mortgage. I want the kids to have a good life. I feel that they can't have that with unhappy parents.

I feel like I've got to please everyone around me and justify and explain. Because they don't know how alone I am. How lost I am. How our relationship is none existent.

I want to do the right thing. Please if anyone has any helpful advice. I sit awake at night going over it all and I can't seem to get any further along.

I repeated myself for the third time Friday to my children's dad and he said I can't make rash decisions yet. Not with covid etc. He said we will work it out. So he dismissed me again.

Make your split official. Tell family and friends that you're still living together for practicalities but that you split up a few months ago officially after years of the marriage being practically dead.

Don't dismiss spending time on your own before jumping into a new relationship. When you've had no passion etc, any little thing is magnified. However , just because you like this man, it doesn't mean it has to be forever. Enjoy it for what it is and see how it develops but don't feel you have to prove anything to anyone.

And lastly, your life and your relationships are noone else's business. Do what is right for you and not for what it may look like.

You sound so lost and unhappy.

I can only tell you what I did when in a similar situation. My DD was a baby at the time. (Her father was an abusive arse)

I got back into work, found myself an apartment and left. I wanted to get my identity back, my resilience and independence.

Just tell him it's over and start working out how you can effectively co-parent

OP are you in the UK?
If you are you can leave him and go on Universal Credits. This situation will be doing you no good

You need to start getting things ready for your new life and start taking steps towards it.

You need a job. You need to find out what you're likely to come out of the split with. If you're not married, it'll be matter of sorting out the house and getting child support.

You need to direct your energies at the future you want.

If you've already told him it's over then what is the specific issue? Just living together? Or do you mean you're just going along with him not accepting it?

If you've told him it's over then that's that. Start making proper plans to move away or for him to.

Get your ducks in a row first, you need a job, find out on entitled to website www.entitledto.co.uk/ see if you would be entitled to benefits, I agree you should split as there is no relationship anyway and you would be better to co parent, keep it as amicable as possible, you'll need him to pay maintenance.

Keep the new relationship low key as in not telling everyone straight away.

She has already split with him.

Hi. I can't work until my son's in school as I have absolutely nobody to help me with my other child's schooling. Or babysitting my son. Nobody to have them in the holidays. So I'm in that boat where I will likely try and work in a school or something until they are older. So I'm kinda stuck in this situation for a year and a half money wise and work wise.

I can't leave due to being on this mortgage and having no money of my own. I didn't think it was possible for me to have benefits etc as my kids dad is earning good money and whilst on this mortgage I thought I would be classed as not needing anything.

It's been my house for longer. I worked until I had my second child then financially it just made sense. Plus the above about nobody to help me out left us with this as the best option.

I feel like I've tried to gently tell my partner. He listened. His eyes filled up. He made rubbish suggestions to change things. Which we've talked about before and they alone are not going to save us. I kept repeating that right now for me it's not an option to be together I feel it's just not like that. Then he put words in my mouth and said he refuses to listen as that's saying there's no hope left. I felt rotten. Left it two weeks and repeated it. Then Friday repeated it again. He went upstairs and hit the door and cried with frustration. So now I'm still stuck as I know he hasn't agreed or accepted. He is breaking my heart as I don't want to be horrible.

He's the kindest man. But he's very dull. The man I am close to has interests. He loves cars. He loves gardening. He has a favourite football team. He likes cooking. He's a big dog lover and has recently rescued a dog. He loves music. He likes certain brands of clothing. He has a favourite aftershave. He is hands on and likes to be busy. I know he would push me in life and be someone I could enjoy life with again. He does small things that are so sweet. He takes interest. He's caring. He's funny.
Whereas my ex?? He just doesn't have any interests or passion. The only thing he likes is work and anything to do with it (ict security) he doesn't love anything. He isn't bothered about clothes, he has never had any hobbies or interests. He doesn't care about music, sports etc. He doesn't have a favourite thing. Or a secret love for anything. He doesn't collect anything. He doesn't have any dreams or plans for our home or garden. He never suggests things to do. Never makes plans for us. Never looks for places to go. Never spontaneously does anything. He's never got me flowers. Has no I lnterest in romance or making me feel special. He hates jewellery so I stopped wearing it. Any changes I've wanted to make like taking the huge conifers out the garden are a no. I could go on forever. But I just know we don't have a fun or healthy future together.

It might seem I'm comparing him to the man i love. But that's because he's so much more what I like and what I miss.

I just don't feel ready to tell him there's someone else. I don't want to be harsh and say it's definitely over in a cruel way. I wanted him to accept it in nice tones.

I don't have any options to leave here in the next few months. I want the kids to feel secure. But I do want to spend more time with the other man. I've been so lonely for so long and I selfishly want to be happy and have a tiny bit of adult life back.

