Division of labour - AIBU?

[troubledoldersister]

We both work from home on a full time basis, but both have roles that are traditionally office based. DH has been pretty much permanently WFH all the time I have known him (13 years). My job used to be 60/40(ish) but permanent WFH since the pandemic. His job is VERY quiet and most days he barely has anything to do. My job is very full on, with a lot of responsibility. I often work long hours. There are longstanding feelings of inadequacy/insecurity around his job.

I also spend a lot of time on family responsibilities (my parents) and I am also trying to cope with the issue of my drug addict brother.

No DC.

Pre-covid we had a cleaner, he did most of the washing. I did all cooking, shopping, planning etc. We agreed that for various reaaons it was no longer feasible to have a cleaner, but one of my conditions of letting her go was that housework was to be split 50/50. This happened for a few weeks.

We had a massive row last night because I am feeling increasingly resentful that he is doing way less than his fair share. I am now doing all of the washing, cleaning, shopping, cooking etc. I spend a large chunk of my weekends doing it. He thinks IABU to feel resentful because he recently fitted the kitchen and has (kind of) semi-project managed the building of a small extension/interior renovations. I told him last night of course I am grateful you can (and do) do these things, but doing the 'big stuff' (and taking the glory for it) does not excuse you from the smaller, crappier stuff. No one wants to do it, but it still has to be done.

IABU to think if he has no work to do, he really ought to be taking on the bulk of the household work, or at least 50/50?!

Unless it’s a financial issue, which it doesn’t sound like it is if you’re both still working, get the cleaner back. Look, I know it doesn’t solve the problem of feeling aggrieved that DP doesn’t put the effort in, but in an otherwise good relationship life really is too short to be arguing about cleaning and chores when you don’t have to.

Do your own laundry, let him do his. Cook if you fancy cooking. If you only fancy a sandwich for dinner then he can fend for himself. Don’t let there be an assumption that there will be a cooked meal on the table. Not in a tit-for-tat way, just the reality of two adults without DC to care for - neither of you is responsible for the other.

100% agree with you.

A common problem! I don't know why so many men are like this. I say to my DH that when he does the big DIY stuff I'll pick up his slack as he has skills I don't have in that area but otherwise it should be split closer to 50/50. It's more like 80/20 in his favour!! He gets mad when I mention it but it can't go on forever - the unfairness and resentment wear you down.

@ComtesseDeSpair

Unless it’s a financial issue, which it doesn’t sound like it is if you’re both still working, get the cleaner back. Look, I know it doesn’t solve the problem of feeling aggrieved that DP doesn’t put the effort in, but in an otherwise good relationship life really is too short to be arguing about cleaning and chores when you don’t have to.

Do your own laundry, let him do his. Cook if you fancy cooking. If you only fancy a sandwich for dinner then he can fend for himself. Don’t let there be an assumption that there will be a cooked meal on the table. Not in a tit-for-tat way, just the reality of two adults without DC to care for - neither of you is responsible for the other.

It's not a financial issue (in so much as we can afford it) but it's a lot of money when there are 2 adults at home who can clean and also all of our cleaners have been a bit rubbish. Therefore I resent spending a few thousand pounds a year on something that we could do ourselves (and better).

I get what you're saying about not being responsible for one another, but how do you get around the general house cleaning? I said to him last night of he wants to live in the hovel that he lived in when we first met, that's fine, but I don't want to live like that and I won't. He seems to think if I don't like the dirt then it's my issue to clean it. I don't think dusting and hoovering once a week is excessive personally!

He did adopt a more conciliatory tone towards the end of our conversation (read: row) but I'm still really annoyed about it and how he's tried to make me out as unreasonable or always having a go. He can't seem to take any form of criticism at all.

Playing devil’s advocate: if he genuinely doesn’t mind living in a slightly dirty house but you like living in a clean and tidy house - which of you is right? Why should he put his time and effort into cleaning when he isn’t fussed about the result?

I do understand what you’re saying. When different people have different standards it’s hard to push square pegs into round holes and somebody always ends up feeling hard done by. DP and I split chores along the lines of “who cares most about this issue?” I don’t care about cooking (before we moved in together, I lived in my last flat for almost four years and could count on my fingers the number of times I switched the oven or hob on) and wouldn’t do it of my own volition. DP likes nice meals, so cooking is his chore. I like to wash different fabrics separately at different temperatures and wash cycles, whereas DP just bungs everything in together; so laundry is my chore. I think it would be unreasonable for him to try to make me care about cooking and do it his way, and for me to make him care about laundry and do it my way. Generally we just muddle through and more importantly, try to see things from the other’s perspective - if you’ve already tried to get him to see yours and he refuses to concede then I’m not sure how you move forward. Have you tried a very serious “this sort of attitude doesn’t work for me long term; a relationship should make both of our lives easier and you are making mine harder; if we can’t begin to understand each other’s perspectives and help each other out then maybe we have to think about splitting up.”?

He sounds like a lazy twat.

The fact that he lived in a hovel before you moved in was a big hint.

For God's sake don't have children with him whilst he is so lazy.

Doing a big job does not get you out of the regular jobs.

Does he think its wimmins work?

Because if he does you need to set him straight.

You are doing too much.
Stop doing it.
All of it.

You don't have children so sort it out or leave him.

Or you can suck it up and accept that you have a shit future.

Do you want to be the skivvy in your home?
That's what it comes down to.

It comes down to self respect.

You deserve better.

I mean hovel might have been a bit strong, but it wasn't just a bit untidy or dusty. It was dirty. The idea about who cares more about what is a good one, problem is he doesn't care about cooking (but will happily eat the nice meals I make) doesn't care about cleaning (but will happily sleep in the clean bed I made) etc etc - so what does that actually leave?

Billy I said something along those lines about kids last night. I also told him in no uncertain term: I would not go part time or sacrifice my career - I plan to do compressed hours (5 days in 4) he would need to do the same, with childcare for the 3 days we both worked.

I hear you OP, currently feeling like you do and all the small things are building up and gathering pace at the minute.
My DP has always worked shifts and WFH so would often be at home, I've only been WFH for about 4 months and we have 3 kids.
I do all washing / ironing and cooking always have and probably always will. This also includes meal planning and shopping.
He used to do hoovering, load / unload dishwasher clean kitchen bathroom etc it worked well. But I would also do these chores if they needed doing and I was at home.
He has developed a hobby over the last couple of years... and he no longer 'voluntarily' does the above. He gets frustrated if, for example I ask if he can unload / load dishwasher. Its almost like now that im WFH I can do that as well. Yet he Spends hours on his hobby...
He took some clean bedding out the dryer and left it on the sofa. When I asked why he didn't take it upstairs or even make the bed.. he had no answer, just laughed it off Obviously that's my job as well. All these things on their own are small and insignificant, they have the snowball effect and im not sure how big its going to get before I explode !!

Why are you doing all the shopping, cooking and laundry? Those aren’t even connected to how clean or tidy your home is. Why doesn’t he make meals? Why is it your job to keep him in clean clothes?

Rota, rota, rota.

Divvy all of this up in advance. Agree on a fair division in advance based on working hours and whatever other factors exist.

Agree on a timeframe various chores need to be done in. You will probably both need to compromise if you have different standards and different cleaning styles. (I would rather mop and hoover properly once a fortnight, DP would rather constantly clean as he goes every day but not in a full-on way - our compromise is once a week.)

Once you've agreed to all of this step back and say nothing about the chores which are his territory until he goes, say, a day over your agreed timeframe. (This leeway is acceptable.) Then point it out once.

If he's still slacking time for another sit-down conversation.

Courtesy of the slobby one in the relationship, a technique that has helped me become ever so slightly less slatternly.