How will you work part time now you're single though? How will you be able to run your own place on part time money?

You don't need to compare them though. You've split up and met someone else. Don't tell your ex if you don't want to, but you need to move forward.

What do you think other working single parents do in the holidays, or with schooling and babysitting? They have to make compromises, pay for childcare, or work when the other parent has them. If your child is three, you should get something like 15 hours free nursery hours? I know it's difficult during Covid, but you can't blithely say "I can't work" - of course you can, loads of sole parents do.

You can sell up and divide any proceeds of the house, or he could buy you out, maybe.

Are you just hoping the new man will house and support you rather than having to do anything yourself?

You cannot expect your ex husband to bankroll you for the next 1.5 years, surely?

Or is the new man going to support you?

You need to get back to work and become financially independent of your husband.

Work out the equity is in the house so you know if you can buy a place outright or if you will need a mortgage.

If you need a mortgage then you need to earn enough to pay it every month.

It sounds a bit like you want to split up from dh but continue to live together while being able to go on dates/mini breaks with new partner? That would never be a possibility so if you are serious about wanting to divorce, you need to work out your potential income/outgoings.

I'm a single parent. I managed to have a child and career.

If you split parenting 50/50 you will have more time than me I can guarantee that.

You will also have time to pursue this other relationship away from your children.

Have a look at what benefits you would be entitled to as a single parent, both not working and working part time. There will be too ups available for childcare.
Lots of single parents work. It’s the way it has to be.
Then see a solicitor for advice about divorce and how you would go about dividing the assets and living separately.
You can’t move on in the situation you are in.

Has your xH always been this dull?

If so why did you pursue a marriage and have two children with him?

Or has something happened in either your life or his for him to be this way or you to see him this way?

Sorry I didn’t mean that to sound so blunt .... I wanted to continue that it is worth thinking how you ended up sleep walking into something so that you don’t end up in a similar situation again.

If you have split up and living in the same house, you can still claim Universal Credit for you and the children. But you have to be living separately so no cooking for him, no washing, separate food cupboards etc

As PP have said there are practical and financial options you can investigate and research so that you can evaluate your options and make the best choices for you and your children.

However you need to separate this out from the emotional situation. It seems intolerable that you continue living under one roof for 18 months. I also see that you feel trapped because your xH hasn’t accepted your marriage collapse. It’s not your obligation to wait and help him comes to terms with this. You just need to take action - then he will come to terms with it in his own time. Don’t worry about what friends and family think - assume they will be shocked, surprised and disappointed but in a few weeks they will get over it.

Also childcare provision and costs is the responsibility of both parents - your xH is 50% responsible.

I don't mean to sound harsh but I think You need to stop telling yourself what you can't do and make your split with your DH official and focus on what you can / need to do to move on. As a PP said tell friends and family you have separated with your husband, but explain you are living together until finances sorted. You need to seek legal advice to find out what happens with your house. Look to find out what you're entitled to and look for a job. On universal credit you can still earn a certain amount as well as receiving universal credit. You can also claim some of your childcare costs. You just need to make the transition as easy as possible for your kids.
Everything about your new potential partner will be amazing at the minute as you're constantly comparing to your husband. When you finally make the split official do take some time for yourself. But your relationship is nobody else's business, they don't live your life and so possibly can't comment. Good luck OP.

You can get benefits if you're split from your partner and still living in the same house. I didnt know this until someone at jobseekers told me and I lived in the same house as my ex for 1.5 years whilst receiving benefits (he earns food money).

So apply for universal credit - you have nothing to lose. And you're not solely responsible for your children, he is too.

Get a job, get him to do childcare too and get your benefits.

And stop comparing new man to ex. That has nothing to do with it. And it is very different living with someone to just having chats. He may be a bore with his hobbies and have no time for you for example. Regardless, you're splitting up with your ex for very good reasons. Concentrate on that and don't put this other man on a pedestal.

I’m a single parent I have my own home and a job and have done and do plenty of Things such as travel and study etc it’s not the prison sentence u seem to think it is ??

You say the house was yours longer ? What are the specifics there ?
Are you married ?

The house can be sold and equity split to help towards a new house surely ??

This stalling is helping no one . You will be entitled to help towards childcare and living costs as a single parent , I’d suggest looking for a job and one of you moving out of the home ASAP

Split up properly with him and start planning what you can do next

Your situation sounds horrible and I don't want to make it worse but, although it is technically possible, I think you would have a great deal of trouble persuading the DWP to give you UC if you are still sharing a house with someone who can afford to support you and with whom you have been in a relationship. They would doubt your claim that you are genuinely separated.