Your saying he will have to compress his hours once children come along might put you on a hiding to nothing- you can suggest, insist, cry and rage but you can't actually make him. The fact that you're already having these thoughts does mean you've thought about what a life with children would look like.
A lot of women will tell you that life gets a whole lot less equitable following a maternity leave so if it's causing resentment now you may really have to think again.
FWIW I don't buy into that "who cares more" schizzle. Society conditions women to consider themselves responsible for the home and condemns them if they run a slatternly household. Once you have children you want them to have a clean and pleasant home so it becomes even more of a trap and the man knows it.

We've had a good talk today and he agrees he needs to do better - and says he will. He's done a load of washing and tumble drying and sorted out the cat. Neither of us slept well last night so it's been a bit of a lazy day all round. I did take the time to plan my veg garden for the year though, which was nice.

@OhamIreally yes, you're right I can't force him, but I won't be having children with him unless I'm as confident as I can be that these things will be in place. I will never give up my financial independence or career that I have worked so hard for. If I can't be sure, then I won't be having children with him. Nothing is fool proof but I won't be going into anything blithely assuming. The really funny thing is that at one stage he was very keen on being a SAHD!

@gannett I'm planning on using your suggestions... let's see how it goes.

@Hiphopboppertybop99 I too saw a gradual erosion of boundaries but I'm not letting it continue - it must be even harder with DC - do you think you'd be able to have a serious conversation with him about it?

It's good that you're planning to retain your financial independence. If you can plan a shared parental leave there are indications this leads to a more shared ongoing parenting relationship. Nursery fees should be paid 50/50 and equal leisure time for both of you.
Didn't work out for my marriage- I'm a harridan and it didn't survive my resentment but my career survived and so my child and I have a good life and a tidy home together.

@troubledoldersister - glad you have had a chat and hopefully things will improve for you. And yes I'm going to have a chat with him and do as a PP said and suggest that we take responsibility for certain chores. That way we both know what is our responsibility. I should have perhaps added that he does take care of our pets the majority of the time. And I don't begrudge him his hobby but housework / kids stuff needs to be at a level playing field as well. It's not all my responsibility.

OP,

The thing is, he is showing you who he is.
Unfortunately I don't think you are hearing.

You are cooking, cleaning and doing laundry with your job and child you are living with it basically thinks its fine because you are fussy.

He can say what he wants but you get caught with a child with a loser like him and he might do a bit of childcare but he would do absolutely NOTHING more. And there would be nothing you could do about it bar leaving and being a single parent.

Look at his actions. These are what counts.
At a time when ye have no huge ties and should be happy and content pre children, his inclination is to screw you and be a lazy shit.
This is who he is.
Not a nice guy who really cares about you.
If he REALLY cared about you, he would pull his weight.

Surprise surprise he wants to be a SAHD.....you have a right dud there.
You have a child.
You do everything.
You pay for everything.

He will do childminding and NOTHING else.

Could he be ANY clearer.

@billy1966 I think you have misunderstood, we have no DC. He works too. It's just that his job is very quiet (has been for a long time) and this leaves him with a lot more 'free' time than me. And I can hear him emptying the dishwasher downstairs as we speak... yes ideally we shouldn't have had to have that conversation, but he at least seems to have taken it on board so far and fingers crossed we won't need to have it again.

OP,

I understand that you don't have children yet...thank god.

I referenced HIM as a child in my post, I apologise for confusing you.

Having a child with a man child is what i was writing about....

I was writing about the future if you do have a child, with a lazy man.

You end up doing EVERYTHING.

Lazy men often will suggest they be a SAHD and still the women end up doing everything at home and WFT

Be very wary of lazy men, pre children.
Because after having children they rarely change and step up.

Playing devil’s advocate: if he genuinely doesn’t mind living in a slightly dirty house but you like living in a clean and tidy house - which of you is right? Why should he put his time and effort into cleaning when he isn’t fussed about the result?

Because he knows it matters to the OP and he's supposed to love her.